BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

as an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,"if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman."

she removes all her clothing and asks,"is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

a man stands up, removes his shirt and says "HERE IRON THIS"

PAGE6
M80 in top form with this quaint contribution

[mal]

3 ladies were on a plane when suddenly the captain announced "PLEASE PREPARE FOR A CRASH LANDING" the 1st lady put on all her jewelery. the 2 other ladies were surprised at this and had to ask her why. she replied when they come to rescue us they will see im rich and rescue me 1st. the 2nd lady not to be out done took off her top and bra. the 2 other ladies asked why she did this. well when they come to rescue us and they see my great tits they will rescue me 1st. well the 3rd lady who was african started taking off her dress and panties. why are you doing this the 2 other ladies ask? well she said they always search for the BLACK BOX FIRST.

PAGE 7
This is a favourite of mine
guarenteed to get a laugh at any party

[mal]

one day after striking gold in them ya hills an old miner waltzed into the saloon and said " i want the meanest roughest and toughest whore you got to the barman". "we got her" replied the barman. " she's upstairs 2nd door on your right. the miner gave the barman a gold nugget to pay for the whore and 2 beers. he then grabbed the 2 beers and marched up the stairs, crashed through the door and asked "are you the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in town. "yes thats me" she said. so she stripped naked , bent over and grabbed her ankles. "how did you know i wanted to do it in that position" asked the miner. i don't said the whore i just thought you might want to open those beers before we get started

PAGE 7
My sort of sick joke
LOL for ages, tell this one as often as possible, always a laugh

[mal]

husband and wife decide they want to take up golf.
they meet the golf pro at the driving range.
the husband goes first and knocks it 100 yards.
"not bad"said the golf pro "but this time hold the club as you would hold your wife's tits."
the husband follows the instructions and sails the ball 300 yards down the fairway.
"fantastic" said the golf pro. "now its your wife's turn"
she grabs the club and hits the ball 30 yards.
golf pro says "not bad" "now try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick"
she swings and the ball goes only 5 yards.
golf pro says "not bad but now try taking the club out of your MOUTH and hit the ball

PAGE7
Possibly the best golf joke ive seen
Most golf jokes are boring, but not this one

[mal]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in
competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
The final four were:

4th Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start
behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's
willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was
deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter".


3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was
living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on as a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family -
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends,
were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a
state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system,
which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check
for Tampax Super-size". But it got worse...

Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a
business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address
system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind
you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place - And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in
male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct"
adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again,
the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without
another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as
she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat."

PAGE 8
Another star joke teller PAFC 1870 with a very good one

[mal]

a judge had to convict 2 drug users but its friday night and he couldn't be bothered.
so he thought he would give them an opportunity to redeem themselves.
the judge says "ok you 2 you have the w/end to save as many drug users as you can"
now being monday the judge asks the 1st one "ok how many did you save"
1st druggie said 4. the judge asks how. 1st druggie says "i drew 2 circles in the ground 1 small 1 large.
then told the druggies that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small one is your brain after drugs,
good said the judge your free to go now for the 2nd drug user.
"well i saved 2,546 drug users" said the 2nd drug user. "WOW how did you save that many" asked the judge.
"i too used the circle theory your honor but the other way round" said the druggie
"i pointed to the small circle and said "THIS IS THE SIZE OF YOUR ASSHOLE BEFORE YOU GO TO PRISON....!!!!!!

PAGE 8
Absolutely sensational, hope I never go to jail.....
Another M80 classic

[mal]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 Litres of low fat milk
6eggs
2 litres of orange juice
A lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk was standing behind her watching. While the till operator was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly said "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about them that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're f****** ugly."

PAGE9
A genuine classic by the funny PAFC
Ive actually rejigged this joke and many people get a laugh from this BJ gem

[mal]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak

PAGE9
Possibly the most sickest and best jokes Ive ever read
Short sweet and the 'hole' truth
Vintage PAFC

[mal]

A Kiwi a Yank and MAL were bulshitting each other one day.
The Kiwi turned to the others and said, " New Zealand sheep
are so big they take a whole day to be shorn."
The Yank and MAL shook thier heads in disbelief.
The Yank then bragged " Thats nothing back in Texas the cattle are
so big it takes a forklift to turn the steaks on the grill."
MAL smiled , " Well in Australia the women have pussies three metres wide."
The other 2 laughed and one said, " Well how the hell do you f..k them MAL?"
" They stretch!"

