BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

ANOTHER GRUB and his wife have returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. ANOTHER GRUB'S best man (SCOOB) takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied AG "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said SCOOB. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

AG nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: "SHE GAVE ME $20 BACK!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. MAL was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they tried maple. MAL smelled it and said "that's maple".

They then tried ebony; MAL again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick MAL. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. MAL sniffed for a while. Boy he said this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side. So they took the waitress and put her ass near his nose.

MAL took a big whiff, started to smile and said you guys can't fool me "THAT'S THE SHITHOUSE DOOR FROM A TUNA BOAT!!!"!

[magpie in the 80's]

An australian ventriloquist was on a holiday in New Zealand. While strolling through a small town in the South Island he saw a bloke sitting at the side if the road patting his dog. Behind him was his horse n sheep.

’G’day mate he said to the man thats a great looking dog. Mind if i have a chat with him?’
The new zealander says: ’The dog doesn’t talk u stupid aussie!’ .
The man ignored him, ’Hey dog hows it goin?’
The dog replied: ’Doin alright.’
The new zealander was suprised!
The man continued, ’Is this your kiwi owner?’
’Yup!’ said the dog!
’How does he treat u?’
’Real good!’ the dog seemed to say,
’He gives me good tucker n two meals a day.’
The man then asked the kiwi if he could then talk to his horse.
The Kiwi said, rather definately, "He DOESNT talk."
"G’day horse how’s it goin?"
"Fine, Fine." said the horse.
"How does your owner treat you?"
"Pretty good, thanx for asking, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the cold weather."

By now the Kiwi was absolutely astonished. "Mind if I talk to ur sheep?" said the ventriloquist.

The Kiwi replied " THE SHEEPS A BLOODY LIAR I SWEAR!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman finds a magic lamp. She rubs the lamp and the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of the lamp I will grant you 3 wishes"

The woman replies " I only have 1 wish genie, I want the perfect man. A man who won’t hit me, a man who won’t leave me and of course give me the best sex I’ve ever had". The genie says "your wish is granted at noon tomorrow your perfect man will arrive".

The woman is very excited and could hardly wait but just as the genie said noon the next day her doorbell rang. She jumped up, raced to the door opened the door and to her surprise there was a man lying on the ground with no arms or legs. The woman said "what the hell is this, I asked for the perfect man not cripple who are you".

The man replied "I am your perfect man I have no arms so I can’t hit I have no legs so I can’t leave you" she said "what about the best sex I’ve ever had" he said "WHAT DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL WITH!!!!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

One weekend MAL asks his wife if she would like to fishing
"No" She replies "Im watching TV"
"Ok" he says "I will take the dog"

The following weekend he asks her the same
"No" She replies "Im watching TV"
"Ok" he says "I will take the dog"

This goes on for a few weeks until one day MAL gets pissed off.
"Look you can either come fishing, give me a blow job or take it up the arse" he shouts

She thinks for a moment and decides to give him a BJ. MAL then takes the dog fishing.
This goes on for many weeks. " Fishing, blowjob or up the arse?"
to which she always chooses blowjob and he always ends up taking his poor dog fishing.

One weekend she goes down to blow him. " BLOODY HELL WHATS THAT SHITTY SMELL???" she screams
" Oh the dog didnt want to come fishing this weekend " MAL replies

[magpie in the 80's]

two women go too a pact cinema, half way through the film one women said too the other "the guy next too me is having a wank "

the other one said "take no notice" the other one replys "

"YEAH BUT HE'S USING MY HAND!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

drunken MAL stumbles down to a baptism at a river one day. The Preacher looks up and say’s well are you here to find jesus with me today brother.

drunken MAL say’s sure. so the minister takes MAL and sticks his head under water. When he pulls it out he says have you found jesus yet brother. Drunken MAL says no. so the minister puts MAL'S head back down underneath the water pulls it back out and says have you found jesus yet my brother and drunken MAL says no. So the minister shoves MAL'S head into the water and holds his head down for 1 minute. he pulls it out and shouts have you found jesus yet my brother.

