BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

One day MAL has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to DR BAYMAN to see what can be done about it. DR BAYMAN tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours. ‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’ MAL bends down and dr bayman sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives mal his course and sends him home. At home six hours later mal realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do mal bends over. His wife puts one hand on mals shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, mal lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’ ‘No,’ replies mal. ‘But I’ve just realized that when DR BAYMAN did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’

but funny

[mal]

MAL was sitting on the bus when a punk rocker gets on. the punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange and he's got feather earrings.

he see's MAL staring at him. punk rocker says to MAL "what the hell are you looking at old man?" "didn't you do anything wild?"

MAL says "yeah. one time i had sex with a parrot. i thought maybe YOU WERE MY KID?"

brilliant unless your a punk rocker

[mal]

at a drinks interval every player rushed to the bar where the local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale to the players. unfortunately the ale was off and halfway through the 2nd innings, everyone was so ill they had to abandon the match. it was a case of bad light stopping play

witty

[mal]

MAL being an expectant father rang the hospital to see how his pregnant wife was doing.

by mistake MAL dialled the wrong number and rang the MCG.

"how's it going." asked MAL.

"fine." came the answer "we've got 2 out already and hope to have the rest out by lunch. the last one was a DUCK!!"

cute

[mal]

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

PAFC produces a gag thats so stupid that you have to laugh

[mal]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

Our newest Moderator produces one of the best cricket jokes we might ever read

THATS GAGS FROM PAGES 11-20

[mal]

MAL lived in an apartment building where each morning had to go down stairs to get his mail.
one morning while getting his mail his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbour snuck out of her apartment to get her mail in a loose robe. when she bent over to get her mail her robe opened to expose nothing underneath. MAL couldn't believe what he is seeing. she says to MAL "good morning i havn't had a man in months" MAL couldn't keep eye contact when the girl said " i hear someone coming quick come to my apartment" once inside she lets the robe fall to the ground and asks MAL what do you think my best feature is. MAL stuttered and drooled and said "your ears." "what do you mean my ears?" look at me, i have perfect round breasts, a nice tight little ass and long legs to die for" "what on earth made you say ears?"

"WELL" said MAL, " in the hall you said you heard someone coming, "THAT WAS ME"

This was an absolute gem
Very cryptic, and for those who get it, vert clever and funny

[mal]

MAL was in a bar complaining about having a headache. "i have a great cure for a headache" says his mate BAYMAN.

"when ever i have a headache, i head home and get my wife to give me a long, slow and wet head job." "it works all the time MAL" says BAYMAN "you should try it"

a week went by and MAL and BAYMAN are sitting in the pub when BAYMAN asks "did you try my headache cure MAL?"

"YES,YES I DID" replies MAL and "OH BY THE WAY YOUR HOUSE IS NICE TOO!!!!

Rude, disgusting, provacative, insinous, distasteful and hillarious

PAGES 21-30 next week

[magpie in the 80's]

mAL 40,000 VIEWS

[mal]

mAL 40,000 VIEWS

Rating 0.1 not even funny

[bayman]

for all dog lovers !!,

my 67 yo neighbour, an avid cyclist, discovered that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to her vet.
finding that the problemwas hair growing in its ears, he cleaned them & the dogs hearing improved out of sight.
the vet. then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist, get some "nair" hair remover & rub it on the dogs ears once a month.
the lady went to her local chemist & purchased some "nair".
at the register the chemist confided in her, "if you're going to use this under your arms, you'd be wise not to use deoderant for a few days".
the lady said "i'm not using it under my arms, i'm using it on my schnauzer".
the chemist replied, "then i'd advise you to stay off your bicycle for a week"

[Strawb]

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the

Richter scale hit Port Adelaide in the early hours of Friday with its

epicentre in Commercial St , Port Adelaide. Victims were seen wandering

around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of

damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Pennington

Riots were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out

cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their centrelink

cheques arrived. The Port Adelaide Local Paper reported that hundreds of

residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to

terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in

Port Adelaide .

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It

was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my

bedroom crying. My youngest two, Kevin and Jason slept through it all."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried

on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of

Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers

are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities

of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from

Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those

unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most

sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits,

singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Reebok boots or any other

items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, baked

beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a

lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Port Adelaide Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity

Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

[smithy]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

"Where's the goddam, mother****ing Manager you cock sucking arse wipe?", the bloke asks.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this ******** joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"**** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the ****ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"****ing deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays
the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to
adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

[mal]

Paris Hilton met another woman in jail who was jailed on the same day as her.

OTHER WOMAN : whatcha in for ?
PARIS: driving without a driving licence
OTHER WOMAN: when do you get out ?
PARIS: in 45 days, why what are you in for ?
OTHER WOMAN: murder
PARIS : when do you get out?
OTHER WOMAN: in 3 days time on Saturday

PARIS : how the **** do you get out in 3 days for ******* murder and I get
******* 45 days for driving a ******* car unliscenced ?

