BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

RATINGS TIME
As usual another great batch
Im not convinced about the sausage joke......
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MAGNIFICENT MAGPIE OF THE EIGHTIES
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FRENCH CONDOMS 7-5
ASPRINS 7-7
GOLF MISS 7-5
TAXI 7-6
DIDNT FEEL A THING 8-2
FLUSH BEATS A PAIR 8-4
BRIDGE 7-4
HELLO MUM 8-0
CONDOMS 7-5
$200 OWES ME 8-2
DISABILITY PENSION
NO FEE 7-3
IN CIDER 8-2
NOT HOME LAST NITE 7-5
GOLF 7-3
MELBOURNE 7-2
******* NUTS 8-0
CAMEL 7-4
SWING BY THE TITS 7-8
ASSHOLE 7-9

good batch as usual M80
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MR66
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at last on debut, your a sick sick sick man

SNOW WHITE 8-5
WISH YOU WERE 6 7-7
HAGAR 7-5

looking forward to more sickos
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CON PERM
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Im still in raptures with that 57 year old lady joke previous batch

SKIPPING 8-3
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FALCON CHICK
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Sausage no rating leave it to M80

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PAFC
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ELMO 7-5
youve gone quiet of late

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CENTURION
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ELIZABETH JOKES 7-7 [best were society + whos driving ones]
as for my Elizabeth joke hmn....

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IRON FIST
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welcome to the site, thanks for your one and only joke
2X5=10 ...7-9

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Once again I need to apologise for stealing C/PERM material for my taxi joke

VIEWS 38,122

[magpie in the 80's]

TAXI JOKE RATING 8.9 MAL stealing someone's material is a NO-NO
ELIZABETH JOKE RATING 7.9 AND repeating jokes are a NO-NO too

SAUSAGE JOKE RATING 7.0 as FC said you gotta have a warped sense of humour

[mal]

TAXI JOKE RATING 8.9 MAL stealing someone's material is a NO-NO
ELIZABETH JOKE RATING 7.9 AND repeating jokes are a NO-NO too

SAUSAGE JOKE RATING 7.0 as FC said you gotta have a warped sense of humour

I hope CP will not sue me for copyrights

As for that FC sausage joke 7-0 thats as low as I go for a rating please improve

[mal]

Elizabeth Jokes...



Q. Two Elizabeth girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.



Q. What does an Elizabeth girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.



Q. What do you call a 30 year old Elizabeth girl?

A. Granny.



Q. Why did the Elizabeth girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.





Q. What do you call an Elizabeth girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.



Q. What's the first question during an Elizabeth quiz night?

A. What you looking at?



Q. Two Elizabeth kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.



Q. What's the difference between an Elizabeth boy and an Elizabeth girl?

A. An Elizabeth girl has a higher sperm count.



Q. Three Elizabeth youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?

A. The car seats four.

Nice work


Went to Elizabeth Oval last week and at the gate in front of me was:
A skinhead, a drug addict, a drunk,a bloke with a concession card and a bloke with his lip pierced.
And that was just one person.....

Are you taking the piss out of me?

Nah not taking the piss outa you
Just an old recycled joke of mine [best joke MAL moderator M80 has told me off for this recycle as well]

[JK]

TAXI JOKE RATING 8.9 MAL stealing someone's material is a NO-NO
ELIZABETH JOKE RATING 7.9 AND repeating jokes are a NO-NO too

SAUSAGE JOKE RATING 7.0 as FC said you gotta have a warped sense of humour

I hope CP will not sue me for copyrights

As for that FC sausage joke 7-0 thats as low as I go for a rating please improve

I'm expecting royalties for that one Malcolm!

[JK]

Bloke celebrates his first night out of jail by completely writing himself off at the pub ... Whilst stumbling his way home he comes across a brothel which hadn't been there 5 years ago when Sydney's finest took him away.

"Ah well it's been 5 years, might aswell" He mutters as he enters the building.

Buxom Bevvy in a glittering gown inquires "How can I help you sir".

Bloke replies "Yeah, I'll take whatever I can get for 20 bucks"

Buxom Bevvy leads the drunk to a darkened room and closes the door before he has either the time or sense to ask where he is.

Bloke can't see a thing but feels something brush against his leg ... As he grabs the moving offender he hears an almighty squeal, followed by a few oinks ... "Ah well it's been 5 years" He says as his drops his strides and discards 5 years worth of establishment imposed celibacy into the unsuspecting piece of bacon!

Satisfied, the bloke whips his strides back up, fumbles around for a while until discovering an exit and nicks off home.

1 week later the bloke leaves the same pub, in the same condition and stumbles his way along the path of 7 days prior until he reaches the Brothel again.

He enters the building again, yet this time however he barks to her Buxomness "I'll take whatever I can get for 10 bucks" ... BB rolls her eyes, takes the cash and says "Come With Me" as she leads him into a different room.

Once there the drunk takes a seat behind mirrored glass alongside several other blokes and watches on in amazement as a strapping young lad right royally rogers a blonde beauty, unawares of the onlookers surrounding the glass!!

The drunk can barely contain his delight as he leans over to the bloke next to him and says with a smile "How **** good is this for 10 bucks!!!

