BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[whufc]

May have already been said.

Why cant you swim between the flags at Saint Kilda?

Because they only have one!

[CENTURION]

What DID Darren Mullane & Collingwood have in common?
They couldn't get past the semis!

[locky801]

I was at the post office, when I see a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, "What are you doing?"
The blond replied,"Sending a voice mail"

[Drop Bear]

New sport...

[locky801]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the
race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on
'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c**t was scratched!'

[trev]

Why do Collingwood supporters put club bumper stickers on their car?


So they can park in disabled zones.

[BIG SEXY]

What DID Darren Mullane & Collingwood have in common?
They couldn't get past the semis!

apparently he was on the radio.....and the dash and the windscreen and the steering wheel

[sapaul]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation . ... .

They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them

as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed

for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,

shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'

and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

[Media Park]

A blonde walks into a store and finds the item she wants so she asks the cashier " how much is this tv?" the cashier replies " Sorry Miss we dont sell to blondes." upset the blonde returns home and decides to change clothes and put on glasses so the cashier wont recognize her. She returns to the store and asks the cashier " How much i...s this tv?" he replies " Ma'am I already told you we dont sell to blondes!" angry the blonde returns home again and says to herself " ill give myself a complete makeover so the cashier will never know its me!" so the blondie colors her hair brown puts on a spray tan and makeup and puts on a dress. Once more she returns to the store and asks the cashier " how much is this tv??" the cashier replies " LADY I ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE THAT WE DO NOT SELL TO BLONDES!!!!" furious the blonde asks " HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A BLONDE!?!?!" the cashier replies " because thats a MICROWAVE!!!"

[mal]

2 blondes working for the council doing planting work
one would dig a hole, the other followed and filled in the hole
They both did this down a suburban street
A street resident observed this repetition from his house for a few hours

He approached the 2 blondes mid arvo and inquisatively asked

"" Girls Ive watched your progress today, one digs a hole the other fills it up, now call me stupid but what the f..k is going on ? ""

"" Whaddaya talkin about "' retorted one of the blondes

"" As I said , one of you digs a hole , the other fills it in , youve done this several times in the last few hours, Ill be f...d if I know whats goin' on, are you ladies stupid or what ?""

The other blonde sternly replies

"" We aint stupid, It aint our fault, its the other blonde that works with us, she plants the trees, but sheez havin' a sickie today ....""

[am Bays]

This may have appeared in the previous 153 pages, but anywho

Q What do you call an anorexic prostitute?

A Lite 'n' Easy

[Media Park]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

[nwdfanparade]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally Cracked and said,' If anyone calls methat again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'  He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, untilBlue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???


Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

[valleys07]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied "They had eggs."

[Media Park]

Nothing wrong with that Valleys!!!

[Mr Beefy]

Michael and Gary got married in California.


They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.


In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '



After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'


He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my airplane glue.'

[White Line Fever]

Today in Dallas in National LeBron James Day.
Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.


LeBron James in transferring to the NHL.
Apparently only having 3 periods suits him better.

[locky801]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[OnSong]

Great work Lock and Mr Beefy. Haha!

[locky801]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!