At this stage Paris is hysterical and gets permission to leave the jail
Paris has a few days on home detention but gets rejailed.
She gets her cell and asks a screw
PARIS : did that woman really only get 3 days in jail for murder ?
SCREW: Yep she was hanged last Saturday.......

[JK]

It's Christmas Eve and as per usual, MAL has left his Christmas shopping to the last day ... He manages to buy up for the family but is still frantically looking for a gift for the missus as closing hour approaches.

Finally, MAL makes it into the pet store, and the owner greets him upon his entry.

"Merry Christmas Sir, can I help you?"

Mal replies "I need to get a present for my wife, she badly wants one of those talking Parrots."

The owner informs MAL that unfortunately they are all out of talking Parrots .... "However I do have these talking Parakeets at a fraction of the cost".

MAL is unimpressed, "If I wanted a Parakeet mate I would have asked for one, where else can I get a Parrot from?"

Owner smiles and sarcastically replies "Well all the shops will be shut now, so I guess you will have to wait until AFTER Christmas".

Eventually MAL decides that he can't go home empty handed, and agree's to purchase one of the talking Parakeets.

Owner: "An excellent choice sir, now I must warn you that these birds are very susceptible to drowning when they drink from their water, so to protect against this you need to file their beaks every few weeks ... Don't forget now or else your pet will die."

MAL acknowledges the importance of filing the birds beak, thanks the owner for his help and head back home.

2 months later MAL is looking through the store again when the owner approaches him ... "Hello sir, I remember you from Christmas Eve, how is your wife's Parakeet doing?"

MAL looks glumly at the owner and just shakes head.

Horrified, the owner says "Oh no, don't tell me you forget to file the birds beak and it drowned when it drank from it's water???"

MAL replies: "No mate, it was already dead by the time I took it out of the vice"

[magpie in the 80's]

come on MAL.

your falling behind MAL, you havn't rated any jokes since may 25th

[mal]

PAGES 41-44
MAY25 TO JUNE 14
RATINGS

STRAWBO7
-----------

tiger attack 7-5
piss in drink 7-5
omalley twins 7-8
vibrator 7-5
3 kids 7-4
3 morals 7-4
men/woman 7-5
sky remote 7-7
chilli 7-3
gravy ladie 7-9
someone coming 8-3
lawyer 7-3
golf night 7-8
condoms 7-2
dwarf 8-4 =P so stoopid it was funny
3 wisemen 7-7
xmas eve 7-5

MT79
-------------

come on my face 6-8

COORONG
---------

morphet vale 7-4

BAYMAN
---------
67 YO neighbour7-5

smithy
-------

the pianist 7-6


magpies in the 80s
-------------------

xmas tree 7-5
bloody nose 7-3
confessions 7-4
test results 7-3
houdini 8-2
25yo blonde 8-2 funny
raisin 7-3

$20 back 7-8
shit door 7-4
sheep liar 7-7
doorbell 8-4
fishing 7-3
film wank 7-4
jesus 7-3
25th anniversary 8-0
electric fence 7-4
eyesight 7-9
pull trigger 7-7
legs wife 7-3
onehand mum 7-5
365 days 7-3

Well done all
STRAWB that dwarf joke is killing me

[mal]

BAYMAN, SCD and MAL were at GDP before xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks and a bet, when they decided to get in on the xmas raffle. they each bought 5 $1 tickets, seeing it was for charity. the following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

BAYMAN won 1st prize, a huge xmas hamper with all the trimmings. SCD won 2nd prize, a carton of beer and 2 bottle of grog.
MAL won the last prize, a toilet brush.

when they met at GDP the following week after xmas MAL asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

BAYMAN said " the hamper was great and i still have food left over.
SCD said " i got so drunk with the prize i won." BAYMAN asks MAL "how's the toilet brush going?"

"not so good." replies MAL " I RECKON I'LL GO BACK TO PAPER!!!"

###################
RATINGS FOR PAGES 21-30

###################

This was a classic

[mal]

one morning while making breakfast, MAL walked up to his wife and pinched her arse and said "you know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."

next morning MAL woke his wife with a pinch on her tit and said "you know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra"

she rolled over and grabbed MAL'S dick and said "you know if you could firm this up i could get rid of THE POSTMAN, THE MILKMAN, THE GARDENER, THE WINDOW CLEANER AND YOUR BROTHER!!!!!"

Magpie classic
We can all 'relate' to this joke

[mal]

ageing MILDRED was a 93 year old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her husband, EARL. she decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

thinking it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out old EARL'S army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

the doctor replied "your heart would be just below your left breast"

later that night MILDRED was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound.........TO HER LEFT KNEE!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha you sarcastic young prick
respect your elders