BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Vinney]

The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.





Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole BLOODY thing.

[Vinney]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single arsehole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's arse anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Vinney]

Ponder on these imponderables for a while:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that 1 enjoys it ?

[Vinney]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "

“Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you
to the promised land".

40 years ago, Whitlam said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Kevin 07 has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, Pink Bats, School fundings,my super funds,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security +++++ too many to mention.


SO I called Lifeline.

Got a f......n' call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

[Vinney]

This is the private diary of a Viagra wife...

Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked
himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw
a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that
will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think
this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra,hoping to lift something
other than his mood.

Day 5 What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's
doing that.

Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He
thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so
much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat
whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a
Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my
teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning
has become dangerous...

Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like
going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that
"Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I
even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more
horny.
Help me!

Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends
don't come
over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the
bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra
and going back on Prozac.

Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of
the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do
everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Vinney]

ALZHEIMER’S or PARKINSON’S

Which one would you rather have ?


PARKINSONS of course….better to spill half your drink than forget where the f*#k you put it !

[locky801]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies, "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the f*****g boat

[Vinney]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in New South Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That ' s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You ' re a senator in Kevin Rudd ' s Labour Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That ' s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don ' t know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.


"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit…….wisdom is not trying to put it in a fruit salad!"

[White Line Fever]

GOLD GOLD GOLD

[Media Park]

Man proposes to girlfriend but tells her he has a deformity;

"My penis is baby-sized."

His girlfriend tells him: "I will marry you and learn to live with your baby-sized penis."

They marry, and on the honeymoon they start touching each other.

She slides her hand down his pants, screams, and runs.

"You told me your penis was baby-sized!"

"It is. It's 8lb, 7oz, and 18 inches long."

[White Line Fever]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

[Drop Bear]

I have decided not to tell jokes about the sad passing of Adriana Xenides as I think it would be

_n_ppr_pr_ _te

[HH3]

saying "Im not racist, but..." is like saying "Im not a rapist, but GET IN THE F@!#ING VAN!!!"

[Vinney]

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes.
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.




Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.

[Choccies]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Ghost ?? I thought you said Goat."

[Bum Crack]

Adriana's last request to the doctor was "Can I buy a Bowel please?"

[Media Park]

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes.
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.




Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.

[mal]

Nelson Mandella was at home when the doorbell rang, he answered and to his amazement he sees 5 new cars in his front yard and a Chinaman on his doorstep
"" Sir you sign, you sign here plis for cars""
"" This must be a mistake, get the cars out of here and goodbye."
Mandella shuts the door, but there is another ring shortly after
"" Sir you must sign, you must sign plis."
"" Listen I didnt order those cars , now get rid of them and leave me alone.""
Mandella slams the door on him, a few minutes later there is another ring at the door
"" Plis sir , I check address, must be you, you sign you sign."
"" Go away you have the wrong address and dont be back or I will ring the police.""
A few minutes transpire and another ring at the door
"" Sir you must sign you must sign.""
Mandella picks up the Chinaman , pushes him away, and asks if its a practical joke or not
The Chinaman confused looks at his clipboard and responds
"" You not Nissan Main Dealer ?""

[Drop Bear]

The Stomach Party

http://www.youtube.com/user/folden

Definately worth watching.

[White Line Fever]

The Stomach Party

http://www.youtube.com/user/folden

Definately worth watching.

That could possibly be the best stand up i have ever seen.
Comedy gold!