BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[SCD]

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''Bayman loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''MAL was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''Magpie in the 80's was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''



What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass!

[SCD]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[mal]

Best friends Bayman and SCD went fishing one day, they both reeled in a big fish
on both thier hooks.
They argued who caught it, and pushed and shoved each other on the boat.
After about a minute of scuffling Bayman made a truce.
BAYMAN :" SCD lets have a contest to see who wins the fish.''
SCD: " OK Bayman what did you have in mind?"
BAYMAN: I'll f..k you up the arse and then you f..k me up the arse and whoever
makes the least amount of noise can have the fish."
SCD: "OK Bayman thats a bet."
BAYMAN : " I thought of the bet I will go first."
SCD drops his strides and Bayman goes for it, hammering away for an hour, SCD
despite the discomfort gritted his teeth, squinted his eyes and made no noise.
SCD as he does up his strides very proudly says:
SCD: " OK Bayman my turn."
BAYMAN : " Nah mate you keep the fish !!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL i rate this around 7.5

[mal]

RATINGS TIME
----------------
ANOTHER FUNNY BATCH LADS well done.

OUR LONGREACH
c'nt ages 8-2 clever

PAFC
all puns 7-5...the bra one was the best

BAYMAN
trolley 7-2

MAGPIE IN THE 80S
alz/aids 7-8
nuns 7-4
milk machine 7-6
chemist 7-3
93 year old 8-3 classic
zachery disease 8-9 absolute gem loved it...your finest from memory

TRACTOR
jocks 8-2 brilliant
nuns cross 7-7

STRAWB 07
tickle elmo 7-4

SCD [our latest comedienne]
school 7-3
pickle slicer 7-5
silver 8-0 like it
hanson road 7-4
condoms 7-3
ashes 8-5 sensational
hobo/homo 7-5
horse 7-7

keep up the good work
15539 views

[mal]

What do Collingwood & Beaconsfield have in common?
They both killed Carlton last weekend!

This was my favourite a 9-1 rating

[magpie in the 80's]

one day after striking gold in them ya hills an old miner waltzed into the saloon and said " i want the meanest roughest and toughest whore you got to the barman". "we got her" replied the barman. " she's upstairs 2nd door on your right. the miner gave the barman a gold nugget to pay for the whore and 2 beers. he then grabbed the 2 beers and marched up the stairs, crashed through the door and asked "are you the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in town. "yes thats me" she said. so she stripped naked , bent over and grabbed her ankles. "how did you know i wanted to do it in that position" asked the miner. i don't said the whore i just thought you might want to open those beers before we get started.

M80'S what did the human race ever do to deserve you?
That whore joke was absolutely funny

RATING 9-0 a genuine ridgy didge classic
ed

ed zachery is 2nd best MAL

[mal]

2 blonde council workers were doing reperations in a street.
One would dig a hole, then the other would fill it up
This happened all the way down the street, one digs a hole, then the other fills it up.
A man watched all of this and approached the 2 blondes
MAN : " Girls Im impressed with the effort but why does one dig and the other refill the holes?"
The Blonde hole digger replies:
" I suppose it looks odd but what you need to know is that we are norMALly a 3 person team,
but the girl who plants the tree had a sickie."

[magpie in the 80's]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

A very nice Squawky clean joke
Face value RATING a very good 8-1
If we substitute the men for blondes in the joke would = 8-4[do you agree SQ ]

so i suppose i give you 8-4 MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call...

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the professor was giving a lecture on "involuntary muscular contractions." to his 1st year medical students.

realising that this was not the most riverting subject, MAL the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

MAL pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "do you know what your asshole is doing while your having an orgasm?"

she replied "HE'S PROBABLY GOLFING WITH HIS MATES!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast, USA, and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto Highway 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
CHAUFFEUR."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge bloke standing next to him. The big bloke looks down upon MAL and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

MAL faints. The big bloke picks up MAL and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks MAL

"What's wrong with you?"

MAL says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big bloke looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

MAL says, "THANK GOD!!!!I THOUGHT YOU SAID TURNER AROUND!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL complained to BAYMAN "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." BAYMAN offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

MAL figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, MAL began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs, Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN broke into a bank in a small town.

"All right" said MAL "Line up!!!! We're gonna rob all the men and rape all the women!!!"

"Wait a second", snapped BAYMAN, "Let's just grab the dough and beat it!!!"

"Shut up and mind your own business", said a spinster from behind the counter.

"MAL KNOWS WHAT HE"S DOING !!!" !!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.
Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say "HI there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies...
she replies "well...that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says "HI THERE LADIES!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was travelling by plane and was in urgent need of a restroom.

Each time he tried the restroom, it was occupied. A kind stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he try the ladies room, but cautioned him against pushing any of the buttons.

Making the fatal mistake that so many men make in disregarding what a woman says, MAL let curiosity get the best of him. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW, and Warm Water sprayed him on his bottom. MAL thought "The girls really have it made"...still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and Warm Air dried his bottom. MAL thought "That's out of this world" and then pressed the button marked PP. A large Powder Puff powdered his bottom lightly. Naturally, he couldn't
resist pushing the last button which was marked ATR...

When MAL awoke in the hospital he panicked. "What happened? Where am I?" he cried, "The last thing I remember was being in the ladies room aboard a plane. "Yes," said the lovely nurse, "you were having a great time until you pressed the button marked ATR - which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. YOUR PENIS IS UNDER YOUR PILLOW!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife was becoming frustrated with his insistence that they have sex in the dark.

Hoping to free MAL from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!!?" asks MAL'S wife

"Honey, let me explain!" said MAL

"Why you sneaky bastard!!!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a --"

"Speaking of sneaky!!!" MAL interrupted, "MAYBE YOU'D CARE TO EXPLAIN OUR 3 KIDS!!!"

[SCD]

One morning MAL took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
Bayman, he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
Bayman replied: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow and it's sure not working'."

[BenchedEagle]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of
sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"