BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Feb 28, 2024 5:27 pm

The wife came out of the bathroom and said - I have just shaved my pubics and you know what that means don't you?
I said - Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Pseudo » Fri Mar 01, 2024 1:45 pm

locky801 wrote:A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!


I tried that at work, but the response was "must be at least 8 characters, contain a number and a symbol".

So now my password is 8======o
Clowns OUT. Smears OUT. RESIST THE OCCUPATION.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 03, 2024 12:01 pm

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 03, 2024 4:38 pm

Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 10, 2024 4:00 pm

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example.
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she see her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 31, 2024 4:37 pm

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 31, 2024 6:34 pm

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So, he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said … "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.”
“Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful, again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my
b00bs.”
“I can splash it on my eyes."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Apr 07, 2024 6:12 pm

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym.
I was working on my MBA online.
I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.
"No, no... I was Paroled
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Apr 09, 2024 5:16 pm

A grasshopper comes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and says, " Did you know there's a cocktail named after you?" The grasshopper takes a sip of beer and says, "Really? So, there's a cocktail named Kevin?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Apr 16, 2024 6:10 pm

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Apr 22, 2024 7:29 pm

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 26, 2024 5:36 pm

A man and a woman who didn't know each other were on a train trip and got assigned to the same cabin for a night which contained two bunk bed. The man took the top one.
At about 1.00am he leaned his arm over and touched her arm waking her up. He said, "Would you mind grabbing another blanket, please. I am freezing up here."
She said, "Since we are in the same room for the night, why don't we pretend that we are married?"
He said, "Yeah. Good idea."
She said, "Get your own bloody blanket you lazy bastard."
He farted.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat May 04, 2024 5:37 pm

Electric cars the truth
I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about.
Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.
Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa....
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed May 08, 2024 6:48 pm

A young man was walking along one morning carrying a loaf of bread in one hand and his other hand in his pocket.
The local priest came along and greeted him:
"Good morning my son. I see you have the staff of life in your hand. Pray tell, what have you in the other?"
The young man replied: "A loaf of bread father."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue May 14, 2024 7:17 pm

Two blokes go duck hunting early one morning. It is very cold at the lake so one bloke gets stuck into the green ginger wine while his mate drinks hot coffee. Time goes by and the bloke on the wine is getting drunker and drunker. Suddenly a single duck flies over. The coffee drinking bloke aims his shotgun up and lets fly with both barrels...and misses. The drunken bloke swings his shotty up and fires...the duck drops down, mortally wounded.
The coffee drinking bloke is amazed.
"I can't believe it." He cries. "I'm sober as a judge and I miss completely. You're drunk as a lord and you take a duck out while hardly even aiming!"
The drunk nods his head sagely and slurs... "Yeah, well, It's hard to miss when there's a flock of 'em flying so close together."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu May 16, 2024 5:33 pm

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she
arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water
in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." :shock:
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Fri Jul 05, 2024 5:00 pm

Question
When 2 of each boarded Noah's Arc , did that include 2 termites ?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Jul 21, 2024 5:05 pm

Mother, father, and son were having dinner, and the son wouldn't eat his sprouts.
Mother said, "Son, eat your sprouts," but the son refused.
Father leaned over and whispered in the boy's ear.
The boy quickly ate his sprouts and went to his room.
The mother asked, "What did you say to him?"
Father replied, "I told him his willy wouldn't grow any bigger if he didn't eat them!"
The mother slapped the father around the head.
He asked, "What was that for?"
She replied, "For not eating your sprouts when you were a child."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Blacky » Mon Jul 22, 2024 2:53 pm

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.” Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave hera pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Aug 02, 2024 5:46 pm

IN LAUGHTER THE LETTER L COMES FIRST.
THE REST OF THE LETTERS COME AUGHTER.
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