The Bladder

[Dissident]

Wasn't sure where to put this, sort of covers most sections of the forum.

A few years ago there was a site called The Bladder ("Taking the piss out of sport"). It was brilliant at times - well written and very funny. Thought I'd post a few old articles for a laugh. Take them with a grain of salt.. if you don't find them funny, move on

[Dissident]

From 2005

Hayden Hits Out
by STAFF REPORTERS

Fremantle's Roger Hayden has launched a stinging attack on Docker fans for making him the only Aboriginal footballer in Australia not to have become a 'cult favourite' at his club.

Hayden's outburst was delivered at a recent promotional clinic, and stunned both his teammates and the head of the club's cheer squad.

"It's bloody disgraceful," Hayden exploded. "Everywhere you look people are talking up the Aboriginal players as 'something special'.

"Jeff Farmer is 'the Wiz', Andrew McLeod is 'Magic', Byron Pickett is, well, he's just violent basically - but in a very special way.

"Last year everyone was raving about Daniel Wells and Aaron Davey. This year the media went apoplectic over Richard Tambling in his first bloody game! And last week the final straw came when I heard a radio report saying that Eddie Betts had already become a crowd favourite with Carlton fans. Eddie bloody Betts!!

"Well I'm sick of it. Why not me? Just because I'm not small and fast and flashy? It's unfair. I'm a better footballer than most of those guys but I never get the attention."

The head of the Dockers Cheer Squad, 'Wharfie' McGhie, initially denied Hayden's claims, but then realised we were talking about a Dockers player and not the Australian cricket opener.

"Ahhh, look Roger - that's his name, isn't it? - he's a good solid player, but he's not exciting, you know?

"He could become a cult favourite with us over time, but it's hard to see him knocking off the likes of, err, ummm, the other guys who are the favourites. Yep, they're real attention-grabbers, those guys. There's so much competition here at Fremantle."

[Dissident]

Lee ‘sorry’ after cereal fiasco
by STAFF REPORTERS


"Ben Morrison - victim"


Australian speedster Brett Lee is in hot water again after an 11-year-old boy was injured when filming for a new breakfast cereal commercial went horribly, horribly wrong yesterday.

As part of the filming, Lee was required to send down a few gentle deliveries to young Ben Morrison. Unfortunately, Lee’s second ball was a searing head-high full-toss that nearly killed the happy-go-lucky kid from the Melbourne suburb of Scoresby.

Lee ran to the stricken child, patted him on the shoulder, and held his palms upwards in the universally-accepted ‘sorry’ gesture of leading sportsmen. But for some critics, that wasn’t enough.

“It’s not enough,” said one critic. “Lee has filmed three different commercials this year, and in each one somebody’s been struck by one of his ‘bean balls.’ I don’t think that’s a coincidence, and something has to be done to stop him.”

Lee said that his hands had been slippery from pouring jugs of milk over the top of his bowl of delicious cereal, and that the ball had merely slipped from his grasp.

“It was an accident, that’s all,” he said. “You know me, I’m not the type of guy who would bowl a head-high full toss at a kid.

“The ball just slipped. Just like it did with Brendan MacCullum. Just like it did with Razzaq. Just like it’s done probably 30 or 40 times this season, especially with blokes who are scoring runs off me or giving me the sh!ts. It’s amazing how slippery the ball gets when someone’s giving me the sh!ts. And that little kid was mouthing off a bit …”

Lee had further problems later in the shoot when several spoons and a bowl of Weet Bix also inexplicably slipped from his hands, injuring a clutch of enthusiastic young urchins waiting at his feet.

“You’d be surprised how often that happens,” Lee explained later.

[Dissident]

Symonds bounces back with “brilliant” 31
by STAFF REPORTERS

Andrew Symonds yesterday silenced his critics with a swashbuckling and game-changing 31, scored off only 49 balls, against a rampant West Indies bowling attack.

After scoring five ducks in his last six innings, Symonds was elevated in the batting order to give him a chance to build a substantial innings. Aware that he was under intense pressure for his place in the side, he answered the critics in the most emphatic way a batsmen can – by edging and scratching his way to one of the best 31s ever scored at the Adelaide Oval.

“I guess the team really needed an innings from me today,” he told a packed press conference after the game.

“We’d lost some early wickets, but as soon as I blocked the first sixteen balls of my innings, survived a few close LBW appeals, edged one into my foot, got dropped twice, had a cramp and a change of gloves, I knew it was going to be my day.”

Speaking to thebladder.com, Australian captain Ricky Ponting said his faith in Symonds had been repaid in full, and then some.

“He was hitting the ball well in the nets, so I knew a big score was just around the corner,” Ponting said.

“It took me back to the first couple of times I saw him play. He made a breathtaking 24 at the GABBA in a Sheffield Shield Game against Tasmania in ’96, and I knew then we had a special talent in our midst. When backed that up with a second innings 16, I knew it was only a matter of time before he joined the Australian team.”

Despite the accolades, Symonds is keeping his feet on the ground about what an innings like this will do for his career.

“You know how it goes – one game at a time. I just hope I get the opportunity to make a lots more scores of 15 or 20 scores for Australia.”

[Dissident]

Jodie Henry’s nana in drunken rampage
by STAFF REPORTERS


"Ethel Henry during an earlier, rampage-free, celebration"

The nana of Australian gold medal winning swimmer Jodie Henry has gone on a drunken rampage through the streets of Brisbane today, after her granddaughter took out gold in the women’s 100m freestyle.

Henry’s claim that her “nana would be going absolutely psycho right now” proved prophetic, with police reporting that Ethel Henry, 83, grabbed a shotgun and proceeded to rampage through Brisbane in a stolen car, immediately after the race was won.

Henry is believed to have stolen a ute, driven to a local bottleshop and robbed the owner a gunpoint, stealing numerous bottles of Jack Daniels, before driving through inner-city Brisbane firing her shotgun into the air.

After being pursued by police, Henry eventually holed up in a disused warehouse, where siege ensued. Three hours later, negotiators were able to convince Henry to surrender.

“Mrs Henry was clearly in an agitated, and rightly so,” said police constable Jon McIntosh. “But if we all celebrated gold medal performances in this manner, someone might get hurt.”

Henry’s husband, Mr Gordon Henry, said the behaviour was out of character. “She hasn’t done anything like this before,” he told thebladder.com.au. “At least, not since Dawn Fraser won gold in 1956. Back then, Ethel climbed a flagpole and pissed on passers-by, but I thought those crazy days were behind her.”

[The Ash Man]

These are fantastic Diss.

Where can I get more?

[OnSong]

Link us to the site! All I get is Wikipedia's description of a digestive organ!

[Dissident]

The site has been down for a long time now

I'm scrounging through the archives!

[Banker]

You guys would probably enjoy the AFL spinoff: http://thewhitemaggot.com/

*Cheers Diss

[Dissident]

* http://www.thewhitemaggot.com

[MatteeG]

I always loved footy invective myself: http://www.footballinvective.com/

Wish it would come back. The term Colberting has been lost over the past 18 months or so...