BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

At a Medical Convention, MT79 (being a doctor) and a female doctor started eyeing each other. MT79 invited the female doctor for dinner and she accepted. As they sat down at the restaurant , she excused herself to go and wash her hands. After the dinner, one thing lead to another and they ended up in her Hotel Bedroom.

Just as things got hot, the female doctor interrupted and said that she had to go and wash her hands. When she came back they went for it.

After the sex session , she got up and said that she was going to wash her hands.

As she came back the MT79 said "I bet you are a surgeon"
She confirmed and asked how he knew. "Easy, you are always washing your hands" MT79 said.

"That's very clever" she said. "I bet you are an anesthesiologist"
"Wow, how did you guess?" MT79 asked.

"I DIDN'T FEEL A THING!!!!!" she said.

Use Justin next tIme for this CLASSIC
Justin = JUST IN ....

[mal]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day. They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter mustdecide which of them will get in.

He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Okay, your majesty, you may go in."

Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the hell was that all about? I showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't."

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "BUT A ROYAL FLUSH BEATS A PAIR ANY DAY!!!."

EVEN SONEONE WITH A POKER FACE WOULD HAVE TO GIGGLE OVER THIS ONE
another goodum, a real 80s type gag

[mal]

One day at home MRS. MAL is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it and BAYMAN says "Hi, is MAL home?"

MRS, MAL replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence BAYMAN says "You know MRS.MAL, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

MRS.MAL thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to BAYMAN for a few seconds. BAYMAN promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and BAYMAN then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

MRS.MAL amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives BAYMAN a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later MAL arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend BAYMAN came over."

MAL thinks about it for a second and says, "WELL DID HE DROP OFF THE $200 HE OWES ME?!!!!"

The charachters made this one
I was amused, a ripper

[mal]

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I heard sis say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

good wording, you sicko magpie

[mal]

i just heard this and pissed myself for about 5 mins straight.. still wiping the tears from my eyes..

2 sausages lying in a frying pan...

the 1st sausage says to the 2nd sausage " Hot in here, isnt it?"

The 2nd sausage says " Bugger me, a talking sausage!"


maybe its just my warped sense of humour...

WORST JOKE on Best Jokes
Rating ZERO tolerance

[mal]

Bloke celebrates his first night out of jail by completely writing himself off at the pub ... Whilst stumbling his way home he comes across a brothel which hadn't been there 5 years ago when Sydney's finest took him away.

"Ah well it's been 5 years, might aswell" He mutters as he enters the building.

Buxom Bevvy in a glittering gown inquires "How can I help you sir".

Bloke replies "Yeah, I'll take whatever I can get for 20 bucks"

Buxom Bevvy leads the drunk to a darkened room and closes the door before he has either the time or sense to ask where he is.

Bloke can't see a thing but feels something brush against his leg ... As he grabs the moving offender he hears an almighty squeal, followed by a few oinks ... "Ah well it's been 5 years" He says as his drops his strides and discards 5 years worth of establishment imposed celibacy into the unsuspecting piece of bacon!

Satisfied, the bloke whips his strides back up, fumbles around for a while until discovering an exit and nicks off home.

1 week later the bloke leaves the same pub, in the same condition and stumbles his way along the path of 7 days prior until he reaches the Brothel again.

He enters the building again, yet this time however he barks to her Buxomness "I'll take whatever I can get for 10 bucks" ... BB rolls her eyes, takes the cash and says "Come With Me" as she leads him into a different room.

Once there the drunk takes a seat behind mirrored glass alongside several other blokes and watches on in amazement as a strapping young lad right royally rogers a blonde beauty, unawares of the onlookers surrounding the glass!!

The drunk can barely contain his delight as he leans over to the bloke next to him and says with a smile "How **** good is this for 10 bucks!!!

The bloke sitting next to him cups his hands and whispers back "You should have been here last week, we watched some bloke **** a pig!!!"

had too laugh at this one

[mal]

This is actually true from my Bay disco days [disco at the Glenelg footy club sunday nights in the 80s]

I used to go up to suntanned girls and ask :

" Are you from Lebanon?"
" No Im not why do you ask ?"
" Oh its just that you look like a Beirut girl!" [Bayroot girl ]

MAGPIE rated this 8.2 in another forum
This was a dinkum line I used with startling success

they used to call you WOMBAT, as wombats eat roots & leaves

NostalGIA

[mal]

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they told their butler MT79 that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.

After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler MT79 spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

"THE NEXT TIME I CATCH YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES YOUR FIRED!!!!!!"

By Geeves
didnt know where the gag was going
ended well though, great punchline

[mal]

MAL'S wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband MAL missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband MAL curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"

"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"WELL I WOULD HAVE BEEN RELEASED TONIGHT!!!!!!"

