BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[locky801]

Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "You know I want to pee off the bridge like men do." So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water and pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there, I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection."

[Vamos]

Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "You know I want to pee off the bridge like men do." So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water and pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there, I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection."

That's ridiculous, but funny

[locky801]

A man with tickets to the AFL Grand Final finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says. "The seat is empty."
"That's incredible", said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[locky801]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?

[locky801]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[locky801]

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

[locky801]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ shag in Scarborough!!..

[locky801]

A mother travelled 2000 miles across the world to be with her only son on the day he received his Air Force Wings (licence to fly), and also got married the same evening .
"Thanks for coming" , he said later , "It meant so much to me" .
"I would'nt have missed it" , she said . "After all , its Not every day a mother can watch her son get Wings in the morning and have them Clipped in the evening"

[locky801]

HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox!"

[locky801]

Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!

[locky801]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

[locky801]

A Chinese man called a prostitute service and asked for their most talented & energetic girl. The girl finally got to his home and they started having sex. Once he was done, he jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed & came out the other side and started having sex with the girl again. After he had finished the 2nd time, he again jumped off the bed, ran to the window, went under the bed & came out the other side and started again.. He did this 8 more times!
The girl was impressed by his stamina. After they finished the 10th time, she decided to try it herself. So, she jumped off the bed, ran to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed & saw 9 other Chinese men...
SNEAKY LITTLE BASTARDS!

[locky801]

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Feck All', he says, ' F-E-C-K-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Mexican Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Mexican border is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got Feck All for Breakfast."

[locky801]

A man walked into a restaurant and shouted his order aggressively.
"Please give me 2 pieces of chicken and give everyone here 2 pieces of chicken each because when I eat others must eat too" . So the waiter served everybody their food.
After they finish eating , the man shouted again
"Give me one bottle of whiskey and give everyone here 1 bottle of whiskey each because when I drink everyone must drink too".
The waiter served everyone their drinks
Everybody in the restaurant were really happy and started hailing him "jack the great"
After the man finished drinking, he shouted again, "give me my bill and give everyone here their bills too because when I pay my bills everyone must pay their bills too ".
Well Jack will be būried this coming Saturday hope u will attend as well .

[locky801]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil

[locky801]

Bloke goes to see the doctor. After an examination, the doctor says, “if you continue to drink alcohol the way you do, you’ll become smaller and smaller and smaller until you’re the size of a mouse”.
When he gets home his wife asks how he got on at the doctor's. Bloke says, “if I continue to drink alcohol the way I do, I’ll become smaller and smaller and smaller until I’m the size of a mouse”. His wife says, “oh my, what are you going to do?”. Bloke says, “get rid of the bloody cat! “

[locky801]

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his wife speaks:
Honey, can you run down to the corner shop and buy bread, so I can make breakfast for the kids tomorrow?
Fine, but you should have mentioned earlier - says the husband while putting the uniform on again
He runs down to the shop, gets the bread and exchanges small talk with the guy at the counter
New job? - asks the cashier
Nah, why do you ask?
Ah, I could have sworn you were a policeman, but that's definitely a fireman uniform

[locky801]

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!"

[locky801]

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."