BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RustyCage]

How many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry about it.

How many emo kids does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them

how do you get a emo kid out of a tree:?
cut the rope

is emo cake so good?
it cuts itself

What did the emo kid say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
TRICK QUESTION! Emos dont have girlfriends

Why did the emo cross the road?
To get a box of tissues

What do you call a bunch of emos at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

what do you say to an emo in a cue?
no cutting

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself

how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3. One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.

How do you kill an emo?
Give it a knife.

What do you call a crap female emo?
A man.

(To the tune of "if you're happy and you know it...")
"If you're emo and you know it, slit your wrists!"

What's an emo's favourite Divinyls song?
"When I Think About You I Cut Myself"

When is the only time you wink at an emo?
When you're staring at him through a sniper scope.

What do you call a dead emo?
A good start.

Two people are walking down a street, suddenly an emo is shot and dies as the other emo runs off crying. The first person says "Oh my god, someone just shot that emo! Did you see?", the second person replies "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy reloading my gun".

What do you say to a crippled emo?
Nothing, you already told him once.

What do you call a dead 16 year old emo?
A delayed miracle

What's the best thing about beating up an emo?
Watching him cry about it to his boyfriend afterwards

do you think the word emo would be accepted in scrabble?
Of course not. Emos are never accepted anywhere.

If you don't have stupid floppy hair and you're not miserable all the time then you're not an emo.

An emo walks into a pub.
It sees people having fun and laughing, starts crying and goes home

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

MAL ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread??"

MAL(in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

MAL listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

MAL "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Australia."

After a moment of silence, MAL then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

MAL says "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

MAL: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

MAL sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Mal looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His daughter is also at the table, eating.

Mal asks, "daughter...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His daughter replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE BITCH, I'M MARRIED!!!".



Broken table - $585.26

Hot breakfast - $15.20

Red Rose bud - $10.00

Two aspirins - $0.30

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

[magpie in the 80's]

A Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said,

"Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language.

At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed."

Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says,

"SHIT I MISSED"










."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped MAL. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

MAL just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, MAL just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well," MAL said "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town
is $30."

[magpie in the 80's]

At a Medical Convention, MT79 (being a doctor) and a female doctor started eyeing each other. MT79 invited the female doctor for dinner and she accepted. As they sat down at the restaurant , she excused herself to go and wash her hands. After the dinner, one thing lead to another and they ended up in her Hotel Bedroom.

Just as things got hot, the female doctor interrupted and said that she had to go and wash her hands. When she came back they went for it.

After the sex session , she got up and said that she was going to wash her hands.

As she came back the MT79 said "I bet you are a surgeon"
She confirmed and asked how he knew. "Easy, you are always washing your hands" MT79 said.

"That's very clever" she said. "I bet you are an anesthesiologist"
"Wow, how did you guess?" MT79 asked.

"I DIDN'T FEEL A THING!!!!!" she said.

[magpie in the 80's]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day. They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter mustdecide which of them will get in.

He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Okay, your majesty, you may go in."

Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the hell was that all about? I showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't."

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "BUT A ROYAL FLUSH BEATS A PAIR ANY DAY!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was walking down at glenelg beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The Genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

MAL sat and thought about it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

MAL said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I didn't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing... know how to make them truly happy!"

Genie:- "ERR MAL... ABOUT THAT BRIDGE, YOU WANT IT 2 LANES OR 4?!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. MAL the salesman told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!"

mal arched an eyebrow, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

With that, mal said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."

She did.

MAL then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

MAL then said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

MAL then said, "Go ahead... take it out."

She took it out, grabbed hold with both hands...then paused.

MAL closed his eyes, and whispered, "Well...go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said, "HELLO MOM?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these Dad?"

To which BAYMAN matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

BAYMAN replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." BAYMAN answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, BAYMAN replied, "Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March........!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day at home MRS. MAL is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it and BAYMAN says "Hi, is MAL home?"

MRS, MAL replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence BAYMAN says "You know MRS.MAL, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

MRS.MAL thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to BAYMAN for a few seconds. BAYMAN promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and BAYMAN then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

MRS.MAL amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives BAYMAN a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later MAL arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend BAYMAN came over."

