BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[bayman]

these two girls one blonde the other a redhead, were walking down the street, when they got to the florist the redhead notice her boyfriend was in there buying flowers, the blonde said 'how sweet' 'my boyfriend never buys me anything like that' & the redhead replies 'yes it is sweet but it is what he wants to do after that gets me', the blonde says 'what does he want then' red replies 'he'll want me on my back & my legs spread as far as they can go for 3 days' the blonde says to the redhead 'why haven't you got a vase'

[Punk Rooster]

One evening after dinner a young couple were enjoying a fine bottle of wine and discussing love, life and the secrets of the universe.
"Lightness and darkness, good and evil, Yin and Yang, these things exist not exclusively of each other but because of each other and yet cannot coexist." said the young man, "For example, I'll bet that you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

His wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's..."

[mal]

RATINGS
------------

PUNK

stand still 8-6 absolute gem
kayeff taxi driver 8-4
brother dick 7-6

LUNCHCUTTER

barbie dolls 7-4

LIZEAGLES

sheep idiot 8-2


STRAWBO7

eggs 7-5
prison 7-4
nz deer hunters 7-6
ugly baby 7-7
4 boys 7-5
ricky photos 7-7
pig 8-1
hanging wright 7-4
bus stop 7-4
fart footy 8-0 good work

KAYEFF

crazy horse 8-8 absolute classic

OUR LONGREACH

fax 7-5

SCOOB

chris munce 8-3 still laughing

DEVILS ADVOCATE

whos driving 8-5 classic

BAYMAN

vase 8-0 good one


MAGPIE IN THE 80S

mal mailman 8-6 one of your very very best
injun running 7-6
closet 7-5
enlarged photo 8-3 very clever
condom salesman 7-4
2000 pds dynamite 7-9
mals wife 7-5
old couple 7-3
dog walk 7-4
small load 8-0 liked it
sex teacher 7-8
gas stove 7-4
girls night out 7-4
before the op 7-9
changed sex 7-6
golf bag 7-5
oral sex 7-5
$25 hooker 7-3
resteraunt 8-6 still laughing
new ears 7-5
are you sick 8-0 good one
tight pussy 7-6
herpes 7-5

good work

25266 views

[mal]

Why do Catholic Priests like 28 year old boys?
Because theres 20 of them !

[mal]

MT79 picks up a hooker on Hanson Road and takes her back home and drops his strides.
The pro responds
"Shit who ya gunna satisfy with that half inch dick ?"
"Me."

[magpie in the 80's]

President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Sir, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

President: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

President: "Afghanistan...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

President: "What about India?"

Minister: "Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh- tell him we need one million condoms; coloured white and green, same as our flag; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakistani's really are!!"

The President called the Indian Prine Minister, who agreed to help the Pakistani's out in their hour of need.

Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad- full of boxes. A delighted President rushed out to open the boxes.

He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured in the flags colours. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one

.
.
.
.
MADE IN INDIA
SIZE: SMALL

[magpie in the 80's]

Two elderly gentlemen MAL and BAYMAN from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "MAL, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

MAL said, "I feel just like a newlyborn baby."

"Really? Like a newlyborn baby?"said BAYMAN

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders from school accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track (GDP) to learn about harness racing horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her they couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'M IN THE 7TH RIDING BAYMAN'S BEAUTY". BUT thanks for the lift anyhow!!!! .

[Kahuna]

A visual joke hope it works.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in trouble when he gets home.

"No problem" says SCD, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."

So MAL gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following SCD's advice, he proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, soft snoring.

MAL quite pleased with himself, heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the toilet. "Shhhhhhh........" she says, "MOTHERS IN TOWN!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day, a young MT79 walks in on his brother and his girlfriend having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" and his brother replies, "I'm playing poker -- she's the queen and I'm the king. The young MT79 leaves, not knowing any better.

A week later, MT79 walks in on his parents having sex and says, "Dad, what are you doing?" and his father replies, "I'm playing poker -- she's the queen and I'm the king" He leaves again, not knowing any better.

The next day, MT79's brother walks in on him masturbating and says, "What are you doing?" and the kid says, "I'm playing poker." "Where's the queen?" his brother asks, and MT79 replies, "What do I need a queen, WHEN I'VE GOT A HAND LIKE THIS?!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

little BAYMAN raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct,because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

little MAL says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

little MT79 raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So MT79 replies, "Then I DEFINATELY shit my pants.!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and MAL put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

MAL'S wife got up and started stripping in front of him. MAL was confused and asked, "What the hell are you doing, taking all your jammies off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

MAL said, "HELL NO!!!! I WAS JUST WETTING MY FINGERS SO I CAN TURN THE PAGE!!!!!.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL being the married man he is was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh MAL, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." MAL replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't,"MAL replied. "My wife loves this beard!" The
girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, MAL crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

MAL'S wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, BAYMAN, you shouldn't be here. MAL will be home soon!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is driving down the road one day, is involved in a crash and dies. The next thing he knows he is standing in a hallway and he can tell that he is in hell. As he leans against the wall to weep over his plight satan walks up to him.

Satan asks, " What's wrong?"
MAL says, "Well, the last thing I remember is driving down the road and getting in a crash, now here I am in hell right?"
Satan says, " Yeah, you're right, but hell gets a bad rap, would you like me to explain?"
"OK" MAL says.
Satan asks, "Well you like sex don't you?"
"Yeah!" MAL says.
Satan tells him "Monday is sex day here in hell. Hell is full of beautiful women and on monday you can have sex with any of them for as long as you want, anyway that you want", satan says.
"That doesn't seem too bad", MAL says.
Satan asks, "You like to drink don't you?"
The man says, "well I do drink a little."
"Well tuesday is drinking day here in hell, we have every type of alcoholic beverage ever created. On tuesdays you can drink whatever you want in any quantity", satan tells him.
"That seems OK", MAL says.
"Have you ever done drugs" Satan asks?
"Well, maybe a little recreational drug use", MAL says.
"Well wednesday is drug day here in hell. On wednesday you can take any kind of drug, in any way that you want, in any quantity", satan says.
"This seems pretty good", MAL says!
"You're gay right", satan asks?
"Well no", MAL says!!
"OOOH, YOU'RE GONNA HATE THURSDAYS THEN!!!!!!" satan says.

[magpie in the 80's]

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, SCD, who was a big, burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said... "Here put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said SCD" and don't you forget it! I am the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on." SCD tried them on and found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. SCD said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

His wife said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your ATTITUDE CHANGES!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was in such a hurry to get to his engagement as the guest dinner speaker that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

MAL tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

MAL tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

MAL said, "They fit perfectly."

With that MAL ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, MAL went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'M THE LOCAL UNDERTAKER!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning MAL and his wife are spending the day at the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at MAL'S WIFE in the wavy dress.

MAL, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. MAL suggests
she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then MAL suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", MAL says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then MAL grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "NOW TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

The morning following a bad storm, a new guy called BAYMAN washes up on the shore. BAYMAN and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

MAL, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." BAYMAN is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.

He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon MAL and his wife start placing
stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

BAYMAN yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again BAYMAN yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're
not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again BAYMAN yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and BAYMAN climbs down from the tower and MAL starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and BAYMAN are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, MAL turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES LOOK LIKE THEIR SCREWING!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL takes his wife to the stock show.

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: " This bull mated 50 times last year. " The wife turns to MAL and says, " He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him. "

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: " This bull mated 65 times last year. " The wife turns to MAL and
says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also. "

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: " This bull mated 365 times last year. " MAL'S wife's mouth drops open and
says, " WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one. "

MAL turns to his wife and says, " Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the SAME COW!!!!!!."