Chuck Norris Facts

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Chuck Norris Facts

Postby RustyCage » Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:48 am

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass motherfkr that is

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's ******* head off

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the **** he wants

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Pi is not infinite. It stops when Chuck Norris tells it to

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die

Chuck Norris can hear silence

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris

50 Cent was once known as “Dollar“. Then he met Chuck Norris.
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby rod_rooster » Wed Feb 08, 2006 3:50 pm

Best laugh i've had in ages. :lol: :lol:
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Postby RustyCage » Thu Feb 09, 2006 1:14 am

I highlighted the two that would be of interest to Sam and Booney
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Postby Jimmy » Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:06 am

i posted this a moth or two ago, but it is still funny as shit
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Postby Jimmy » Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:06 am

also, check out mr T facts and vin diesel facts (altho i think vin diesel is gay)
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Postby Punk Rooster » Thu Feb 09, 2006 8:19 am

missing fact: Chuck Norris barracks for North
Ralph Wiggum wrote:That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things

Ken Farmer>John Coleman

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