BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

A newly married couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" SCD asked. "Sh!" said his wife "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, SCD asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied his wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged SCD and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said SCD. "IT WAS ONLY A SMALL LOAD SO I DID IT BY HAND!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.

while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.

"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. All right That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just
don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"
asks dad. The boy replied, "NAH, MY ASS IS STILL SORE!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.

MAL starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. BAYMAN is in the air with him, but BAYMAN is going *up*!

Just as BAYMAN passes by, MAL -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, BAYMAN do you know anything about skydiving?"

BAYMAN yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!!!'

[magpie in the 80's]

After a long night of making love, MAL rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

MAL opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, MAL began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" MAL inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" MAL asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded a bewildered MAL.

Calmly, the girl replied, "THAT'S ME BEFORE THE OPERATION!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A young couple go for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'M HAVING A SHIT INSTEAD!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, MAL in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?"

"How did you know?" asks MAL, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks MAL. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks MAL, losing patience.

The dentist says "THERE'S A BIT OF SHIT ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S walking down the boardwalk in ADELAIDE and he runs into a hooker.

MAL says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." MAL says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, MAL runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, MAL hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five for?"

MAL says, "THAT'S FOR BLOWING THE SAND OFF MY BALLS!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.

He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there."

She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."

The waiter delivers the message, and MAL says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...SO WHY THE F....K WOULD I CUT OFF 4 INCHES!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. HE WANTED TO THANKYOU FOR HIS NEW EARS!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time.

She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and MT79 starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up.

"Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "NO... BUT THE LAST GUY WAS!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and this blonde were in bed getting busy when the girl places the MAL'S hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks MAL. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". MAL'S like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So MAL puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says MAL,

The girl looks at MAL and says "SEE, I TOLD YOU I HAD A TIGHT PUSSY!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

This beautiful woman one day walks into doctor MAL'S office and doctor MAL is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

MAL tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks doctor MAL?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

MAL tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. Then doctor MAL begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, MAL tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. MAL says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - THAT'S WHY I'M HERE!!!!!"

[Strawb]

Fart Footy

A poof walks into a bar and spies the local drunk with that he walks up to the drunk and says "do you wanna play a game?"
The Drunk replies "F**K OFF!"
The poof goes "AWWW come on i will buy you a few more drinks."
With these words the drunks eyes sparkle and he says "Alright we will play when a say so"

So after Six rounds of the poof buying the drinks the drunks say "Whats the game?"
To which the poof replies "Fart Footy. I will explain the rules, it is a simple game in which you fart. The longer and louder the fart the further the kick. I will go first."
The poof drops his pants and lets a fart go about 5 seconds worth and says "Forty meters."
The drunk stands up falls down stands up again and drops his pants and lets an absolute ripper go. The fart went for 20 seconds left a black scorch mark on the carpet cleared the bar of everyone. Wallets, beers, and change all were left on the bar whilst everyone bolted. The drunk staggers out and says "that was the length of the M.C.G and over The Great Southern Stand.

Half an hour later everyone is back in the pub and the poof drops his pants and lets a little fart go this time and says "ooh that was a chip kick."
Then the Drunk proudly stands up drops the pants and bends over and as he is about to fart, the poof starts giving it to him up his backside.
With this the drunk screams "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING."
To which the Poof replies" I'm just smothering the kick."

[mal]

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[our_longreach]

THERE WERE THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED...
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

[scoob]

Text i got yesterday

Who is the only 115KG person to ride a melbourne cup winner.............chris munces cellmate!

[devilsadvocate]

Daniel Kerr, Ben Cousins and Michael Gardiner are travelling in a car.

Who's driving?




THE COPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bayman]

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Just an email going around

it was in the sunday mail as well