BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.




The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.



They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave

a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a

woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids

or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little

in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .

[locky801]

TRUCKERS' BREAKFAST



A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh.... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'





'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!’

FOR ONCE, THE BLONDE GETS EVEN !!!

[CENTURION]

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks: “What is wrong??”
The boy says: “‘Me ma is dead.”
“Oh bejaysus,” the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??”
The boy replies: “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.”

[Baron Greenback]

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks: “What is wrong??”
The boy says: “‘Me ma is dead.”
“Oh bejaysus,” the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??”
The boy replies: “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.”

Ha! Love it.

[Media Park]

TRUCKERS' BREAKFAST



A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh.... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'





'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!’

FOR ONCE, THE BLONDE GETS EVEN !!!

A joke that makes you think...

The bar has been raised...

[valleys07]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window, the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard. They're asking for a $310 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[valleys07]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell, while there, they spy a red phone and ask for what the phone is.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes, when she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours, when he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

[Snap Kick Ninja]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears a's his grandmothers alzhiemers had progressed to the point she forgot who Dave was

[OnSong]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears a's his grandmothers alzhiemers had progressed to the point she forgot who Dave was

Love it!

[Media Park]

Nice one Snap Kick!

[locky801]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

[The Dark Knight]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

[brod]

Very funny Locky

[Media Park]

Nice Locky!!!

[locky801]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,



"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?

[CENTURION]

What's the difference between Jamie Oliver & a cross-country run?
Well, a cross-country run is a pant in the country........

[valleys07]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.


Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.


'What's dat?', says his mate.


'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

[CENTURION]

What's the difference between a female Port supporter & a Catfish?
One's got whiskers & smells........and the other one's a fish.

[Baron Greenback]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.


Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.


'What's dat?', says his mate.


'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

Ha!

[Keefy]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

Its length and width were almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.