BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw
them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his
feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed
sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat
the shite out of a ghost.'

[Footy Chick]

A bloke was walking down the street when he noticed walking the other way, a senile old man with a leash, with a broccoli attached to the end of it.

"Excuse me sir" the bloke said to the old man " Do you realise you have a broccoli on the end of your leash?"

The senile old man, with a puzzled look on his face replied

"That's funny, I thought it was a cauli"

[blackcat]

[mal]

Blonde went to a Garage sale
" Excuse me how much for your Garage?"

[(S)aintbackline]

One day Timmy brought his cat to school. The teacher asked Timmy why and he responded with teary eyes,

"This morning I heard my daddy said to my mommy that when the kids leave he was going to eat that pussy!"

[The reigning Ben.C]

Saturday morning i got up early, packed my lunch and went into the garage. Hooked the boat up to my 4wd and backed out into torrential rain and 100km winds.
So i drove back into the garage and went back into the house, underessed and got back into bed. I spooned my wife and whispered "the weather is terrible out there"! She replied, "i know, can you believe my stupid d#ckhead husband out fishing in that!".

[Drop Bear]

A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're arseholes!'

[Q.]

[Drop Bear]

A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[mal]

A couple Rex and wife arrived at a seaside resort
The resort owner manager Norman welcomed them to his establishment
Norman couldnt help but notice how cute and busty the wife was, yum.

The next 3 days Rex would be up at 5-00 in the morning, with his fishing gear and would not return until the evening.
On the fourth morning after Rex went fishing again , Norman went to thier room
Why was Rex fishing and leaving this delectable cutie to spend her days in the room ?
He pretended to be the cleaner and sneaked in and saw her in the shower, naked, her body was sensational, oh how Norman wanted to be slicing into her.
But being a reputable man, he left.

The next morning Rex was up and about and about to go fishing when approached by Norman.
" Sir, why do you going fishing all day and leave your beautiful wife in her room all day, I sure as hell wouldnt ?
" MATE SHEEZ GOT THE CLAT."
Norman was taken aback, paused and replied
" Sir there are other ways.."
" NAH MATE TRIED THAT BUT SHEEZ GOT PILES, MAKES IT TOO HARD."
" Sir there are other possiblities if you know what I mean."
" BLOWJOBS ARE OUTA THE QUESTION MATE, SHEEZ GOT HERPES AS WELL."
Norman was aghast, pondered a moment, got his dander up and said
" Sir with all those problems and diseases why are you still married to her ?
To this Rex replies
" SHEEZ ALSO GOT WORMS, AND I LOVE ME FISHING ...

[Booney]

Very good mal- 8-2

[locky801]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES !!!


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits..

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead..

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

[Drop Bear]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES !!!


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits..

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead..

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Now that's just too hard to believe Locky!

[Baron Greenback]

A couple Rex and wife arrived at a seaside resort
The resort owner manager Norman welcomed them to his establishment
Norman couldnt help but notice how cute and busty the wife was, yum.

The next 3 days Rex would be up at 5-00 in the morning, with his fishing gear and would not return until the evening.
On the fourth morning after Rex went fishing again , Norman went to thier room
Why was Rex fishing and leaving this delectable cutie to spend her days in the room ?
He pretended to be the cleaner and sneaked in and saw her in the shower, naked, her body was sensational, oh how Norman wanted to be slicing into her.
But being a reputable man, he left.

The next morning Rex was up and about and about to go fishing when approached by Norman.
" Sir, why do you going fishing all day and leave your beautiful wife in her room all day, I sure as hell wouldnt ?
" MATE SHEEZ GOT THE CLAT."
Norman was taken aback, paused and replied
" Sir there are other ways.."
" NAH MATE TRIED THAT BUT SHEEZ GOT PILES, MAKES IT TOO HARD."
" Sir there are other possiblities if you know what I mean."
" BLOWJOBS ARE OUTA THE QUESTION MATE, SHEEZ GOT HERPES AS WELL."
Norman was aghast, pondered a moment, got his dander up and said
" Sir with all those problems and diseases why are you still married to her ?
To this Rex replies
" SHEEZ ALSO GOT WORMS, AND I LOVE ME FISHING ...

Sensational!!!

[mal]

Pete and Paul the Siamese Twins are at a Pub boozing
The Barman struck up a conversation with the lads whilst serving a few grogs.
" Get about much boys?"
" YEAH WE ARE GOING TO AMERICA AGAIN NEXT MONTH."
" How often do you get to the states?"
" EVERY YEAR, WE HIRE A CAR AND DRIVE AROUND THE COUNTRY DONT WE PETE."
Pete agrees
The Barman then adds
" Great land America, history, power,culture, good beer."
Pete interupts
" BULLSHIT, WE HATE AMERICA, PREFER MEAT PIES, KANGAROOS AND HOLDEN CARS."
Paul adds
" YEAH THEM YANKS ARE LOUD MOUTH BIG HEADED ARSEHOLES."
The barman puzzled asks
" So why keep holidaying there ?"
Pete Replies
" ITS THE ONLY CHANCE PAUL GETS TO DRIVE."

[Groover]

Some footy scores on the weekend.

[Mythical Creature]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat...

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a
big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's
machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species..

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex
with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions:

'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'

'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500’.

[Drop Bear]

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her Twin, I said how you can tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a Moustache."

[Dirko]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy replies, "No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m ******* her."

The boss says, "Errr... you **** your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

[Drop Bear]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can’t come in today, I’m sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy replies, "No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m f****** her."

The boss says, "Errr... you f*** your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

A Sick Tasmanian.