BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

I saved my sister in laws life last week
She was choking to death , so I stepped back three inches

[Strawb]

I saved my sister in laws life last week
She was choking to death , so I stepped back three inches

7.3 I had to move it back three inches

[mal]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

This was more than remotely funny
8.2

[Strawb]

Kid comes home from school. He's in grade 4. Says dad dad won the rithmatic contest today. Got all the way up to 9. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. That's my boy, born and bred in Collingwood. Next day kid comes home and says, dad dad won the alfabet contest today, got all the way up to J for Joffa without a mistake. That's my boy, born and bred in Collingwood. Next day he comes home and says dad, when we were getting changed before footy training today, I noticed all the other kids had little ones and I had a big one. Well son, you are 18.

[mal]

Kid comes home from school. He's in grade 4. Says dad dad won the rithmatic contest today. Got all the way up to 9. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. That's my boy, born and bred in Collingwood. Next day kid comes home and says, dad dad won the alfabet contest today, got all the way up to J for Joffa without a mistake. That's my boy, born and bred in Collingwood. Next day he comes home and says dad, when we were getting changed before footy training today, I noticed all the other kids had little ones and I had a big one. Well son, you are 18.

8.5

[Strawb]

A Collingwood supporter walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says - where did you get that? The seagull says - down the tip - there's thousands of them!

[The Dark Knight]

That's a good one.

[Strawb]

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition
supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting
Joffa’s son to ask him ‘dad, what’s a transvestite?’, to which Joffa
replied, ‘Go ask your mum, he’ll know’.

[mal]

A young woman was on top of the MCG roof
She was trying to get the nerve to jump off
Across and nearby was a Collingwood supporter and he said:
" If ya gunna kill yourself, if you dont mind , how bout a root. ?"
The woman replied :
"No way, get f...ked , f..k off."
The Collingwood supporter turns to move away and replies "
" No problems luv, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

[Strawb]

A man was driving home from work, when he picks up a Catholic priest who's car is broken down. He is driving along the road normally on the way to the mechanic, with the priest in the back seat.
After he has been driving for a while, he sees a Collingwood fan. Forgetting the priest in his car, he swerves to scare him. He hears a thud, which he wonders about for a minute.
But then, he realizes he has the priest in his car. He says, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Pies fan!"
Then the priest says, "That's okay. I got him with the door."

[Strawb]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be following Collingwood again this year?"

[Mythical Creature]

How to Shower Like a Woman
>
>1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
>
>2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups!
>
>4. Step into shower.
>
>5. Lather up shampoo and massage into hair.
>
>6. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
>
>7. Rinse out shampoo and apply conditioner.
>
>8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger & jaffa cake body wash.
>
>9. Rinse conditioner out of hair.
>
>10. Shave armpits and legs.
>
>11. Turn off shower.
>
>12. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mr Muscle Shower Cleaner.
>
>13. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
>14. Check entire body for zits, tweeze nasal hairs and eyebrows.
>
>15. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>
>16. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>17. Get dressed and hang up towel.
>
>
>
>
>How To Shower Like a Man
>
>1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
>
>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making a 'woo-woo' sound.
>
>3. Look in the mirror, admire your willy and scratch your arse.
>
>4. Get in the shower.
>
>5. Wash your face
>
>6. Wash your armpits.
>
>7.. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>
>8.. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
>
>9. Spend majority of time washing tackle and surrounding area.
>
>10. Wash your arse, leaving the hairs stuck on the soap.
>
>11. Shampoo your hair.
>
>12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
>13. Pee.
>
>14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
>15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
>
>16. Admire willy size in mirror again.
>
>17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>
>18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
>19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[wristwatcher]

Very good Very accurate

[Mythical Creature]

I spilt some coffee at the 'woo woo' sound!

[Baron Greenback]

A young woman was on top of the MCG roof
She was trying to get the nerve to jump off
Across and nearby was a Collingwood supporter and he said:
" If ya gunna kill yourself, if you dont mind , how bout a root. ?"
The woman replied :
"No way, get f...ked , f..k off."
The Collingwood supporter turns to move away and replies "
" No problems luv, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

That's a cracker!

[tipper]

just bought the wife some crotchless knickers for halloween. nothing sexual, just gives her a better grip on her broomstick.

[mal]

I was at a party recently with my wife
Was in a group that consisted of the wifes friends
I coughed
It made me fart
It was foul, real dry reaching material , and it stunk
9 seconds later one of the wifes friends frowningly looked at me
"" Mal did you fart ?"
I was absolutely disgusted
" Off course I f...g farted , do you think I smell like this all the time."

[tipper]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. he walks over and asks Paul whats wrong

"well", replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection every time i saw her?"

"Yes" replies Jeff with a laugh

"well", says Paul, straightening up, "i finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed"

"Thats great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her earlier this evening", continues Paul" but i was worried id get an erection again, so i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did it wouldnt show"

"sensible" says Jeff

"So i get to her door" says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell, she answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw"

"and then what happened?" asked Jeff

Paul slumps back over the bar again "I kicked her in the face..."

[Strawb]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. he walks over and asks Paul whats wrong

"well", replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection every time i saw her?"

"Yes" replies Jeff with a laugh

"well", says Paul, straightening up, "i finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed"

"Thats great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her earlier this evening", continues Paul" but i was worried id get an erection again, so i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did it wouldnt show"

"sensible" says Jeff

"So i get to her door" says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell, she answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw"

"and then what happened?" asked Jeff

Paul slumps back over the bar again "I kicked her in the face..."

[Strawb]

What's the difference between a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and a dead collingwood supporter?

There are skidmarks infront of the rabbit.