WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left..
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Wed Nov 12, 2014 9:07 am
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
-
locky801 - Coach
- Posts: 57020
- Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Wed Nov 12, 2014 10:41 am
(Stolen from Rocket Rooster on Facebook)
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down
next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble.
'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'
Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ...
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to the United States ... Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down
next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble.
'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'
Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ...
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to the United States ... Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Sun Nov 16, 2014 5:00 pm
Irish Bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Tue Dec 02, 2014 10:56 am
Im Fine.................
.
.A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?
'Now wot da foock would you say?
.
.A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?
'Now wot da foock would you say?
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Fri Dec 05, 2014 8:56 am
A balding, white haired man from Surfers Paradise, walked into a
jewellery store in Brisbane last Friday evening with a beautiful,
but much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $30,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000 the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the
funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about my great weekend!
jewellery store in Brisbane last Friday evening with a beautiful,
but much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $30,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000 the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the
funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about my great weekend!
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Wed Dec 10, 2014 4:46 pm
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............
***********
This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Tooheys?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............
***********
This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that VB or Tooheys?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by valleys07 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:26 pm
locky801 wrote:I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
@FootyChick has fallen for something a little less stupid, but just as lame
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
HOGG Shield 2015 Division I Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2017 Premier League Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2015 Division I Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2017 Premier League Premiers.
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by HH3 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 9:40 pm
valleys07 wrote:locky801 wrote:I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
@FootyChick has fallen for something a little less stupid, but just as lame
cop a feel, valleys?
I TOLD YOU SO
2013/14 NFL Tipping Comp Champion
2013/14 NFL Tipping Comp Champion
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by valleys07 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 10:15 pm
Not me mate, the story was actually posted here a couple of years ago. A 'magic' trick and $5 IIRC
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
HOGG Shield 2015 Division I Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2017 Premier League Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2015 Division I Premiers.
HOGG Shield 2017 Premier League Premiers.
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by HH3 » Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:49 am
valleys07 wrote:Not me mate, the story was actually posted here a couple of years ago. A 'magic' trick and $5 IIRC
PM me?
I TOLD YOU SO
2013/14 NFL Tipping Comp Champion
2013/14 NFL Tipping Comp Champion
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Thu Dec 18, 2014 7:54 am
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.
“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.
“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:05 am
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Related by A True Aussie Male
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottle Shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt
was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window,
and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in Barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.
.
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottle Shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt
was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window,
and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in Barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.
.
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Tue Jan 06, 2015 1:49 pm
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Tue Jan 06, 2015 2:28 pm
FRED...
A Traffic Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the legal
Speed limit and he asks the biker his name and licence.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
Biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name to record on the warning.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'"
The biker replies: "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
Was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed by myself,
Studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency
And finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry became my dream!
Got all the way through Dental school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
Gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA (Aust Dental Assoc) found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD,
So they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
A Traffic Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the legal
Speed limit and he asks the biker his name and licence.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
Biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name to record on the warning.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'"
The biker replies: "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
Was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed by myself,
Studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency
And finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry became my dream!
Got all the way through Dental school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
Gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA (Aust Dental Assoc) found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD,
So they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Thu Jan 08, 2015 2:16 pm
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by nuggety goodness » Mon Jan 12, 2015 8:32 am
Jims wife lost her eyebrows the through a medical condition and resorted to drawing them on wth make up. She got good at it and they looked really authentic. One day something wasnt quite right and she had drawn them on a little too high. Jim tried to ignore it but thought he'd better let her know. Jim sauntered up to Elaine and casually told her of her error. Boy did she look surprised!
I am not talking to you for 3 minutes because you punched me in the head and it hurt and that was not okay for you to do
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nuggety goodness - League - Top 5
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Sun Jan 18, 2015 6:26 pm
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,
"I won't be in here long."
He replied,
"Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a f*cking sentence before.
"I won't be in here long."
He replied,
"Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a f*cking sentence before.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:10 am
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that
during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourke almost three years ago, right
to the stall where she slept in the state of Victoria ?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 25,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a
lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 100 years,
And we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this --you cannot post
'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of
Lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a
hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also,
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward
this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE
PROBLEM! It is time for Australia to speak up!
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that
during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourke almost three years ago, right
to the stall where she slept in the state of Victoria ?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 25,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a
lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 100 years,
And we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this --you cannot post
'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of
Lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a
hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also,
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward
this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE
PROBLEM! It is time for Australia to speak up!
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by locky801 » Sun Feb 01, 2015 9:15 am
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made..
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in its paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made..
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in its paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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