The infallible Crystal Ball thread

[Rik E Boy]

My 2009 Predictions

Adelaide: Will go gangbusters in February and March but will lose the showdown to Port and fall into a black hole. They’ll come out of it in August in time to tell us all what happened to Lord Lucan, Harold Holt and those kids from Narnia just in time to win enough games to just miss the eight.

Brisbane: Michael Voss’ recruitment drive nets the club Nick Davis and Ben Cousins but the club’s controversial acquisition Chopper Read leads the entire squad on a massive bender and 16 players are suspended for ten weeks. The Lions finish 12th and Voss calls Terry Wallace for advice. Terry recommends a local solarium.

Carlton: After warning everyone that they are coming nobody is surprised and they end up winning less matches in 2009 than they did in 2008. Judd wins the Brownlow, All Australian Captain, a Knighthood and an Order of Australia Medal as he averages 35 possessions in each one of this nine appearances for the navy blues.

Collingwood: Collingwood, on the back of yet another piss easy draw again have the biggest crowd with the lowest IQ. Shaw and Didak again get on the piss because it’s now safe to do so cos Scott Burns has left the club. They get on the turps with Tyson Goldsack and Marty Clarke and let the youngsters take the rap. They miss out on the top four because they lost to Richmond and Melbourne and lose the prelim by 1 point to Geelong and spend all summer telling everyone how they were the ‘real’ premiers.

Essendon: By June, 13 players are unavailable after enduring season ending knee injuries after tripping over Matty Knights’ excuses book. The honeymoon is over but they can’t get divorced because on our family we tough it out.

Fremantle: The Dockers season highlight is the preseason cup victory and being once again rated as a top four prospect. Giant ruckman Aaron Sandilands wins 900 hitouts for the year but only 2 go to Fremantle midfielders. They fall into the eight and lose their home final by ten goals, heralding a successful season for the club.

Geelong: The Cats are written off after copping a slow start to the season after a multitude of neck injuries caused by chins dragging on the ground as a result of the grand final choke. Tom Harley and Paul Chapman call a midseason 'hall of mirrors' meeting and they then go on a 2007 style rampage to win the 2009 flag, despite kicking 4.91 in the Grand Final.

Hawthorn: The Hawks go at half rat power all season long and have a rash of shoulder injuries for the year after spending too much time patting themselves on the back. When the losses start to mount Clarkson calls on Stewie Dew to once again return to the fold but alas, this year he has too many of them. The Hawks lose the Grand Final despite kicking 15.1.

Melbourne: Melbourne make a spectacle of themsevles after recording a score of 0.0 when the groundstaff refuse entry of the Melbourne team to take the field for the first match. Apparently they didn’t recognise anyone. Things slowly get better for the Demons though and by the end of the year they actually get to 10 goals. Another spoon goes into the pot but it is everyone else who does the stirring.

North Melbourne: The Roos rack up a record profit of 25 cents for the year after agreeing to wear their away colours for every match of the season. Despite winning more away matches than every other club in the comp, they still miss the finals. James Brayshaw applies to the AFL to have their one home game moved to Cape Town next season after drawing just 1900 fans to the fixture at Arden Street.

Port: Port are sensationally disqualified from the Premiership during Preliminary Final week after it is found that all of the players that went for surgery during last season are actually robots. The ruse was discovered when one of the technicians accidentally installed a personality in the Chad Cornes model.

Richmond: The Tigers win their first eleven matches for the season and lose their last eleven to once again finish ninth. The positive of the season is that Graham Polak is back on the rails but young Trent Cotchin’s season is over after round 11 after sustaining a back injury carrying the entire Richmond midfield. Terry Wallace takes the blame after his move of Nathan Foley to fullback doesn’t quite work out.

St Kilda: Robert Harvey, Nicky Winmar, Stewart Loewe, Nathan Burke and Danny Frawley all make sensational comebacks for the Saints. While the legspeed is down, the reports are up because Spud hasn’t realised that the rules have a changed a bit since his day. The AFL gives the Saints a senior citizen discount of 12 points on the premiership table but this only gets the Sainters in the bottom of the eight. Nick Dal Santo astonishes the football world by going in for a hard ball for the first time in his career.

Sydney: Attendances fall by 25 percent at Homebush stadium in 2009 because they brought in a new rule saying that dogs weren’t allowed. The AFL decides to run the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in the empty stands during the match against North Melbourne to rekindle interest in the game. This only partially works….the women say the game can’t be licked but the men reckon it’s a balls up.

Western Bulldogs: The Doggies miss the first four matches of the year because they were still in the gym when the season kicks off. When they finally take the field they find they’ve bulked up too much and that they can’t take overhead marks anymore because the players knuckles drag along the ground. Coach Eade turns to interior decorating after getting so stressed out that his head actually explodes in the coaching box.

West Coast Eagles: The Eagles once again struggle for personnel as a mass exodus occurs after players get bored with coach Worsfold’s ‘lights out at eight’ regime. The players that remain all have to get night lights in order to get to sleep and Peter Sumich has to rekindle his love affair with literature by reading ‘Hop on Pop’ to the more anxious players before sending them off to sleep with a glass of warm milk. The club inadvertently offend the umpiring community when they changed their horrible club song to ‘Three Blind Mice’.


Well, it can't be any worse than my predictions for this year!

regards,

REB

[silicone skyline]

My 2009 Predictions

Port: Port are sensationally disqualified from the Premiership during Preliminary Final week after it is found that all of the players that went for surgery during last season are actually robots. The ruse was discovered when one of the technicians accidentally installed a personality in the Chad Cornes model.

REB

Brilliant

[wycbloods]

Very well put together REB

[Media Park]

at least the cats are still slated to finish top!

[redden whites]

senational work

[Drop Bear]

I'd settle for that. Rodney Eade's head exploding would be worth watching.