BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.


He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.


Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing

the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed

the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think

you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,


"Let's have another look at that dog".

[locky801]

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.

After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.

After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of

beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home.

[locky801]

Blonde and her Jaguar



Carolyn, a very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day,

but at night, the car just won't go at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a

week (but without any luck), she furiously

calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a

technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds

nothing wrong with it.


So he turns to the blonde and asks:

"Ma'am, are you sure you are using the

right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:

"You idiot, how on earth could you ask

such a question? I'm not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears;



I use "D" during the day



and "N" at night."

[locky801]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......
”The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.
”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

[locky801]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has

seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...


We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Tesco's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[locky801]

I decided to go to the mixed religion seminar for the first time. I sat down and then the Catholic Priest came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said "By the will of God the Almighty and Jesus Christ, you will walk today?. I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then came the pentecostal minister and laid his hands on me and said ?By the will of God the Almighty, you will walk today?. Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

Then came the Muslim Imam and laid his hands on me and said ?By the will of Allah the Almighty, you will walk today?. Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me
. Then came The Buddhist monk and laid his hands on me and said ?By the will of Buddha, you will walk today? Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers and sermons, I stepped outside, and lo and behold, my bike had been stolen.

[locky801]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.


The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."



The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."


At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart.



Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."


Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".

[locky801]

ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my N eck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, " N ow don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[locky801]

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.



My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.


I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.



She told me that I must stop masturbating.



I asked her why.



She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[locky801]

FISH ON FRIDAYS
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ...............But, I fish on Fridays.

[locky801]

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[locky801]

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.

She was known as Oral High Jean.



Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.

That’s nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam!'




My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!

At first I didn’t believe it .... but when I got home all the signs were there.




A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick



My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.

Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

[locky801]

Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'

[locky801]

What deep thinkers we men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I arrived at the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know,

I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.



Time for another beer.

[locky801]

A lady walks into Harrods.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously
to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises
in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities
one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable,
but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[valleys07]

History of the Condom:

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[locky801]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.


She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice.

"Hi, I'm so glad you called.........

....................... Really?.

That's wonderful......

I'm so happy for you.....

That sounds terrific......

Great!......

Thanks......

Okay......

Byeeeeeeee".

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?".

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great
time he's having on his golf trip with you".

[locky801]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Kmart store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the
second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn
comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light, 'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the
guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE F+*%‪#‎IN‬ LIGHT, I shit meself!!
'Wally is now working at a Kmart near you!

[Lightning McQueen]

What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.

[heater31]

What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.

Except if you are me or @Wedgie we will take the mandarin thanks