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[mal]

This was an email I received form Bayman

Gidday Mal,

Went to the pub last night with my girlfriend
I was subjected to abuse as Ive not known in my lifetime
The pub crowd were shouting pedophile and other nasty names at me
All this because she is 18 and Im 51 years old
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary

[Strawb]

Speeding in multi-story car parks is wrong on so many different levels!

[Media Park]

This was an email I received form Bayman

Gidday Mal,

Went to the pub last night with my girlfriend
I was subjected to abuse as Ive not known in my lifetime
The pub crowd were shouting pedophile and other nasty names at me
All this because she is 18 and Im 51 years old
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary

Quality!

[locky801]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!!!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed thebutton. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[mal]

Bayman has done it again

A solar salesman lobbed on his doorstep , and within minutes Bayman was convinced to have it
He had a solar power system installed last November, costing $5,000
From late November till presently Bayman has been billed on numerous occasions to pay for the system
Bayman ignored the notices
Then the manager of the company rang Bayman yesterday
Heres how the conversation went

Mr Bayman we have been sent several notices for you to pay for a solar system that was installed on the 11th of November last year, is there any reason why you have declined to pay for the system ?

Whaddaya talkin about, I dont have to pay

Mr Bayman if you refuse to pay I will have to instigate legal action

But I dont have to pay mate, thats the deal

Mr Bayman, Im a bit confused, why are you under the impression that you dont have to pay ?

Mate, dont bother me, its gunna be all done by this November

Whys that ?

Whys that you ask, well how about communicating with your salesman mate, he said it would pay itself off in 12 months

[Strawb]

Mal and Bayman were sitting at the members bar down there at Glenelg.
Bayman goes to Mal "See those two old blokes down the other end of the bar? That will be us in ten years time."

Mal looks up from his beer and says "Bayman you idiot that is us in A MIRROR."

[mal]

An old guy approached Bayman near Pinkys today
He made Bayman an astonishing request
"' Mate for $1000, and with a condom, would you let me f..k you up the bum?"
Bayman lost on the punt that day was broke and seriously considered the offer
"" Mate I will drop a $1000 by your feet and in the time it takes you to pick up the money I will root you up the bum and then promise I will leave .""
Bayman rings me up for advice, and tells me about the scenario
I tell him he is a fool not to take up the offer
"" Take his offer, Im certain you can pick up the money while the sucker is still trying to get his pants off, and call me after its finished."'
An hour later Bayman rings me back
"" Hi its me."'
"" Well, what happened Dedja get the $1,000?""
"" Yeah got some of the money Mal, but not all of it.""
"" Why what happened?"'
"" The guy used 20 cent pieces.""

[Strawb]

The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

[Strawb]

Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."

[locky801]

New Aussie Pickup Line...






A Bloke was standing at a bar and a Beautiful woman was beside him so he Leans over and says...

"You remind me of my little Toe"

She replies, "What?... You Mean I'm Small and Cute?"





He says "Nah, I`ll probably Bang you on the Coffee table later when I'm Drunk"

[Strawb]

New Aussie Pickup Line...






A Bloke was standing at a bar and a Beautiful woman was beside him so he Leans over and says...

"You remind me of my little Toe"

She replies, "What?... You Mean I'm Small and Cute?"





He says "Nah, I`ll probably Bang you on the Coffee table later when I'm Drunk"

[locky801]

Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

[locky801]

397889_10150500487366595_640411594_8978780_143651852_n.jpg (55.22 KiB) Viewed 1703 times

[am Bays]

George Michael has sent a letter of sympathy to captain of the Costa Concordia, "I too am often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and lots of dead seaman inside of me after a night's cruising..."

[CENTURION]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

[Straight Line]

A bloke standing at a piss trough and next to him is a black guy taking a leak with a huge Dong.
Gee thats hugh how did you get it so big he asks
Well, tie some string to the base of you old fella and tie a brick to the other end and let it hang for an hour each night
2 weeks go past and they bump into each other again
The black guy says "how did you go"
well i done what you said every night but i dont know about it getting any bigger but it is definately turning black

[Strawb]

I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and an IV in each arm.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid biatch...why else would I buy dog food??

[mickey]

After landing myself in jail, I spent the next hour getting anally raped. Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly far too seriously.

[locky801]

" Morning Sex"


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Straight Line]

I couldn,t believe my wife when she told me that Davy Jones had died "Until I saw her face now im a believer"