BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

My mates new years resolution was to retire as a flasher....but he decided to stick it out for 1 more year.

[locky801]

I came home tonight to find my beautiful next door neighbour had broken into my house and was laying on my bed dressed only in stockings and crotchless knickers.
She said "Take me, Take me now!!!"
I said "Alright as long as it`s not too far as I havent got much petrol in the car."

[locky801]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly.

‘Paint…my….house.’

[locky801]

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

[locky801]

I saw a woman crying in a campground who had locked her keys in her car.
I said I'll fix it.
She was amazed when I pulled off my pants And rolled them into a tight ball.
I rubbed them up against the car door and the lock popped open.
Amazed she said, how the hell did you do that?
I said, easy, these are my Khaki's

[locky801]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[locky801]

So I was at Woolworths earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley . With an attitude she asked me, what type of dog Do I own.
I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.
She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find any toilet paper at coles or woollies because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.I swiped my everyday rewards card paid for my purchases and off I went.

[locky801]

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker:
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts, but the sheep farmer yelled. "No! Don't throw those away. My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries.'"
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.
She said. "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell.

[locky801]

2 midgets go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The 1st midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the 2nd midget asks the 1st, “How did it go?” The 1st mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a erection.” The 2nd midget shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?" , “I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

[locky801]

NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Of course...it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
Now he can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry..
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

[locky801]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down each horse's legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Elders guy wants to buy Mum.”

[locky801]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[locky801]

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, “I think I was just molested back there.”
The bus driver looked at her and said, “Not on my bus. You couldn't have been.” So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, “I think I was just molested back there.”
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, “Sir, what are you doing?”
The man looks at him and says, “I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again.”

[locky801]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

[locky801]

The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[locky801]

A man visited the local mental hospital and asked the head doctor how to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
“It’s simple actually,” said the doctor. “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we simply ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” the man replied. “Obviously a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No…” the doctor replied. “A normal person would pull the plug and let it drain. Do you want a bed near the window?”

[mal]

Keepem coming Laughy801

[locky801]

When the wedding got to the question ending with "...or forever hold their peace" the silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying a child, who stood and walked slowly to the front of the church. Chaos ensued. The bride threw down her bouquet and burst into tears. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen gave each other looks, hoping to help save the situation. When she got close, the pastor asked her, "Please tell us why you came forward." The church was absolutely silent. The woman said, "I couldn't hear in the back."

[locky801]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in her. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway cleaning his bum, and I backed over him with the car.''

[locky801]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"