SA Footy

A pregnant Jamaican Woman comes out of a coma and
looks down and sees her bump has gone.
"HELP HELP" she cries.
A Nurse enters and reassures her all is ok,
"You've had twins" said the Nurse, "A boy and a girl."
"I must name them" exclaims the Mother.
"It's ok" said the Nurse, "Your brother has named them."
"OMG" shrieks the Mother,
"My brother is an idiot-what has he called them?
"Well" said the Nurse, "He's named the girl 'Denise'.
"I'm surprised" said the Mother, "Thats a lovely name, whats he called the boy?"
"De-nephew." replies the Nurse.

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
The driver won £52!



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, OI tink it's beef"




Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."




Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...




Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
expression, 'I presumed'
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday, my mother hand washed
the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good", said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the
garage. I presumed that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.

Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says: "Yesterday, I
saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for
the bush. I presumed that"
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no
idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

"Johnny says, please teacher let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper
under his arm. I presumed he was going for a shit because he can't read."

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.'

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY (Absolutely love this one!)
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. ' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'



A day without laughter is a day wasted!

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.



Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"



A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.



As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"



'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

locky801 wrote:A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.



Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"



A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.



As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"



'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

You can take the rest of the day off after that one, locky...

THE HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR HOME:



It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led

by Francoise at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - "L​arry the Hypnotist".



​L​arry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every

one of you and all at the same time." he said.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as ​L​arry carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said

​L​arry.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch

--- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch“.



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were

twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch. They

were hypnotized.



Then, suddenly, the chain broke!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!



"SHIT!" said​ L​arry.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and L​arry was never invited again...

locky801 wrote:THE HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR HOME:



It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led

by Francoise at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - "L​arry the Hypnotist".



​L​arry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every

one of you and all at the same time." he said.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as ​L​arry carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said

​L​arry.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch

--- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch“.



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were

twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch. They

were hypnotized.



Then, suddenly, the chain broke!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!



"SHIT!" said​ L​arry.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and L​arry was never invited again...

That is magnificent!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

locky801 wrote:THE HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR HOME:



It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led

by Francoise at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - "L​arry the Hypnotist".



​L​arry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every

one of you and all at the same time." he said.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as ​L​arry carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said

​L​arry.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch

--- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch“.



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were

twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch. They

were hypnotized.



Then, suddenly, the chain broke!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!



"SHIT!" said​ L​arry.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and L​arry was never invited again...

That is magnificent!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

locky801 wrote:THE HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR HOME:



It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led

by Francoise at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - "L​arry the Hypnotist".



​L​arry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every

one of you and all at the same time." he said.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as ​L​arry carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said

​L​arry.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch

--- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch“.



The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were

twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch. They

were hypnotized.



Then, suddenly, the chain broke!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!



"SHIT!" said​ L​arry.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and L​arry was never invited again...

That is magnificent!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

what did you think of that last one NG?

Saw this on FB i got a giggle..

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom.

They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?", he says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"

the big bang wrote:what did you think of that last one NG?

Yeah well... i liked it... thrice...

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Two men drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week?"

"Oh Bugger!" says his friend, "... I just joined Rotary!"

A young man moved out from home, into a new apartment. All of his own, he went down to lobby

to put his name on his new mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment

next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started

up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear

someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaning against it,

allowing her robe to fall completely off. Nude, she purred at him... "What would you say is my best

feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt she exclaimed, "My ears!" "Look at these breasts! They are a full

38 inches and 100% natural! I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid! I have a 28 inch

waist! Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere! How can you think the best part of me are my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming . . . that

was me."

And then God created the orgasm, - so that women can moan even when they are happy...

Johnny got kicked out of math class again.

The Teacher asked him what comes after 69.

Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer!!

These two blonde carpenters are working on a house. The one who's nailing down the timber keeps reaching into his nail pouch for nails and every time he pulls one out he either throws it over his shoulder or nails it in.
The other worker is intrigued by this and eventually asks him, "Why do you keep throwing those nails away?"
The first worker replies, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, then I throw it away because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde is amazed at the other guy's stupidity and yells at him, "You idiot! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Shane Warne.

"Shane Warne!!!!" they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Shane Warne because he's just ........


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Just a COMMENTATOR!"

I FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.
My husband & I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.