BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an australian(MAL) in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When MAL remained silent, the Frenchman smuggly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," MAL replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"DONT STOP !!!"

malE chauvanistic classic

[mal]

MAL goes to his doctor for a checkup. "I don't know how to tell you this," says the doctor, "But you're going to die. You have six months to live before you die."

When poor MAL gets home, he tells his wife he has AIDS and has six months to live. MAL goes out for a beer, gets pissed drunk, and tells all his mates MT79, BAYMAN, SCD, AH, PUNK and WEDGIE he has AIDS and only six months left.

Two days later, MAL meets his doctor on the street. "I see you've come to terms with your terminal condition," says the doctor, "Everyone in town is talking about it. But tell me, why are you telling everyone you have AIDS, when it's a brain tumor that's killing you?"

"Oh," says MAL, "I've come to terms with dying, but I don't want anyone of my mates ...F....CKING MY WIFE AFTER I'M GONE!!!!"

***
gold
if only you knew.....

[mal]

75-year old MAL went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave MAL a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, 75-year old MAL reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and MAL explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" Old MAL replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, WE COULD'NT GET THE DAMN JAR OPEN!!!!"

funny

[mal]

MAL is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in - relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would never......"as MAL looks across at the driver and there is no-one in the seat.

Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where MAL lives - MAL is by now in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened. Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry!

Now it stopped at the kerb again just up from where he lives and so MAL gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car. "Hey buddy I wouldn't get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it"

"Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I REALLY NEED THE REST!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
As the lateTeddy once sang
" Jump in my car."

[mal]

Interesting Facts:

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

well hells bells aint that a coincidence
1981 + 2005 is another coincidence i had a bet on the TAB
Seriously thats amazing

[mal]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "take another drink"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh!
Plip!Plop!! Two arms pop out

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!"

The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing
glasses,shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he
reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
pop
out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the
right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over
him
and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Wait for it)







(It's coming)















(You ready?)









(Don't hate me)








(Your gonna hate me)









(Take a deep breath)








He should've quit while he was a head!"

So ******* stoopid its funny

[mal]

Hope this hasn't been posted already but my mate just sent it to me and I thought it was quite good.




Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "@rse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song " We've got the Power to win, the Power to
rule.........."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*

funny moondoggy

[mal]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella MISSISSIPPI!!!!."

Im speechless
Whatsa matta witha you
this is actually a very cryptically funny one

[mal]

There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes and sinks. Six people, one woman (lara bingle) and five men (MT79, MAL, BAYMAN, SCD, and DUTCHY survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island.

After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely-sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement; each man will marry lara bingle for a week. So MT79 has her for one week then MAL has her for the second week, and so on.

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and LARA gets sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, LARA dies!!!

The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week is just awful, it's getting so bad.

Soooooo.... on the sixth week...............THE BOYS DECIDED TO BURY HER!!!!!!

in a bingle....
yukky yukky yukky but as Dick Emery used to say " but I like it"

[mal]

The new hooker from hanson road just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome and his name was M80's. "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

M80's said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job" M80's agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " M80's pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! "Then what did you do?"

"I LOANED HIM $75!" she said.

half right MT79 is a big dickHEAD
the joke was quite funny but use MAL in it next time...

[mal]

Three old men MAL, MT79 and BAYMAN are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

MAL says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All Day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

MT79 says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally BAYMAN speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I WAKE UP!!!!"

:roll thats so awful its funny

[mal]

A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the footy on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the footy with my SON IN LAW!!!!!"

not bad magpie not too bad
where do you find these jokes
funny

[mal]

Bayman & Mal are at the TAB...
"Bayman if you knew a rogue country was going to bomb and destroy the whole world and you only had three hours left, what would you do ?"
"Well Mal, I would root anything that moves,what would you do?"
"I would stand perfectly still..."

Punk, not many jokes but always a laugh
this is clever and amusing

[mal]

Kayef was watching from his taxi, when all of a sudden, a Glenelg barracker was besieged by
4 young skinheads, and started to cop a hiding.
An onlooker rushed up and asked Kayef to help the Glenelg barracker.
Kayef ignored him, stayed seated in his Taxi, and watched the beating.
Shortly after, 4 North Adelaide Grog Squad members joined in the bashing of the Glenelg supporter.
This time an elderly gent approched Kayef and asked-
"Driver, arent you going to f***ing help ?"
Kayeff replied- "Nah mate, those 8 blokes are doing the job well enough by themselves..."

good for a footy joke

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THATS PAGES 21-30 ON BEST JOKES completed

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[mal]

Bayman went to the Glenelg Library and stomped to the front desk and said
" I have a bloody complaint."
" YES SIR WHAT IS IT?"
" I borrowed a book last week and it was bloody horrible."
" WHAT WAS WRING WITH THE BOOK SIR.?"
" It had way too many characters and there was no bloody plot whatsoever."
The librarian winced, shook her head and said:
" AH SO YOUR THE IDIOT THAT TOOK OUR PHONE BOOK."

[smithy]

Sorry if this has already been done..

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Strawb]

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.
"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing."
"But what if I double your fee?" he pleaded.
"Nope, sorry. Won't do it."
"How about I give you five times what you normally get?"
"Oh, okay then," said the artist, "but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes."

[Strawb]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

[Strawb]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Strawb]

You know you are addicted to coffee if
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You channel surf faster without a remote.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
-You ski uphill.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.