BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

LUNCHCUTTER
-----------------

thankyou for your kind words. as i got to know MAL over the net i decided to substitute the main character in the jokes as him, since it is his thread. down the track you get to know his mates especially from the gambling forum. so i have started to work them into the jokes as well. sometimes they will put me in their jokes which i think is quite funny. overall its just a bit of harmless fun. and MAL knows if he doesn't rate them i don't send them

[mal]

Lunchcutter that Magpie man has the best and largest range of jokes
I know I kick started the thread but he has been the heart and ar soul of this thread.

14530 POSTS thanks magpie and others for the ratings.


_________________________________________________________________________

What does sperm and an Ashley Giles off break have in common?
Only one in a million works

Wheres the rating M80 ?

[Punk Rooster]

Lunchcutter that Magpie man has the best and largest range of jokes
I know I kick started the thread but he has been the heart and ar soul of this thread.

14530 POSTS thanks magpie and others for the ratings.


_________________________________________________________________________

What does sperm and an Ashley Giles off break have in common?
Only one in a million works

Wheres the rating M80 ?

4-1

[RustyCage]

ALL PUNS INTENDED
I'm sorry......but they made me laugh .........



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The
bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for
the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it
sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they
moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt,
and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh,
man, this is so bad, it's good) ....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent
twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope
that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[bayman]

what is the difference between a blonde & a shopping trolley ?














the shopping trolley has a mind of its own !!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL takes his wife to the doctors.

the doc says "after running all the tests i've come to the conclusion your wife has either alzheimers disease or aids.

"what do you mean?" asks MAL "can't you tell the difference?"

"well the 2 look alike in their early stages." says the doctor.

"tell you what....drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way home DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

3 nuns died in a car accident and ended up at the pearly gates.

st. peter greeted them and told them that they each had to answer a question correctly to enter the kingdom of heaven.

this made the nuns very nervous. they have never heard of this requirement before. the 1st nun stepped up for her question.

"who was the first man on earth?" asks st. peter.

the nun breathed a huge sigh of relief and said " why that would be adam!!!"

(AND THE LIGHTS FLASHED AND THE BELLS TOLD AND THE PEARLY GATES OPENED)

this was a cause of great relief to the other nuns. the 2nd nun stepped forward without hesitation.

"who was the first woman on earth?" asks st.peter.

with another huge relief from the 2nd nun she replies "that would be eve!!"

(AND THE LIGHTS FLASHED AND THE BELLS TOLD AND THE PEARLY GATES OPENED)

the 3rd nun was brimming with excitement and says "i'm ready st. peter.

"alright what was the 1st thing eve said to adam?" asks st. peter

the nun was shocked "my goodness that's a hard one ?"

(AND THE LIGHTS FLASHED AND THE BELLS TOLD AND THE PEARLY GATES OPENED)

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL being the farmer he is bought a very expensive milking machine. he decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

MAL soon realises that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. but when the fun is over, MAL cannot remove the instrument from his old fella. anxiously he reads the manual but doesn't find any answers.

MAL tries everything to no avail and things are starting to get sore. MAL decides to call the customer hotline because NOW the pain is getting worse. "hello." MAL says " i've just bought one of your milking machines. it works fantastic, but how do i remove it from the cows udder?"

"don't worry sir." replies the customer service person. "the machine will release automatically once it has collect 2 LITRES!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks into a chemist and wanders up and down the aisles. the sales girl notices him and asks MAL if he needs any help.

MAL answers "i'm looking for a box of tampons for my wife!!" the sales girl points MAL to the aisle where they are kept.

a few minutes later, MAL deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a large ball of string onto the counter. the sales girl who now is confused asks MAL "sir i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

MAL answers "you see, it's like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of smokes, she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it's soooo-ooo much cheaper."

"so, i figure if i have to roll my own SO CAN SHE!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

ageing MILDRED was a 93 year old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her husband, EARL. she decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

thinking it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out old EARL'S army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

the doctor replied "your heart would be just below your left breast"

later that night MILDRED was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound.........TO HER LEFT KNEE!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

a woman was very distraught over the fact she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. she was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise of the well known chinese sex therapist, dr. chang.

upon entering the examination room, dr. chang said "O.K. take off all your crose." the woman did as she was told.
"now get down and craw reery reery fast to udder side of room." again the woman did as she was instructed.
dr.chang then said "O.K. now craw reery reery fast back to me."

as she did dr. chang shook his head slowly. "your problem vewy, vewy bad. you haf ed zachary disease, worst case i ever saw. dat is why you not haf sex or dates!!"

the woman asked anxiously, " oh my god, dr. chang, what is ed zachary disease?"

dr. chang sighed deeply and replied, "ed zachary disease is when your face look ED ZACHARY LIKE YOUR ASS!!!! :lol

[mal]

M80s

you are on fire.

[the tractor]

Mal goes to the doctor for a check up and his wife goes along for support.
At the conclusion of the check up Mal walks out before his wife and the doctor calls out
"Oh Mrs. Mal, I also will need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample from Mal for testing."
When she catches up to Mal he asks "what did the doc say?"
Mals wife replies "Oh, he just needs a pair of your jocks!"

[the tractor]

Two nuns were driving through the outback when the devil appears on their car bonnet.
The nun driving slams on the brakes but the devil is still sitting on the bonnet sneering at the nuns.
One of the nuns turns to the other and says " quick get out and show him your cross."
So the other nun jumps out and shouts "OI, GET OFF THE F#*KING BONNET, YOU C*#T!!!!!!!"

[Strawb]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
the personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to
report to work promptly at 8.30 A.M.

The next day at 8.45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door.

The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about
this new employee.
He says shes incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to factory floor to show
him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee.She has a roll of
the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to
the woman, and says,"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[SCD]

Bayman was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually he slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on him while he was napping, "Tell me, Bayman, who created the universe?"
When Bayman didn't stir, little MAL, a boy seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Bayman and the teacher said, "Very good" and Bayman fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Bayman, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Bayman didn't even stir from his slumber.
Once again, MAL came to the rescue and stuck it up him again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Bayman and the teacher said, "Very good," and Bayman fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Bayman a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, MAL jabbed him with the pin.
This time Bayman jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

[SCD]

Magpie in the 80's who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered MIT80's.

[SCD]

Bayman went over to MAL's place for a little bit of action between the sheets.
MAL presented Bayman with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," Bayman said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[SCD]

Another Grub is an extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ''I'll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.''

He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ''Hanson Rd Whorehouse -- 5KM.'' He thinks to himself, ''I'll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.'' There is a sign for it every KM, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and MT79 comes to the door. The man says, ''Where can I get a whore?''

MT79 says, ''I'll need $500 first.'' The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again.
MT79 replies, ''We will need another $100.'' The man pays then asks for his whore again.
MT79 says ''Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you'll see a door.''

Grub follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ''Congrats. You have just been screwed by the MT79 and the Hanson Rd Whorehouse.''

[SCD]

Dutchy goes into a chemist to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
Dutchy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Wedgie comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
Wedgie struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

TOMMO comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" TOMMO embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"