BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. MAL ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. MAL became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him. MAL told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
MAL said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". MAL then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.
"MAL smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
MAL smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.

"Suddenly MAL felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

MAL replied, "MY WIFE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE WHAT A MAN WITH NO BAD HABITS LOOKS LIKE!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, BUT WE PUT IT TOGETHER IN 51 DAYS!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet is wife had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when MAL came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears...

"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
You know what?"

"What my dear?" she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her heart filled with warmth.

"YOU'RE BAD LUCK GET THE F..CK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN, MT79 AND SCD are golfing with the club pro MAL. BAYMAN tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to MAL the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

MAL the pro says "Loft".

MT79 tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks MAL the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

MAL the pro says "Loft".

SCD tees off and slices into a pond. He asks MAL the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

MAL the pro says "Loft".

As they're walking to their balls, BAYMAN finally speaks up. He says to MAL the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

MAL the pro says, "LACK OF F..CKING TALENT!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

There was a man called MAL, who lived near a river. MAL was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and MAL was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells MAL to get in the boat with him. MAL says 'No, that's ok. God will take care of me.' So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so MAL climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells MAL to get in. MAL replies, 'No, that's ok. God will take care of me.' The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and MAL climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells MAL to climb up the ladder and get in. MAL tells her 'That's ok.' The woman says 'Are you sure?' MAL says, 'Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and MAL drowns. MAL gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. MAL says to God 'You told me you would take care of me! What happened?'

God replied "WELL I SENT YOU 2 BOATS AND A HELICOPTER WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Although MAL and his wife enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was MAL who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, MAL'S wife walked into the living room where MAL was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to MAL, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'M having a heart attack.
"NOW SET THE TABLE, COOK THE DINNER AND WASH THE DISHES!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to MAL. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, MAL finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually MAL rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. MAL cursed under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, MAL'S doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, MAL answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. NOT WITH A CARNATION ANYWAY!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesday's,and I go on Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in adelaide and mine is in melbourne.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman............
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?............... Because they wants to !!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

"What colour?" they asked. MAL settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" MAL asked.

"Twenty-four dollars."

"Expensive, but ok," he thought.

All that remained was the size, but MAL hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," MAL said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

MAL thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A COCKLE SPANIEL'S EARS!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man BAYMAN and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

BAYMAN is embarrassed, but feels sorry for MAL, who appears to be crippled. BAYMAN thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping MAL'S pants.

Next, MAL asks BAYMAN to hold his penis while he pees. BAYMAN is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.
Finally, MAL finishes, and BAYMAN starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," MAL says, blowing on his fingers. "I THINK MY NAILS ARE DRY NOW!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...," replied the lady.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather MAL'S face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

MAL the cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

MAL the cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "YOU TELL HIM. HE'S THE ONE SHAVING YOU!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed MAL opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
MAL seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, MAL burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had MAL arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked MAL what he had to say for himself.
MAL replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this,
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident."
I laughed out loud.

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," MAL says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check on MAL'S story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Since MAL'S wife is eight months into her pregnancy, MAL has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees MAL curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for MAL ,she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,and gives it to him:

"Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."

MAL rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, MAL returns, hands the bill back to his wife & says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty..."

MAL'S wife's face slowly turns red with anger "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant & her husband came over here...
I ONLY CHARGED HIM 50!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'M DATING SUSAN!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are going hunting. MAL says to BAYMAN,

"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

MAL says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." BAYMAN says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" BAYMAN doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.

When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
MAL says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So BAYMAN goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend MAL has. The breeder obliges and BAYMAN brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping BAYMAN'S leg. Outraged,BAYMAN takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks BAYMAN what the dog did. So BAYMAN tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "BAYMAN, all he was trying to tell you was that there are MORE F...CKING DUCKS OUT THERE THAN YOU COULD SHAKE A STICK AT!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S 4 important rules in finding a good woman.

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

An old widow and widower named Mary and MAL get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.

Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.

She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and MAL is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and MAL continues to stare in an interested manner.

As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that MAL is not making much progress in getting undressed. MAL'S stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" MAL quickly replies, "You know what I want. TAKE IT OFF AND THROW IT OVER HERE!!!!!!!"

[Strawb]

Mal walks into Bayman's bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the Mal.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, then Mal glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires Mal.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims Mal.

"Where's bayman who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

Mal says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."