MT79
This was a very rude and very funny BJ
You wont have many funnier than this BJ classic

[mal]

MAL asked his doctor if wanking was harmful.
" Not usually." he answered, " Not unless you do it too often MAL."
" How about 7 times a day Doc ?"
" Thats a bit excessive MAL why dont you get a girlfriend?"
" Already gotta girlfriend Doc."
" MAL I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with."
" Doc i gotta woman just like that."
" Then why do you wank 7 times a day?"
" Coz the bitch wont have sex during meals."

PAGE9
MT79 this is an absolute ripper
simple and funny

[mal]

grandpa and grandma are sitting at the breakfast table one morning when gramps says "you know dear that today we have been married for 50 years. grandma says thats right and 50 years ago we use to have breakfast in the NUDE at this very table. why dont we try it again says gramps. so they both strip off to the buff and start having breakfast. grandma says to gramps that she's getting hot and cold flushes. to which gramps replies " no wonder your getting hot and cold flushes dear one boobs in your COFFEE and the other is in your CORNFLAKES

PAGE 10
One day you will be old...and enjoy this even more
Superb effort MAGPIE

[mal]

guess what this is............

"F..CK OFF!!!!"
"No its my turn"
"But you had it earlier let me have it you bastard"
"Shut the F..CK up i'm not finished"
.
.
.
.
.
siamese twins having a wank

PAGE10
sick sick sick funny funny funny
M80 you have the greatest collection of all jokes on BJ

[mal]

a woman went with her husband to the doctor's . after his checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. the doc said, " your husband his suffering from a very servere stress disorder. if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". each morning prepare him a good healthy breakfast. be plesant at all times. for lunch make him a nutrious meal. for dinner prepare him his favourite meal. don't burden him with any jobs round the house. don't discuss your problems with him, it will only stress him more. no nagging and most importantly , give him a blow job several times a week. if you can do this for the next 10 months, i think your husband will regain his health completely."

on the way home, the husband asked his wife, "what did the doctor say"
to which she replied "YOUR GOING TO DIE SOON"

PAGE10
Another sick joke and as per usual funny BJ by the doyen of them all
Great punchline gets the gag funny

[mal]

Thats the gags on pages 1-10 completed and what I considered the best of all.
Some very funny material
I will do the next pages 11-20 at another time
Sensational stuff by all

[RustyCage]

Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35,she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick

[RustyCage]

Mark Williams, the coach of Port Adelaide gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Bosnia. Williams and the Power Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war torn Bosnia and track the young boy down.

They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year.

Ten minutes into the first quarter, Chad Cornes goes down with a severe knee injury. Mark Williams turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go to centre half forward and show us what you can do."

The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.

The Power chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Mark Williams tells the team what the boy from Bosnia has been through and that he is a model lesson for all. Williams then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today".

He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?

"I don't care what you did today his Mother replies. "I tell you what
happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was murdered, our house
torched, our car blown up, your sister raped and your brother abducted."

"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened". The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to Port Adelaide."

[RustyCage]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[RustyCage]

A prisoner escapes from Prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you "

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too..."

[RustyCage]

Billy Connelly on "Things I hate about everybody...."
> >
> > 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
> > know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at
> > my trousers fly when I ask where the toilet is?
> >
> > 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
> > room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
> > change the channel manually.
> >
> > 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
> > too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
> >
> > 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
> > it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
> > people really do this? Who and where are they?
> >
> > 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No,
> > you dick-head, I paid 15 dollars to come to the movies to stare at
> > the f*cking floor.
> >
> > 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me
> > a choice there, did you sunshine?
> >
> > 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
> > then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
> > improvement, then there must have been something before it.
> >
> > 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
> > longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's
> > longer?
> >
> > 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
> > come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
> >
> > 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to
> > be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
> >
> > 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
> > it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
> >
> > 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's
> > an image I really didn't need.
> >
> > 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
> > insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be
> > a Mc Chicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks...........Well
I'll have a
> > McStraw and jam it up your McArse you McF*cking McTosser.
> >
> > 14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks "are you
> > alright?"... "Yes, I'm fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off
then."

[RustyCage]

A woman who was recently widowed from her husband of 65 years was very depressed. She decided that she would be better off dead and was anxious to meet her longtime husband in the afterlife.
“I think I’ll shoot myself with his service revolver” she said to herself. But her failing memory had her confused as to where her heart was located. Not wanting to miss and hit some other vital organ and possibly just fail at the task and remain a vegetable for the rest of her life, becoming a burden to her family, she decides to call her doctor for directions.
“Where is the heart located? “ she asks.
“ Well it’s just below the left breast.” replies the doctor. “Why? Don’t you feel well?” he inquires.
“I feel fine, was just wondering is all.” was her reply.
That night at the hospital emergency ward they wheeled in the old lady. “My God!! Said the doctor “What the hell happened to her?”
“Shot herself in the left knee.” the paramedic replied.