BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Baron Greenback]

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a sh*t."

[Baron Greenback]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank @#$% for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[Baron Greenback]

A bloke kicks open his bedroom door one night, and is holding a sheep under his arm.
His wife looks up quizzically from the bed where she was reading and he says
"I just want you to know that this is the pig I have to f*ck whenever you have a headache".
His wife says "Well for a start, I think you'll find that's a sheep"
and he says "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[nwdfanparade]

Found this cartoon when lookling for something else (isn't it always the way). Can't remember where it came from, I've had it for years. Hope you get a larf out of it.

cartoon joke.jpg (35.66 KiB) Viewed 1646 times

[Mythical Creature]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia
they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money .. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes

[Media Park]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia
they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money .. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes

Very good MC

[Gingernuts]

Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[mal]

Edited

[mal]

THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AWARDS
Re-reading all the gags since my last ratings in May 2010
Will post them intermittently over the next few days
My ratings are jokes with a 7-0 + standard of humour
I might have a couple in the wrong month order, just too many to go back and check

JUNE 2010
MEDIA PARK
7-2 mothers day
7-5 lesbian watch

VALLEYS 07
7-8 iron this

DROP BEAR
8-2 new PM picture [very similar !]

THE ASH MAN
7-3 nude email

VINNEY
8-3 sheep [intellectually brilliant joke]

CHOCCIES
7-6 the goat

[mal]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in New South Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That ' s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You ' re a senator in Kevin Rudd ' s Labour Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That ' s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don ' t know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.


"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit…….wisdom is not trying to put it in a fruit salad!"

JUNE 2010 JOKE of the Month

[redandblack]

I wondered why all these jokes use American terms.

"A cowboy named Bud'

In Australia

Old joke from America

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the guy select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Cowboy Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

[mal]

THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AWARDS
JULY 2010

MEDIA PARK
9-0 sunburnt [deadset one of the best ever]

CHOCCIES
7.6 library

STRAWB
8.4 bobs funeral

DROP BEAR
7.0 shark

[mal]

Why does Lleyton Hewitt wear his tennis cap backwards ?

So Tyson Edwards wont get sunburnt ....

JULY 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD

[mal]

TTOTM AWARD AUGUST 2010

MYTHICAL CREATURE
8.3 iron [imPRESSive]
7-6 collingwood

WHITE LINE FEVER
7.3 nathan nathan

ON SONG
7-9 dead ringer
8.3 goldfish [a hillariously dumb stoooopid one]
7.4 india v pakistan

MR BEEFY
7.2 haircuts

[mal]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers . I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......

AUGUST 2010 JOKE OF THE MONTH
equal first place

[mal]

It's Friday!

A bloke goes into his local vet carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
"Uhhh, doc, I reckon my goldfish has epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look at the fish in the bowl.
"He looks like a normal fish to me," the vet says.
The bloke replies, "yeah, wait on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet."

_______________________________________________________

I was playing Cluedo with the kids the other night.
Turns out the killer was me, in the kids room, with the Cluedo board.

AUGUST 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD
equal first place

[Sorry Dude]

Julia Gillard was out jogging one morning along the path in Western Park when she tripped,

fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Molongo River below.

Before the Federal Police guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.

She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I want to go to Disney World & Julia said,

'No problem, I'll take you there on in my Royal Australia Air Force plane.

The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Julia said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.

Julia was a little perplexed by this and said, but you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

[redandblack]

[Media Park]

So two blokes were chatting about sex, and one asked "how old is old enough?"

The other replied "Well once they've left school it should be okay..."

Standing in the court room a few weeks later, the first guy said "Apparently my mate didn't mean 3:30."

[locky801]

Football Boots
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!