BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

It was MAL the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When MAL had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", MAL said; "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "THE BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA!!"

Just a real gem from the mighty magpie
This would almost be a good blonde joke as well

[mal]

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple SCD and his wife go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband SCD says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and SCD is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

SCD answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and SCD takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

SCD comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that SCD opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

SCD beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED !!!!!"

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
you picked the right guy fro this
SCD is a newly aquired married man
good gag pelicanboy

[mal]

MAL'S eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.

He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there."

She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."

The waiter delivers the message, and MAL says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...SO WHY THE F....K WOULD I CUT OFF 4 INCHES!!!!"

Magpie Masterpiece
How could we not giggle over this one
One of spoggys very best

[mal]

MT79 goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time.

She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and MT79 starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up.

"Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "NO... BUT THE LAST GUY WAS!!!!"

yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Mr 66 would like this one

[mal]

Fart Footy

A poof walks into a bar and spies the local drunk with that he walks up to the drunk and says "do you wanna play a game?"
The Drunk replies "F**K OFF!"
The poof goes "AWWW come on i will buy you a few more drinks."
With these words the drunks eyes sparkle and he says "Alright we will play when a say so"

So after Six rounds of the poof buying the drinks the drunks say "Whats the game?"
To which the poof replies "Fart Footy. I will explain the rules, it is a simple game in which you fart. The longer and louder the fart the further the kick. I will go first."
The poof drops his pants and lets a fart go about 5 seconds worth and says "Forty meters."
The drunk stands up falls down stands up again and drops his pants and lets an absolute ripper go. The fart went for 20 seconds left a black scorch mark on the carpet cleared the bar of everyone. Wallets, beers, and change all were left on the bar whilst everyone bolted. The drunk staggers out and says "that was the length of the M.C.G and over The Great Southern Stand.

Half an hour later everyone is back in the pub and the poof drops his pants and lets a little fart go this time and says "ooh that was a chip kick."
Then the Drunk proudly stands up drops the pants and bends over and as he is about to fart, the poof starts giving it to him up his backside.
With this the drunk screams "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING."
To which the Poof replies" I'm just smothering the kick."

Real guys joke this one
great punchline

[mal]

Text i got yesterday

Who is the only 115KG person to ride a melbourne cup winner.............chris munces cellmate!

Classic from 'behind' ride

[mal]

Daniel Kerr, Ben Cousins and Michael Gardiner are travelling in a car.

Who's driving?




THE COPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Short sweet and f.....g funny
One of Lucifers best

[mal]

these two girls one blonde the other a redhead, were walking down the street, when they got to the florist the redhead notice her boyfriend was in there buying flowers, the blonde said 'how sweet' 'my boyfriend never buys me anything like that' & the redhead replies 'yes it is sweet but it is what he wants to do after that gets me', the blonde says 'what does he want then' red replies 'he'll want me on my back & my legs spread as far as they can go for 3 days' the blonde says to the redhead 'why haven't you got a vase'

About time BAYMAN produced a good one

[mal]

Bayman & Mal are at the TAB...
"Bayman if you knew a rogue country was going to bomb and destroy the whole world and you only had three hours left, what would you do ?"
"Well Mal, I would root anything that moves,what would you do?"
"I would stand perfectly still..."

Had to read this twice
BRILLIANTLY WORDED
Cryptic classic

[mal]

President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Sir, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

President: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

President: "Afghanistan...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

President: "What about India?"

Minister: "Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh- tell him we need one million condoms; coloured white and green, same as our flag; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakistani's really are!!"

The President called the Indian Prine Minister, who agreed to help the Pakistani's out in their hour of need.

Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad- full of boxes. A delighted President rushed out to open the boxes.

He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured in the flags colours. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one

.
.
.
.
MADE IN INDIA
SIZE: SMALL

prick of a joke
great finale pidge

[mal]

A visual joke hope it works.

Very funny cartoon
well spotted Moondoggy

[mal]

MAL and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and MAL put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

MAL'S wife got up and started stripping in front of him. MAL was confused and asked, "What the hell are you doing, taking all your jammies off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

MAL said, "HELL NO!!!! I WAS JUST WETTING MY FINGERS SO I CAN TURN THE PAGE!!!!!.

John English no doubt produced a record called Turn The page after this joke
this was hillarious and a real MALe chauvo gag
One of Magpies best ever

[mal]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning MAL and his wife are spending the day at the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at MAL'S WIFE in the wavy dress.

MAL, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. MAL suggests
she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then MAL suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", MAL says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then MAL grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "NOW TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!!!!!!"

Theres a real message that every guy can take from this gag
Clever , witty, applicable and humourous, great gag

[mal]

MAL and BAYMAN were camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, MAL says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." BAYMAN agrees and hikes south. MAL hikes north.

That night over dinner, MAL tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

BAYMAN says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," MAL says, "did she give you a blow job?"

"Well no," says BAYMAN, "I COULDN'T FIND HER HEAD!!!!!!"

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Read the joke everyone, put in your jokes sub concious archives
and use this at any party, and be the life of the party
Gem Supreme this one

[mal]

Every picture tells a story......

[mal]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

Les be friends....
HOMOsapien classic

[mal]

I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

Simply love this one
clean and clever
good one CP [got the name right as WELL!!!]

[mal]

What's pink and seven dents in it?

part 1

[mal]

Snow Whites' hymen

part 2
clevr clever clever
Mr 66 rarely disappoints

[mal]

Old bloke goes to the doctor complaining of the odd chest pain, Doc runs some tests then tells his patient "Ok, there's some mild murmurings there but nothing to get too concerned about" ... Hands the old fella a bottle of pills and says "Now, it's really important you follow my instructions, take two today (Monday), two on Tuesday, skip Wednesday, Two again on Thursday, skip Friday and skip Saturday - Be aware that if you take too many they could kill you ... I'll pop around when you've finished just to check on how you're feeling"

Week Passes ..........................................................................................................................................................

Doc heads around to the old blokes home the following week and is greeted at the door by a tearful old lady, "Oh hello, I was wondering if Mr Johnson was home?", old dear replies "*sniff* no, unfortunately my husband passed away on Sunday *sob*"

Doc looks forlorn and surprised "Don't tell me, he exceeded the dose and his heart gave out didn't it?"

Old Dear responds "*Sniff* No, I think it was all that skipping that did it"

ha ha
funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny
love it
so absurd its giggling