How true
How true
How true
Thats life

[mal]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told MAL the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied.


She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told MAL the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.


She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached MAL the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied.


Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "BECAUSE THAT'S A MICROWAVE NOT A T.V. said MAL!!!!!!!"

Bubbleheadedbooby blonde birdbrain

good un spoggyboy

[mal]

An elderly couple is vacationing in DALLAS TEXAS. MAL always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

Upon arriving home, MAL walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, MRS MAL?" MAL'S wife looks him over, "Nope." MAL says excitedly, "Come on, honey, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" MAL'S wife looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, MAL storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, LMAL asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" MAL'S wife looks up and says, "MAL, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, MAL yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, HONEY? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which MRS MAL replies, "SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT MAL SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!!!!!!"

I got 2 hat tricks in my career
one on a cricket field
one on this gag
really funny and clever gag

[mal]

A MR.66 JOKE

a blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. As they are sitting down, the brunette notices MAL checkin out the blonde. So the brunette decides to go and talk to MAL. She walks up to him and says,

"hey, i see you’ve been checkin out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She’s pretty isn’t she?"

MAL responds, "oh man, she’s just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful."

brunette: "well, for $50 i can arrange for you to smell her pussy."

MAL: "well yeah, of course!" MAL pulls out the money and hands it to her.

the brunette takes it and then breathes on MAL'S face!!!!

ripper, just brilliant, feMALes dont be too offended

[mal]

ANOTHER MR. 66 JOKE

So this couple is in a car makin’ out. They decide to take it to the back of the car. MAL starts goin’ down on her. A couple of seconds into it, he feels something in his mouth.

He pauses and pulls it out. Its a f...ckin’ pea! Hes like ’whatever, I’m gonna get laid’, and goes back down. A few more seconds go by and he feels something in his mouth again. Slightly irritated, he pulles it out and sees it is a carrot. Whatever man, gonna get laid, gonna get laid, he thinks. Goes back down. Comes up with a god damned potato chunk.

"What the f.....ck?! Are you sick or something?", MAL yells at her. "NO BUT THE LAST GUY WAS!!!!!!", she replies.

Funny a second time, with different wording
So sick It deserved a second COMING !!!
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PAGES 31-40 COMPLETE
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[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 46-50
--------------------

SMITHY
--------

Parrotts 7-5

STRAWB O7
-----------

nude 7-8
aliens 7-7
tickets 7-6
coffee 7-3
3 couples 7-9
bedroom 7-4
adam eve 7-3
steve wonder 7-9

BOONEY
----------

FBI 7-8

BAYMAN
---------

LIck balls 7-4

FALCON CHICK
--------------

Hypnotist.........brilliant 8-2

PAFC 1870
----------

Lightbulbs 7-3 [only cos i hate lightbulb jokes]

SILICONE SKYLINE
---------------

HEFFNER 7-8


MAG 0F THE 80S
----------------

schollgirls 7-3
bayman married 7-5
90 year old wife........ ripper 8-5
mt hooker 7-8
candle 7-8
6 inches 8-0........funny
sex at 7-00....7-4
18 into 54.....clever 8-0
mother 7-3
dick fall off....yukkkkkky 8-0
potential 7-5 [but my cousin liked it]
sarah pippilini....8-1 funny
mayonaise 7-4
you father 7-9
pancakes 7-8
brekky for five ......8.2 great finish great joke
barber 7-6
erect penis 7-7
2 priests 7-3
bull wins 7-8
free mesat 7-7
tomatoes 7-3
turkey sausages 7-8


Lots of good jokes as usual
keep up the great work , having a ball reading them.

VIEWS 40428

[The Riddler]

Haven't read through the previous posts so not sure if this has already been said but i love this joke, was voted best in Ireland 2006.


A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[Strawb]

Mal was talking to his teenage son about school Sports.
"So you taking up cricket this year son?" Mal Asked
His Son Replied " F**K that dad you can shove it up ya arse silly mid wickets, fine legs and deep gully. Spending half ya day in the sun then the other half a day sitting on ya arse!"
Mal a little annoyed on what his son said "alright Aussie Rules it is for ya then?"
Young Mal said back "Ariel Ping Pong you think i am going to play that with ya Tight shorts and bum slapping F**K that!"
Mal's face went red and he asked he son "Alright what sport will ya do then?
Young Mal "Weightlifting dad weightlifting"
Mal was perplexed and asked "Why weightlifting?"
His son said proudly " I Love a good clean and jerk and i am itching to tackle a snatch!"
Mal Fainted

[Strawb]

Q: Whats 30 cm's long and hangs from an Arsehole?



A: A Policeman's tie.

Q: What animal has an Arsehole halfway up it's back



A: A Police Horse.


Q: What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pussy?


A: C**tstubble

[Strawb]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[Strawb]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mummy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

[Strawb]

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?