BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

a woman was very distraught over the fact she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. she was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise of the well known chinese sex therapist, dr. chang.

upon entering the examination room, dr. chang said "O.K. take off all your crose." the woman did as she was told.
"now get down and craw reery reery fast to udder side of room." again the woman did as she was instructed.
dr.chang then said "O.K. now craw reery reery fast back to me."

as she did dr. chang shook his head slowly. "your problem vewy, vewy bad. you haf ed zachary disease, worst case i ever saw. dat is why you not haf sex or dates!!"

the woman asked anxiously, " oh my god, dr. chang, what is ed zachary disease?"

dr. chang sighed deeply and replied, "ed zachary disease is when your face look ED ZACHARY LIKE YOUR ASS!!!! :lol

one of the greates t ever by our spoggy

[mal]

Mal goes to the doctor for a check up and his wife goes along for support.
At the conclusion of the check up Mal walks out before his wife and the doctor calls out
"Oh Mrs. Mal, I also will need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample from Mal for testing."
When she catches up to Mal he asks "what did the doc say?"
Mals wife replies "Oh, he just needs a pair of your jocks!"

sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

[mal]

Bayman went over to MAL's place for a little bit of action between the sheets.
MAL presented Bayman with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," Bayman said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

SCD produces a cute one

[mal]

Little Johnny was sitting in class when the Miss Smith, the teacher wrote the word for the day "contagious" on the board and asked the children to make a sentence out of it.

Jenny puts her hand up and say "My brother has chicken pox and it is very contagious"
"Well done" says Miss Smith, "anyone else"

Bobby puts his hand up and says "My mummy says if you catch the flu it can be contagious"
"Excellent" says Miss Smith, "who is next"

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "The other day I was with my dad and saw this truck full of oranges roll over and the oranges spilled out everywhere. The truck driver was chasing oranges around all over the road and my dad laughed and said it was going to take that "c*nt ages" to pick them all up"

clever clever clever

[mal]

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''Bayman loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''MAL was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''Magpie in the 80's was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''



What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass!

disgustingly funny
'below the belt'

[mal]

MAL goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge bloke standing next to him. The big bloke looks down upon MAL and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

MAL faints. The big bloke picks up MAL and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks MAL

"What's wrong with you?"

MAL says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big bloke looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

MAL says, "THANK GOD!!!!I THOUGHT YOU SAID TURNER AROUND!!!

elevate this one a ripsnorter

[mal]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of
sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

brilliant bulldogboy

[mal]

BAYMAN walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist(MAL) thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, BAYMAN comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist(MAL). What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So MAL tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. BAYMAN buys a condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist(MAL) tells his clerk to go follow BAYMAN.

About 2 hours later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist(MAL) The clerk replies "HE WENT TO YOUR HOUSE!! "

ripper birdy

[mal]

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, MAL was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks MAL had on his
shoulders.

"What's in the bags?" "Sand," said MAL "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. MAL did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across
the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week, week in week out for 2 years until one day MAL with the sand bags failed to appear.

2 years later, the guard happened to meet MAL downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy," said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

MAL tells the guard " I WAS SMUGGLING BICYCLES!!!!!"

clever punchline blackbird

[mal]

Everybody be careful out there. A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Woolworths customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Woolworths. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also January 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful out there.

scam of the year
very funny

[mal]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid.

Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd andsteps up to the stage.

Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000
Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting
50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end
global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.

Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000
Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and
scream...



"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

very appropriate

[mal]

MAL the farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. MAL doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

MAL hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.

Next morning, MAL wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, MAL wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, MAL cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and ONE OF THEM IS HONKING THE HORN!!!!!."

As John Elliot would say "PIGS ARSE''
funny ending ha ha

[mal]

MAL goes into a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have, fella?"

MAL stutters: "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeeper makes the drink, hands it to MAL who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeeper leans over the counter, and calls MAL, he then looks left & right, and whispers "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot. But my wife found the cure. You interested?"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure|" says MAL. Barkeeper looks again, left & right.

"My wife heard about this cure: she performed all kinds of magical, passionate, kinky sex on me and I was cured right then and there"

MAL thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves. A week later MAL comes back into the bar.

"What'll it be tonight, Friend?" asks the barkeeper

MAL: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous Scotch and Sodas, please?"

BARKEEPER: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible. Glad to see you got rid of your stuttering"

MAL: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOUSE!!!!."

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mal]

MAL goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt with legs that won't quit walks up to his table and asked if he was ready to order.

"What would you like, sir? " MAL looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?" Again MAL thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

M80'S sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, " hey MAL, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'!!! "

clever wording spoggyboy

[mal]

MAL and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, MAL felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. MAL was still feeling fine. The doctor checked MAL'S blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. MAL continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, MAL encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with no pain.

MAL and his wife was ecstatic. however when they got home, they found BAYMAN was dead on their porch.

As Boz Scaggs once sang ' what can I say ' another magpie classic
dunno about the characters...

[mal]

80 yr. old MAL is in a nursing home and it's time for his bath.

His attractive nurse's aid unrobes him and begins to wash him. In a moment MAL asks that 70 yr old Mabel come in and hold his penis out of the way so that the nurse can wash underneath.

'why?', asks the nurse 'i am perfectly capable of doing that and washing you with my other hand.' 'no,I'd much rather have Mabel do that for you', he insists. with a hint of jealousy in her voice the nurse asks 'well what has Mabel got that i haven't got?'

"PARKINSON'S DISEASE" says MAL

this ends up in the very very best of them all
hope I dont forget this one ....

[mal]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks MAL and his wife, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" MAL replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks BAYMAN and his girlfriend, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" BAYMAN replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks SCD and his new wife, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the SCD replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.


"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said SCD, "WE'RE NOT WELCOME AT THE SUPERMARKET ANYMORE EITHER!!!!."

hillarious

[mal]

MT79 with his two-inch prick walked into a whorehouse on hanson road and dropped his pants in front of one of the girls.

"Just who do you think you're going to please with that little thing?" she sneered.

"ME" replied MT79

This was funny because MT79 was in it

[mal]

A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks REB the barman "Does this look like Mike Tyson?" REB says "No."

She then asks "Does this look like Evander Holifield?" REB says "Nope sorry."

She's says "Well I want another opinion." She sees drunken MAL at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks MAL "Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?"

Drunken MAL says "No." She points to her inner left thigh and asks "Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?"

Drunken MAL says "No but the one in the middle looks like DON KING!!!!!"

jack in the BOX
FUNNY

[mal]

REB walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. BOONEY the barman comes over and asks what he'll have to drink. REB states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. BOONEY gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. BOONEY brings the beer over and places it in front of REB.

BOONEY'S curiosity gets the best of him and he asks REB what he's got in the bag. REB reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... BOONEY looks intently at the piano as REB again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

BOONEY says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"

REB looks at BOONEY and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to BOONEY and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So BOONEY says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

REB says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So BOONEY says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So BOONEY ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another..and it continues.

BOONEY looks at REB and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And REB says, "Yes, I know, DO YOU THINK I WANTED A TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!!!!!!!!!"

great party joke
absolute gem