BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Movies, TV Shows, Fringe, etc.

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Nov 29, 2020 4:28 pm

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint....

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Dec 08, 2020 5:25 pm

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Dec 08, 2020 7:10 pm

locky801 wrote:Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Oldie but a goodie.
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
Spargo
Coach
 
 
Posts: 15877
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 4:42 pm
Location: Getting out of Dodge
Has liked: 5456 times
Been liked: 5089 times
Grassroots Team: Sacred Heart OC

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Dec 10, 2020 7:35 am

A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist, Penny, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Penny very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The big-breasted organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Dec 14, 2020 6:13 pm

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: “How does the male know when the female dog is ready for sex ?”
I replied: “He can smell she is ready. That is how nature works.”
We then walked past a sheep paddock and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: “How the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex?”
I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”
We then went past a cow-paddock and the bull was mating the cow.
My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are all at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready.
I said: “Look, it’s nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex”.
Anyway and after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: “Take care and get yourself checked for Covid-19 .”
Surprised I asked her: “Why do you feel that way?”
She said: “I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell.”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:17 am

My mate Gav died yesterday due to taking too many heartburn tablets.

I can't believe Gaviscon.
User avatar
DOC
Coach
 
 
Posts: 17913
Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:15 pm
Has liked: 723 times
Been liked: 2076 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Magellan » Mon Jan 04, 2021 1:26 pm

DOC wrote:My mate Gav died yesterday due to taking too many heartburn tablets.

I can't believe Gaviscon.

That's Pepto-Bismol news.

But don't despair. Eno's he lived a good life, and he knew he was Rennie to go.
"Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there...and finding it." - Oscar Wilde
User avatar
Magellan
Coach
 
 
Posts: 5981
Joined: Sat May 12, 2007 1:04 pm
Location: Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Has liked: 757 times
Been liked: 1517 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Wed Jan 06, 2021 10:26 pm

My mate Barry is getting divorced so I met him for a drink.

Very depressed. So I said "cheer up Barry you had 22 happy years"

He said "True. Then I met her."
User avatar
DOC
Coach
 
 
Posts: 17913
Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:15 pm
Has liked: 723 times
Been liked: 2076 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Jan 10, 2021 11:14 pm

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish’ she says. ‘Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I wish for a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man. “You know” he says. “I think that genie of yours is a little deaf, I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks.”
“Tell me about it.” Says the man. “Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?.”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jan 23, 2021 8:38 am

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No. She said, “Some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
He said, "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bit.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Fri Jan 29, 2021 12:26 pm

Oral Sex Survey.

5000 men were surveyed as to why they like to receive oral sex;


1% liked the warmth


2% liked the sensation


3% liked the eroticism


95% just liked the peace & quiet.
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
Spargo
Coach
 
 
Posts: 15877
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 4:42 pm
Location: Getting out of Dodge
Has liked: 5456 times
Been liked: 5089 times
Grassroots Team: Sacred Heart OC

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jan 30, 2021 11:27 am

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies'
night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the
rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the
male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the
$10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20
bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20
bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my
third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy
over. I was worried about the way things were
going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one
of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things
were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now
everyone's attention was focused on me, and the
guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My
brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it
down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks,
and went home.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:03 pm

he local bar is so sure that its bar tender is the strongest man around that they offer a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender squeezes a lemon until all the juice runs into a glass, and hands the lemon to a patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out of it wins the money. Over time many people have tried, but nobody has ever succeeded.
One day a scrawny little man comes in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester, and says in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter has died down, the bar tender says OK, grabs a lemon, and squeezes away. He then hands the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass.
As the crowd cheers, the bar tender pays the $1,000 and asks the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a logger, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replies, "I work for the tax office."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Feb 04, 2021 8:29 am

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Blacky » Thu Feb 04, 2021 10:15 am

mate meets a babe with the bests tits he has ever seen
says to her i will give you a $1000 if i can bite your nipple
she thinks about it and says ok
after a half an hour mate is having a great time licking and kissing
she says to him when are you going to bite my nipple
he looks at her and says
i cant afford that
Current image:
Maximum dimensions; width: 100 pixels, height: 100 pixels, file size: 20.51 KiB
The avatar functionality is currently DISABLED.
Blacky
Reserves
 
 
Posts: 965
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:31 pm
Location: Front bar at WESTIES
Has liked: 8 times
Been liked: 40 times
Grassroots Team: Morphettville Park

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Thu Feb 11, 2021 1:49 pm

an Aussie, a Pom and an Irish man are stranded on an island when a lamp is washed ashore, they decided to give it a rub and then "woosh" a genie appears to announce they can have one wish each.

The Aussie goes first and says "I'd love to back in the Sydney Harbour on a yacht sinking beers and eating lobster", he then disappears to his chosen destination.

The Pom then pipes up "I'd love to be back home in my local sipping on a nice pint of lager" he then disappears back to London.

The Genie turns to the Irish man and says "Your turn my friend".

The Irishman scratches his head and then says "Geez, it's pretty lonely here, I wouldn't mind my two mates back".
HOGG SHIELD DIVISION V WINNER 2018.
User avatar
Lightning McQueen
Coach
 
Posts: 51284
Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:43 am
Location: Radiator Springs
Has liked: 4339 times
Been liked: 7902 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Magellan » Thu Feb 11, 2021 2:31 pm

"Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there...and finding it." - Oscar Wilde
User avatar
Magellan
Coach
 
 
Posts: 5981
Joined: Sat May 12, 2007 1:04 pm
Location: Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Has liked: 757 times
Been liked: 1517 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Fri Feb 12, 2021 8:03 am

A teacher asks her class of year 2’s what they’d like to be when they grow up. Tommy wants to be a fireman, Jenny a doctor. She then asks little Johnny...
“Miss, I want to me a billionaire. Have my own private jet to fly my bitch around. Mansion on the water in Malibu, chalet in the Swiss Alps, an apartment in Hawaii. Spoil my bitch with the most expensive clothes & jewellery and f#ck her at least 3 or 4 times every day”.
The teacher is gobsmacked, lost for words and decides the best way to handle this is to ignore Johnny & move on immediately.
She quickly asks Susie what she wants to be when she grows up.
“I wanna be Johnny’s bitch, miss”...
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
Spargo
Coach
 
 
Posts: 15877
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 4:42 pm
Location: Getting out of Dodge
Has liked: 5456 times
Been liked: 5089 times
Grassroots Team: Sacred Heart OC

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Feb 19, 2021 12:51 am

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 20, 2021 5:03 pm

Johnny and Jimmy were raiding a commercial fruit grower helping themselves to some produce when the farmer happened along and nabbed young Johnny in the strawberry patch.
The farmer was understandably angry and said, "Pull down your trousers and assume the position. I'm going to stuff these strawberries you picked up your arse!"
Every time the farmer pushed one into Johnny's arse, Johnny would start laughing.
The farmer growled "So you think this is funny, huh?"
Johnny gasped, "No, not really. I'm just thinking of my mate, Jimmy. He's in your watermelon patch."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55750
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3645 times
Been liked: 1160 times

PreviousNext

Board index   General Talk  Entertainment

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

Around the place

Competitions   SANFL Official Site | Country Footy SA | Southern Football League | VFL Footy
Club Forums   Snouts Louts | The Roost | Redlegs Forum |