BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RustyCage]

George Bush is visiting Ground Zero in New York when he bumps into a Kiwi visiting the site. George asks him where he is from and bloke says,"I'm from New Zilland bro", now George isn't that smart so not knowing where New Zealand is he asks,"what state is that in?" The Kiwi looks around him and says, "About the same as this place."

[RustyCage]

An old drunk is walking by a church, he sees the priest out back dunking people in the water so they can be blessed/healed/whatever. He walks over to the father and says " IM ready father " So the priest proceeds to dunk him under water for a period of about 20 seconds. " Have you found jesus my son? " The priest asks. The old drunk says " No father do it again " So the priest proceeds to dunk him in the water for 30 seconds. " Have you found jesus my son?" The father asks. " No father I haven't " The drunk replies. Finally the priest grabs the man and yanks him under the water for a period over a minute. " HAve you found jesus yet my son?" The priest yells at the old man. The old man gulps, pauses and proceeds to say " Father, are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Booney]

Two young fella's take up a job out in an isolated station,mustering cattle.

Takes 'em two days to drive out from the city,all the way joking about the things they will miss.

When they get to the town,they are greeted by two surly looking locals.Cowboy hate,boots,utes the whole Aussie thing.They chat with the blokes and head into the pub for a celebratory lager or two.

One of the city boys asks," What do you guys do out here?"

One of the yokels says," We hunt,and we f***"

"Oh yeah,I love hunting,what do you hunt?"

"Something to f***"

[mal]

Two young fella's take up a job out in an isolated station,mustering cattle.

Takes 'em two days to drive out from the city,all the way joking about the things they will miss.

When they get to the town,they are greeted by two surly looking locals.Cowboy hate,boots,utes the whole Aussie thing.They chat with the blokes and head into the pub for a celebratory lager or two.

One of the city boys asks," What do you guys do out here?"

One of the yokels says," We hunt,and we f***"

"Oh yeah,I love hunting,what do you hunt?"

"Something to f***"

Moderator not in moderation but 7-8 rating that was

[mal]

LATEST RATINGS
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C PERM
the pig 8-0 funny
foot in it 8-0 2 good uns well done

BAYMAN
wombat 8-0

MAGPIE80S
speeding 8-0
sound like her 7-3
confession 7-7
popcorn 7-3
flys in drain 7-3
wrong feet 7-7
butler 8-3
piss on bar 8-1
left everything 7-4
thumb 7-5
hold chicken 7-4
20 years ago 8-0
priest and nun 7-7
pinnochio 7-5
tv microwave 8-4 blonde classic
cowboy hat 8-3 ripper
male brains 7-4
$50 pussy 8-4 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
sick last guy was 8-3 yuk !

STRAWBO7
tiger woods 8-0 nice punchline

KAHUNA
pumpkin 7-5

BOONEY
something to f..k 7-8 yuk

PAFC
geography 8-0 very 'graphic'
pa recruit 8-4 a ripper
drunk 7-4
vaseline 7-5
billy connelly 7-3
shot in knee 8-2
NZ state 7-5
found jesus 7-3


Great work

[Strawb]

Question: What to do if a tiger attacks a mother-in-law?








Answer: If he was the first to attack, let him defend himself on his own.

[Strawb]

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

[Strawb]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.


Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

[Strawb]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[Strawb]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[Strawb]

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.

He dropped down into a pasture of cows.

The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it.

At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!

He started crying out for joy as the ice melted.

A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:









1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

[mighty_tiger_79]

im looking at buying an un-named horse and we have put in some names and the name we really want is MY FACE.

jUst imagine when its coming down the home straight and all the ladies are shouting

'COME ON MY FACE'

[another grub]

I would have thought you would be used to saying that MT.......

[magpie in the 80's]

One morning in December, MAL and his wife rise from their night’s rest. MAL rolls over to his beautiful wife and asks how her night was.

She replies,"It was great! I had the best dream in the world." Intrigued, MAL urges her to go on. "Well, I had a dream that I had the most beautifully decorated Christmas Tree ever! It was covered with Cocks; big ones, long ones, hard ones, smooth ones, every kind of dick you could imagine."

MAL, now gloating a little asks, "Was mine at the top for the shining star?"
"No, yours was at the bottom with the broken wrinkly tiny ones. How was your night honey?"

Now pissed off, MAL replies, "Well honey, my dream was even better than yours! I dreamed that we had a Christmas Tree decorated with the most beautiful Vaginas ever; tight ones, pink ones, smooth ones, every kind of vagina."

"Was mine at the top for your shining star?"
Then MAL replies, "NO YOURS WAS HOLDING UP THE F...CKING TREE !!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL bought a bull from a local man. He was having trouble getting the bull to breed so he asked the man he bought it from what should he do.

The man said "just stick your fingers into the cows vagina and rub it on the bulls nose, he will get hard immediately." Ok, so MAL goes home and tries it, sure enough the bull goes wild and humps the shit out of the cow. That night MAL is laying in bed and thinks that he might get his dick up if he tried the same trick with his wife. So when shes sleeping he reaches over and sticks his fingers in her vagina, he rubs them under his nose and sure enough, here comes his hardon.

So MAL wakes her up and says " Honey, look!" She rolls over and says "BIG DEAL SO YOU GOT A BLOODY NOSE!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.

"But I don’t know how to hear confessions," said the altar boy.
"It’s easy," said the priest, "You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference."

So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.
"Father, I don’t know what to do," the man said. "Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and ****** her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her."

"That’s easy," said the altar boy. "Just give her milk & cookies LIKE THE PRIEST GIVES ME!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

In a hospital room, MAL was resting on the bed with an oxygen mask on. When the nurse came in the room to open the blinds, MAL asked her, "Are my testicles black?"

To which she replied, "I do not know... I am only here to open the blinds." MAL asked her again, "Are my testicles black?" And he kept asking until he got on her nerves so much, that she finally unzipped his hospital gown, looked down there, checked under them, and said,

"They are fine." With a confused look on his face, MAL took of his mask, and shouted, "I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK????"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT79 are walking down the beach ...when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well, MT79 goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"

MT79 freaks and runs away. So BAYMAN goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when she says "What will we name the child?" BAYMAN freaks out also and runs away.

mean while MAL has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? MAL ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.

Finally MAL finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. MAL turns to the girl and says, "IF HE GETS OUT OF THAT, WE'LL CALL HIM HOUDINI!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A young little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next day, she returns from school and cries:

"Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no boobs, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"NO DARLING, IT'S BECAUSE YOUR 25!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A young female shop assistant with a penchant for very short skirts worked in a bakery shop.

One day BAYMAN came in, saw the young woman and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

'I'd like some raisin bread, please,' he said politely.

The girl nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread on the very top shelf, where upon BAYMAN got a great view.

As she came down the ladder with the bread a small group of male customers began to gather around BAYMAN to check out the view.

Pretty soon they were all asking for raisin bread, just to see the her climb up and down.

After a while she got tired and irritated by all this, and from the top of the ladder, noticed an elderly MAL standing in the middle of the group.

'Is yours raisin too?' she yelled testily.

'No,' croaked feeble old MAL, "BUT IT'S STARTING TO TWITCH!!!!!!"