The bloke sitting next to him cups his hands and whispers back "You should have been here last week, we watched some bloke **** a pig!!!"

[mal]

This is actually true from my Bay disco days [disco at the Glenelg footy club sunday nights in the 80s]

I used to go up to suntanned girls and ask :

" Are you from Lebanon?"
" No Im not why do you ask ?"
" Oh its just that you look like a Beirut girl!" [Bayroot girl ]

MAGPIE rated this 8.2 in another forum
This was a dinkum line I used with startling success

[bayman]

This is actually true from my Bay disco days [disco at the Glenelg footy club sunday nights in the 80s]

I used to go up to suntanned girls and ask :

" Are you from Lebanon?"
" No Im not why do you ask ?"
" Oh its just that you look like a Beirut girl!" [Bayroot girl ]

MAGPIE rated this 8.2 in another forum
This was a dinkum line I used with startling success

they used to call you WOMBAT, as wombats eat roots & leaves

[magpie in the 80's]

A police officer pulls MAL over for speeding and has the following exchange:


Officer: May I see your driver's license?
MAL: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's title for this vehicle?
MAL: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
MAL: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's title in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
MAL: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK ?!?!?
MAL: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached MAL to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
MAL: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
MAL: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' title. MAL owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
MAL: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
MAL: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

MAL: Yeah ?! I'll bet the lying son of a bitch TOLD YOU I WAS SPEEDING TOO!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks MAL the assistant for some bum deodorant. MAL the pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures MAL the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says MAL the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to MAL the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY PUSH UP BOTTOM!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL completely inebriated walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and pinched her on the butt.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

MAL immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable JERK!!!" she screamed.

"FUNNY," MAL muttered, "YOU EVEN SOUND LIKE HER!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A drunk MAL staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still MAL says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get MAL to speak.

Finally, MAL the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, THERE'S NO PAPER IN THIS ONE EITHER!!!!!" ...

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was so attached to his duck that he'd take it everywhere he went. One day MAL went to watch a movie to the cinema.
Before he could go in, the cashier girl told him to leave the duck behind as to no one was allowed to take animals inside the theatre.

MAL really wanted to take his duck with him. So he stuffed his duck inside of his pants and went in. MAL found a seat to sit down and he began to watch the movie. After a while, the duck inside of his pants began to get restless. MAL opened up his fly and let the duck's head out of the pants.

Beside MAL, there was a couple who's wife sat next to MAL. Suddenly the wife whispered to her husband.
"Ralph, this man!" she said
"what is it??" said her husband irritated by the disturbance while trying to watch the movie.
"Ralph his penis!" grudged the wife.
"what!" said the husband annoyed at his wife
"Ralph his penis!!" said the wife again
"Does it bother you????" asked the husband, this time very annoyed at his wife.
"No, but-his.." The wife continued.
"Shut up woman and watch the movie!!" shouted the husband.
"I can't!-" she said
"IT'S EATING MY POPCORN!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The dockyard men's room was always filthy because the workers never peed accurately in the drain. Every day BAYMAN who was in charge of sanitation at the dockyard would have to call in the cleaners to wipe off the mess inside the men's room.

After few months of bringing the toilet cleaners in, the budget was exceeding, bills piling up and BAYMAN the sanitation guy had to think of an alternative way to solve this daily problem in the men's room. So what he did was he called in a famous economist (MAL) and explained to MAL the problem in the men's room.

MAL the economist went away with this and after a couple of weeks came up with a possible solution to end this problem. MAL told BAYMAN the sanitation guy to paste little flies randomly into the drain and guaranteed this would work. BAYMAN was surprised at his solution and he started to argue with MAL the economist.

The next day, BAYMAN came into the men's room only to find a clean healthy environment inside and that no one had peed outside the drain because EVERYONE HAD BEEN AIMING AT THE FLIES IN THE DRAIN!!!!!! WELL DONE MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

SCD and his wife were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners come in. Come into my humble shop." So SCD and his wife walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals i think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but SCD felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. SCD asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, SCD, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, SCD rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they told their butler MT79 that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.

After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler MT79 spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

"THE NEXT TIME I CATCH YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES YOUR FIRED!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

MAL pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied MAL

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said MAL.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," MAL said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, MAL pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid MAL his 50 dollars.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said MAL.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, MAL pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said MAL

With that, MALwent to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, MAL stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. MAL couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

MAL climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

MAL climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and STILL MAKE YOU LAUGH!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL decided to go skiing with his buddy, BAYMAN. They loaded up MAL'S station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," MAL said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, MAL got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend BAYMAN and said, "BAYMAN, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."said BAYMAN

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" asks MAL
"Yes, I have to admit that I did." said BAYMAN

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asks MAL

BAYMAN'S face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks" says MAL " SHE JUST DIED AND LEFT ME EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men (MAL), and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to MAL and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," MAL replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and MAL finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked MAL, "How does that feel?"

To which MAL replied, "It feels great, BUT MY THUMB STILL HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

One day, farmer MAL was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, MAL now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm "Hey, thanks!" farmer MAL said, and off he went.

While walking MAL met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township
Road?" MAL the farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 123 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" MAL the farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'LL HOLD THE CHICKENS!!!!!!!"