And drunken MAL says "NO BUT ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN !!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked MAL "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

MAL replied, "All I wanted to do was to f...k your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

MAL replied, "IT LOOKS AS IF I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB!!!!!" ."

[magpie in the 80's]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, THAT F.....CKING FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife stands nude looking in the mirror.

"i look horribally fat and ugly, pay me a compliment" she asks MAL

MAL says "YOUR EYESIGHT'S F....CKING SPOT ON!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The Godfather hired an accountant(BAYMAN) who was deaf and dumb, figuring he wouldn’t be able to tell the cops anything.

It wasn’t long after that the Godfather discovered that 10 million dollars of his money was missing. So he went around to the accountant’s house to question him, taking along his lawyer(MAL), who knew sign language.

The Godfather said to MAL the lawyer, "Ask him where my money is."MAL the lawyer signed, "Where is the 10 million dollars?", and BAYMAN the accountant signed back, "I don’t know anything about it."

MAL the lawyer repeated this to the Godfather, who took out his pistol and pressed it to BAYMAN the accountant’s head. "Tell him if he doesn’t tell me where the money is right now, I’m going to kill him. "MAL the lawyer signed, "I think he’s serious. You better talk. " BAYMAN the accountant signed, "All right, I’ll talk. The money is in a brown suitcase buried in my cousin Enzo’s back yard."

The Godfather asked MAL the lawyer, "What did he say?". MAL the lawyer replied, "BAYMAN SAID YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO PULL THE TRIGGER!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day this guy MAL entered a contest to give the best toast before taking a shot of vodka.

His toast was: "Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife."

Later that night MAL told his wife that he had won a contest at the local bar. She asked him how he won.

Quickly MAL improvised and stated he made this toast:

"Here’s to spending the rest of my life.........umm......beside my wife at...ummm........chruch."

She thought it was a very nice toast.

The next day one of MAL'S best friend BAYMAN ran into his wife at the supermarket.

BAYMAN told her that MAL made a really great toast the other night.

Not knowing whatMAL had really toasted, she said that she like his toast but didn’t understand it,

"BECAUSE MAL'S ONLY BEEN THERE TWICE, AND ONCE I HAD TO PULL HIS EARS TO CUM!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized dicks.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It’s hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir", said the younger brother, "our mother."

"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don’t have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[magpie in the 80's]

TO MRS. MAL

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

Its too late - 15 times

Im too tired - 42 times

Its too early - 12 times

Its too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby MAL

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband MAL,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

Love, Your Wife, MRS. MAL

[JK]

If you are interested in the differences between men and women...........


> Let's say a guy named MAL is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
>
> They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.
>
> And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And MAL is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And MAL is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am
way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.

And MAL is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And MAL is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. >

And MAL is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.. .

''MAL, '' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says MAL, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this, '' she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so....''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says MAL.

''I'm such a fool, '' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says MAL.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says MAL, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time, '' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while MAL, thinking as fast as he can, tries
to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes, '' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, MAL, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says MAL.

''That way about time, '' says Elaine.

''Oh, '' says MAL. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, MAL, '' she says.

''Thank you, '' says MAL.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when MAL gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's
better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also MAL's policy regarding
world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.

Meanwhile, MAL, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?'

[JK]

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of
things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one
of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but
just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19,
with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood
spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't
believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on
the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.

Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom.

And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.

So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a s3x aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is.

So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole an4l thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see
how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?

I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

MAL

[JK]

CHILI COOK-OFFS IN TEXAS


NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to Taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
"Nevermore." --Frank

[JK]

MAL invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome MAL's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of MAL's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between MAL and the room-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, MAL volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mike came to MAL and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" MAL said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, MAL received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you 'don't' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,Mom"

[JK]

MAL rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

MAL smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor MAL breaks out in a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few moments, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

MAL proceeds with her into the apartment and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed MAL stammers, clears his throat and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astonished and says, "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! Their full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns are firm and I have no cellulite! Look at this skin-no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, MAL stammers, 'Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

[Strawb]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."