BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[The reigning Ben.C]

My wife asked me where i'd like to be buried the other day, apparently balls deep in her sisters ass wasn't the right answer!

[unknown source]

My wife asked me where i'd like to be buried the other day, apparently balls deep in her sisters ass wasn't the right answer!

[Media Park]

My wife asked me where i'd like to be buried the other day, apparently balls deep in her sisters ass wasn't the right answer!

[The Dark Knight]

My wife asked me where i'd like to be buried the other day, apparently balls deep in her sisters ass wasn't the right answer!

Gold Benny C!!

[Dogwatcher]

A 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You root her again.'

[Dogwatcher]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.





She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"


He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,


I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."


She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."


She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.


As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.


At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.


The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."


The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"


"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[Media Park]

A 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You root her again.'

[Mr Beefy]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

[Scouser]

Breaking News: Josef Fritzl has been put on a plane to Chile, due to his invaluable experience in keeping minors alive underground.

[OnSong]

Sports news: India has beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai next Wednesday.

[Mythical Creature]

3 football fans - a Carlton fan, an Essendon fan and a Collingwood fan were
all walking home after watching a game at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide
to phone the police.

The Carlton fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the
floor in such a manner, and took off his Carlton cap and placed it over
the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Essendon fan, removed his
cap and placed it over the woman's right breast.
Similarly, the Collingwood fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and
placed it over her groin area.

Now, when the police arrived, the 3 football fans had to stick around
for questioning by the police.

They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the
cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the cap from
the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some
notes.
Then the officer picked up the cap from the left breast again, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up
the other cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third
time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of
the Collingwood fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"Why don’t you lift up my cap?" asked the obviously annoyed Collingwood fan.

The officer replied "I don’t need to look. It's simple, There’s always a c#nt under a Collingwood cap!"

[am Bays]

They've started....

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS FARMER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE
.......


While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had
been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime
minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post
Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up
there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure isn't
goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put her up there in
the first place."

[Mythical Creature]

While in Thailand , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in Alaska, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'


The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Media Park]

While in Thailand , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in Alaska, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'


The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

an oldie, but definitely a goodie!

[Mr66]

The officer replied "I don’t need to look. It's simple, There’s always a c#nt under a Collingwood cap!"

There are a million different gags but they always lead to this punchline.

[Iron Fist]

The red cross knocked on my door last night asking if i wanted to contribute to the pakistani Floods.
I said "I would love to but my hose only reaches to the edge of my lawn"

[The Dark Knight]

Did you hear about the Pakistani Airline disaster?

180 people died. Both families were devastated.

[Choccies]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[Drop Bear]

Aboriginal Wedding

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".

"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young girl asks.

"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put His most prized possession where you pee"

The daughter replies "Why the f*ck would he want to put his thongs in the sink?"

[steiger]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

LOVE IT