The White Maggot- AFL News Satire

[Banker]

http://thewhitemaggot.com/

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Dreamteam Friday: Dreamteam coach assaulted by girlfriend for repeatedly checking scores

MAY 27, 2011

Andrew Smith, head-coach of Dreamteam-side Smithy’s Superstars, is today in a serious but stable condition after being rushed to Melbourne’s Epworth Hospital on Sunday following an alleged assault by his girlfriend Amy Burd.

Smith alleges he was struck several times by Burd with a large wooden rolling pin after repeatedly checking the scores of the Superstars’ round 9 match against Watto’s Warriors.
“I was well up against Watto going into the West Coast-Bulldogs match. But then I heard f*cking Shaun Higgins went down for the umpteenth f*cking time this year. So I got my iPhone out and started checking live scores” recalled Smith whilst nurses tried valiantly to stem his internal bleeding.
“I then realised that Watto, the lucky prick, had put Josh Kennedy as captain. Seriously… who the f*ck puts Kennedy as captain? Anyway, I was distracted and forgot about the steak I was cooking which lead to a contained, but not insignificant, fire breaking out. Amy wasn’t too happy and duly took to my skull with the old rolling pin.”
Unfortunately the incident is systematic of a growing trend amongst young Australian couples. Experts now believe that Dreamteam and Supercoach are second only to alcohol as the major cause of domestic violence in Australia.

[The Sleeping Giant]

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/06/01/ross-lyon-refuses-to-answer-own-questions-during-bizarre-press-conference/

Ross Lyon refuses to answer own questions during bizarre press conference
St Kilda coach Ross Lyon hosted one of the more bizarre press conferences in recent memory today, during which he refused to answer a number of questions, including those he posed himself.


Lyon, thinking hard about how best to respond to one of his own searching questions.
Lyon has previously used the technique of posing himself questions mid-response to confuse journalists and infuriate fans. In his post-match press-conference following the Saints round 10 victory over Fremantle, Lyon, in response to a journalist’s question regarding the Saints return to form, responded “Did we just beat Fremantle in Perth? Yes, yes we did. Did we catch a plane here? Yeah, we did, we flew Virgin. Does anyone have any idea why the f*ck I pose myself these inane questions? No, no you don’t.”

However, today’s press conference is believed to be the first time he has done so unprompted.

Before a packed media-room at the Saints’ Seaford headquarters, Lyon opened by asking himself whether he was excited about the upcoming Grand Final re-match against Collingwood to which replied “yes, of course we are, it’s always great to test yourself against the second best team in the competition.”

After asking himself a series of questions about Justin Koschitzke’s recent brain scare, the mood turned sour when Lyon sought to dodge questions he raised about Jason Gram’s signing with Greater Western Sydney. “That’s just such an unprofessional question to ask” Lyon raged. “I thought we were here to talk about a game of footy… not what some washed-up defender plans to do with the rest of his career.”

As St Kilda’s media manager attempted to put an end to the farce, Lyon continued “seriously… if I can’t ask myself relevant questions then I don’t understand why I bother with these press conferences at all.”

[valleys07]

Classics. Loved the dream team coaches stouch with Goddard

[redwhiteandblueblooded]

great site!!

[Banker]

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/12/14/ri ... ouse-party

Ricky Ponting Refuses To Leave Hobart House-Party

DECEMBER 14, 2011

Former Australian test captain Ricky Ponting is alleged to have overstayed his welcome at a Hobart house-party on Monday night following Australia’s dismal second test lost to New Zealand.

“Early on, Ricky was fantastic. He was the life of the party” said elderly Bellerive resident Michael Inveraity.
“But when the night started to quiet down, Ricky just wouldn’t leave.”
Inveraity said he and co-host Andrew Hilditch subtlety suggested Ponting leave on a number of occasions, but their requests fell on deaf ears.
“To be honest, it just got embarrassing. I mean, Matthew Hayden left before Ricky did.”
The White Maggot understands that in addition to his refusal to leave, paramedics were called to the residence to treat Ponting and a number of Australian batsman after they collapsed in quick succession.
Despite the ordeal, captain Michael Clarke reassured fans that the Australian cricket team would maintain its “unhealthy level of arrogance.”