Rugby League Explained - A service for bandwagon Storm fans
Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 9:29 amThinking of going to the game, but don't know what colours the Storm are or even what sport they play? Follow REB's League guide and follow Victoria's trendiest Septemember diversion. Look the part!!
The kick off
The game starts when one team kicks it to the other. Eventually the ball ends up in the hands on one of the biggest fuggers you have ever seen outside of the Sumo wrestling ring. The big fugger with no neck grabs the pill and puts all of his massive power into running into an even bigger fugger who is all of ten metres away, and that is if the Referee is doing his job properly.
The big fugger with the ball gets tackled by the even bigger fugger and a whole bunch of big motherfuggas dive on his sorry ar5e while he clutches the pill to his massive chest and wriggles like a worm caught on a hook. After 90 seconds or so, the fans awake from their slumber and shout GETORFIMYABASTAD!!
The do this four more times. In an 'exciting' game a Centre might accidently keep the ball alive, going forward by passing it backwards! If he's not asleep a big fugger who can run might run...wait for it...15 TO 20 METRES!! Whenever this happens it's erections around and the 10 thousand people in the stands might even stop drinking their Tooheys New and watch the game they love so much, the millions who watch it on TV though, do not as they shove another goldie into the pokie machine.
Normally though it five times big fugger running into bigger fugger scenario. However, on the last tackle the team with the ball actually has to do something. The refereee has to count to six so that makes your average Rugby League ref smarter than the mongrel that pays whatever the Putriaco crowd wants against your unfairly victimisied Victorian team.
In an amazing display, the 'playmaker' (normally the half back but sometimes the five eighth) will actually KICK (this one in six ratio is why it's called Football in NSW and Qld) the ball but hold your horses Australian Rules fans..he's only trying to kick it out of bounds...it's allowed so don't embarrass yourself by shouting DELIBERATE. League fans also take a dim view of you shouting BALL every time the big fugger is tackled by the even bigger fugger.
The scrum
After this brilliant kick, they have one of those funny scrum things. They all bow their heads in prayer but because this isn't Rugby Union, they actually talk to each other instead of indulging in prayer...
ST GEORGE: What in the bloody hell are we doing this for?
MELBOURNE: Hurry up, my back hurts
ST GEORGE: That's cos you've got too many bandwaggoners
MELBLOURNE: Hey who dropped one!!
ST GEORGE: 5hit!! The balls out!!
In League, the scrum is just a way of restarting play. It would be more exciting and include more unpredictability if they were to restart the game with a quick round of two up..this would increase the betting on League no end and provide some entertainment for bemused Melbournians. You could include most tosses won and lost and heads, tails, evens stats and everything. You could even award a yearly medal for the best tosser.
Then the ball just gets fed into the second row (the bigger fuggers) and the team with the feed nearly always wins the scrum, making it a complete waste of time. When I was a youngster, teams used to regularly win against the feed..I read in Rugby League Week once that there was 132 rules for the scrum, they must have gotten rid of 131 of them to include only one. Feed it through the legs of the kegs.
Scoring
The objective of the game is to score a try. This is when a bigger fugger drags three big fuggers over the line and the entire crowd stares at a blank video screen, or more likely nips off to the bar or to the trough for a quick slash while a vision impaired, compter illiterate video ref bravely fires back the decision of 'Refs Call' (LMAO). Of course, some trys are better than others. The smaller, quicker blokes will often go wide and try and dive on that barber pole and plant the ball over the line, if they manage to knock over the pole, they get a free haircut. You can't however, do a touchdown because most League players struggle to speak coherently, let alone sing.
Then they do a conversion. They invite all of the Australian Rules fans on to the ground and pour Gatorade over thier heads and say 'You are now league fans, now you only need to attend three matches a year to become a hard core fan' and then a bloke behind the ceremony will kick the ball through the uprights. Four points for the try, two for the conversion. The lazy goal umpires can only be ar5ed waving one flag.
Melbourne 6
St George 0
Now that Melbourne has scored, St George have to kick the ball back to them. It was this brilliant sporting innovation that lead to St George winning 11 straight premierships in a row. When you get on top in League, a rout is on the cards. In the semis the other week, The Brisbane Broncos won by 50-6 and St George beat Manly by 28-0. Little wonder then that Soccer is considered the big threat to Australian Rules Football.
At the Game
By now you have a sore ar5e from sitting at a substandard venue and that bloke from Sydney is giving you the tom tits. If you're lucky you have witnessed a Melbourne victory and if you are even luckier both teams will have scored. Don't be caught out..just boo when everyone else boos and shake your head in disgust when everyone is applauding. There is high entertainment available with this unique drinking game..for every scrum, skull a beer. You can get them easily when the play is on, it's not like you will be missing anything. Maybe get a few pints when St George score because your mob might not get the ball back for awhile.
As you can see, you can be the knowledgeable sports fan for all seasons and have fun at the League.