MAL thinks about it for a second and says, "WELL DID HE DROP OFF THE $200 HE OWES ME?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the retired gentlman went into the social security office to apply for social security After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. MAL looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?"MAL asks.

The woman says,"unbutton your shirt"
So MAL opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. she says"that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.

When MAL gets home, he excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. she said,"you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified FOR DISABILITY TOO!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree.
I not see.

No Fee.....

[magpie in the 80's]

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I heard sis say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL looked over the backyard fence and admired SCD'S wife while she sunbathed topless.

The next day, MAL corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." SCD was quite put out over the peeping incident and told MAL he planned revenge.

That very evening, SCD noticed that MAL'S bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices MAL'S wife in the act of performing oral sex.

The very next day SCD calls out to MAL, "Hey, MAL, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night."

MAL replies, "HA HA HA, LIAR!!! I WASN'T HOME LAST NIGHT!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A beautiful, sexy woman was playing a round of golf with three male friends, MT79, BAYMAN and MAL and was playing the round of her life. On the 18th green she needs to sink a 25 foot putt to break 80 for the first time ever so she said to her friends, none of whom have ever hooked up with her, "if one of you reads this putt correctly and I make it I will give you a blow job right here on the green."

So, MT79 steps up and says, "I think it breaks right to left and you should start the putt about three balls outside the right edge."

BAYMAN says, "no way, the putt actually breaks only slightly right to left. Do not give up the hole and start the putt just inside the right edge."

MAL steps up to read the putt. He walks all around the green reading all the undulations and slopes, obviously very focused on the task at hand. After a few minutes MAL turns to the woman and says, "PICK IT UP HONEY, IT'S A GIMME!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

3 truck drivers DUTCHY, BAYMAN and MAL died and met St. Peters at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peters said, "I’m going to ask you 2 questions, I want you to answer them honestly."

He asked DUTCHY and BAYMAN, "Have you ever cheated on your log books?"
They replied, "No sir."

St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"
They replied, " No we sure have’nt."

St. Peters says, "You 2 go to door #1."

then MAL walks up there and St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your log book?"
old MAL replies, "F...K yes I have, drove from PERTH to SYDNEY. and never wrote down an hour either way."

St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"
old MAL replies, "Oh hell yes, there’s this bitch in MELBOURNE that gives the best blow job in the world!"

St. Peters tells him, "You go to door #2."

old MAL strolls over and looks back at St. Peters, "Why am I going to door #2 and those 2 assholes are going to door #1?"

St. Peters replies, "Cause those 2 are going to hell for lying and you and I are going to MELBOURNE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A high school class was taking a trip to the insane asylum and a kid sneaks off saying he wants to see what these people are really like.

He goes into the first room and see MAL grabbing and twisting his head. The kid asks what are you doing? MAL replies screwing my head on straight so I can get outta here.

The kid says cool and goes to the next room where he sees BAYMAN balling up this brown stuff and asks what are you doing? BAYMAN replies getting my shit together so i can get the hell outta here.

The kid says cool and goes to the next room and sees MT79 cumming in a bag of peanuts he asks what the hell are you doing? MT79 replies "I'M F...KING NUTS, AIN'T NO WAY I'M GETTING OUTTA HERE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day a priest(MAL) and a nun where traveling through the desert on a camel and suddenly the camel falls over dead, and after hours of contemplating they realize that there is no hope for survival.

so the priest(MAL) says to the nun "since were gonna die anyway can i ask for one favor," the nun replies "sure" and he says "i have never felt a womans breasts may i please touch yours?" the nun agrees and after about five minutes of fondling the nun says to the preist "now can i ask you favor, i have never felt a mans penis before may i touch yours?" the preist(MAL)replies "sure" and after about 5 minutes of fondling the priest(MAL) says to the nun "

ya know if i stick this in something i can create life" and the nun replies "well what are you waiting for stick that thing in the camel and lets get the f...k out of here!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today’s world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell’s Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I’d like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.

A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don’t mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we’re a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I’ve been swung around by the tits a few times!!!!!!"