Nurses (desk calendar) Jokes, Antidotes, etc (no pics)

[MightyEagles]

A diabetic was trained to administer insulin using an orange. When a nurse later discussed meds with the patient, the patient stated he was tired of oranges and wanted to know what other food he could inject and eat.

[MightyEagles]

An elderly woman who was supposed to be "do not resuscitate" underwent successful resuscitation. During her hospital recovery, her nurse asked, "May I get you anything?" To which she replied, "I'm supposed to be walking with Jesus right now, but since I'm still here, you could get me some barbecued chicken."

[MightyEagles]

There are forty-five miles of nerves in the human body-and some patients get on every singles one of them.

[MightyEagles]

Patient:- I'm a musician, but I can only play music in 3/4 time. What's wrong with me?
Nurse:- You have waltz timer's disease.

[MightyEagles]

Nursing is rarely boring or predictable. In few other professions are we present at life's most momentous events form birth to death, from crisis to recovery. For those who thrive on variety and the full spectrum of the human drama, every day brings a range of new situations.

[MightyEagles]

Nursing in 1903

There can be no doubt that in nearly all our hospitals [nurses] are disgracefully overworked. The universal custom is to have only two "shifts" in the twenty-four hours, so that each nurse is only on duty for about twelve hours at a time. As a matter of fact, the nurse rarely goes off duty the moment she is relieved, as she has to make up her report and hand over her instructions for the care of the patients to her successor, so that it not uncommonly happens that her twelve hours are extended to thirteen. The twelve hours system, as need hardly be said, is a cruel strain on the strength and nerve of a woman.

[MightyEagles]

Give me a sign.

Fairlawn Drug Rehab Clinic:- Keep off the grass.

Psychiatric Chiropractor:- Specializing in attitude adjustments.

[MightyEagles]

- Today, class, let's open our convicted criminals to rib two.

- It may seem pointless superstition to you youngsters, But I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery thirty-seven years ago.

[MightyEagles]

Novels for Nurses

My name is Mary Sutter.

Set in the Civil War, a young midwife leaves home in tis novel to seek out the medical experience she wants in order to help her become a doctor. Readers will find that she gets what she wished for, with vivid descriptions of medical treatments common at the time that woulod seenm like torture or mutilation today, showing just how far we've come with medical advancements.

[MightyEagles]

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

[Johno6]

[woodublieve12]

Better???

[Johno6]

*Suddenly becomes the most viewed thread on this site*

[MightyEagles]

Patient:- I've decided to try natural medicine.
Nurse:- Well, I'm rooting for you.

[MightyEagles]

Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shells.

[MightyEagles]

Excerpt from a letter I dictated to a referring physician about a patient with polycythemia vera:

As dictated:-
"The patient would benefit from Periodic phlebotomies."
As transcribed:
"The patient would benefit from periodic lobotomies.

[MightyEagles]

The door that nobody else will go in at, seems always to swing open widely for me.

[MightyEagles]

SWI:- something wrong inside
DPS:- dumb parent syndrome
ECU:- eternal care unit (heaven)

[MightyEagles]

Lines to pick up nurses.

-Is your name Flecainide? Because I think you just made my heart skip a beat.

-Come into my office and take off you pants

[MightyEagles]

If you leave your fireworks outside and they get rained on, do not try to dry them out in the microwave. But if you do, once the microwave cathes on fire, do not try to pick it up and run outside with it.

Never allow your brother to jump off the bed onto you.

Clorox bleach is for clothes. You use different bleach for hair.