Lightning McQueen wrote:Remember the old style public toilet paper with the shiny squares? It used to smear everything not wipe it off.
Yep, I remember that stuff. I think it was scientifically designed to repel rather than absorb.
The key to using it was scrunching; by creating as many ridges in the shiny sheet as possible, one was able to scrape as it were. Folding would just spread the poo everywhere as it was shiny enough to transport water across the Simpson Desert if you taped it together into a bag. It was so useless at removing poo, that given a choice of a green, plastic garbage bag, or the shiny squares favoured by '80s South Australian councils, I invariably chose the green, plastic garbage bag. This was after I tested the two products. First I used the shiny square sheet for a wipe, then examined it for traces of poo. Visibly the sheet was as clean as the day it emerged from the factory. A smell test revealed nothing except the scent of whatever shiny material it was composed of, even my dog failed to show any interest in it. I also conducted a before and after weigh in for the shiny sheet, and discovered that its weight failed to increase even a nano-gram after a folded wipe of even the stickiest poo I could physically produce, indicating that even on a molecular level it had failed to absorb the most random atom of excrement. It was literally clean enough to eat a hot caramel sundae from Mc Donalds off of, after I had dragged it from one end of my stinking, soiled crack to the other.
The green, plastic garbage bag was super absorbent by comparison. A cursory swipe produced visible evidence of contamination with excrement. The smell test was successful at a range of ten meters, and my dog? Well the little fella was drawn to it like an American to Hamburgers. The weigh in showed a clear increase of about 10 grams per wipe, from memory.
Clearly the green, plastic garbage bag, was a superior product for the removal of winnits from the human bum to the shiny, council squares of the 1980's.
How the hell the guy that invented that product actually won the contract is beyond me. Unless the councils of the day were actively trying to prevent people from using their toilets, or they had a problem with people stealing toilet paper? I am just glad that chapter of South Australian history is now behind us, and I no longer have to carry a hanky or use my sleeve or the back of my t-shirt when stranded with nothing but what's provided in the common council crapper.
I'm gonna sit back, crack the top off a Pale Ale, and watch the Double Blues prevail
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