Better still, get yourself down to the artist formerly known as Craptus Oval and watch Geelong play Sandy in the VFL Grand Final.
regards,
REB
The kick off
The game starts when one team kicks it to the other. Eventually the ball ends up in the hands on one of the biggest fuggers you have ever seen outside of the Sumo wrestling ring. The big fugger with no neck grabs the pill and puts all of his massive power into running into an even bigger fugger who is all of ten metres away, and that is if the Referee is doing his job properly.
The big fugger with the ball gets tackled by the even bigger fugger and a whole bunch of big motherfuggas dive on his sorry ar5e while he clutches the pill to his massive chest and wriggles like a worm caught on a hook. After 90 seconds or so, the fans awake from their slumber and shout GETORFIMYABASTAD!!
The do this four more times. In an 'exciting' game a Centre might accidently keep the ball alive, going forward by passing it backwards! If he's not asleep a big fugger who can run might run...wait for it...15 TO 20 METRES!! Whenever this happens it's erections around and the 10 thousand people in the stands might even stop drinking their Tooheys New and watch the game they love so much, the millions who watch it on TV though, do not as they shove another goldie into the pokie machine.
Normally though it five times big fugger running into bigger fugger scenario. However, on the last tackle the team with the ball actually has to do something. The refereee has to count to six so that makes your average Rugby League ref smarter than the mongrel that pays whatever the Putriaco crowd wants against your unfairly victimisied Victorian team.
In an amazing display, the 'playmaker' (normally the half back but sometimes the five eighth) will actually KICK (this one in six ratio is why it's called Football in NSW and Qld) the ball but hold your horses Australian Rules fans..he's only trying to kick it out of bounds...it's allowed so don't embarrass yourself by shouting DELIBERATE. League fans also take a dim view of you shouting BALL every time the big fugger is tackled by the even bigger fugger.
The scrum
After this brilliant kick, they have one of those funny scrum things. They all bow their heads in prayer but because this isn't Rugby Union, they actually talk to each other instead of indulging in prayer...
ST GEORGE: What in the bloody hell are we doing this for?
MELBOURNE: Hurry up, my back hurts
ST GEORGE: That's cos you've got too many bandwaggoners
MELBLOURNE: Hey who dropped one!!
ST GEORGE: 5hit!! The balls out!!
In League, the scrum is just a way of restarting play. It would be more exciting and include more unpredictability if they were to restart the game with a quick round of two up..this would increase the betting on League no end and provide some entertainment for bemused Melbournians. You could include most tosses won and lost and heads, tails, evens stats and everything. You could even award a yearly medal for the best tosser.
Then the ball just gets fed into the second row (the bigger fuggers) and the team with the feed nearly always wins the scrum, making it a complete waste of time. When I was a youngster, teams used to regularly win against the feed..I read in Rugby League Week once that there was 132 rules for the scrum, they must have gotten rid of 131 of them to include only one. Feed it through the legs of the kegs.
Scoring
The objective of the game is to score a try. This is when a bigger fugger drags three big fuggers over the line and the entire crowd stares at a blank video screen, or more likely nips off to the bar or to the trough for a quick slash while a vision impaired, compter illiterate video ref bravely fires back the decision of 'Refs Call' (LMAO). Of course, some trys are better than others. The smaller, quicker blokes will often go wide and try and dive on that barber pole and plant the ball over the line, if they manage to knock over the pole, they get a free haircut. You can't however, do a touchdown because most League players struggle to speak coherently, let alone sing.
Then they do a conversion. They invite all of the Australian Rules fans on to the ground and pour Gatorade over thier heads and say 'You are now league fans, now you only need to attend three matches a year to become a hard core fan' and then a bloke behind the ceremony will kick the ball through the uprights. Four points for the try, two for the conversion. The lazy goal umpires can only be ar5ed waving one flag.
Melbourne 6
St George 0
Now that Melbourne has scored, St George have to kick the ball back to them. It was this brilliant sporting innovation that lead to St George winning 11 straight premierships in a row. When you get on top in League, a rout is on the cards. In the semis the other week, The Brisbane Broncos won by 50-6 and St George beat Manly by 28-0. Little wonder then that Soccer is considered the big threat to Australian Rules Football.
At the Game
By now you have a sore ar5e from sitting at a substandard venue and that bloke from Sydney is giving you the tom tits. If you're lucky you have witnessed a Melbourne victory and if you are even luckier both teams will have scored. Don't be caught out..just boo when everyone else boos and shake your head in disgust when everyone is applauding. There is high entertainment available with this unique drinking game..for every scrum, skull a beer. You can get them easily when the play is on, it's not like you will be missing anything. Maybe get a few pints when St George score because your mob might not get the ball back for awhile.
As you can see, you can be the knowledgeable sports fan for all seasons and have fun at the League.
Better still, get yourself down to the artist formerly known as Craptus Oval and watch Geelong play Sandy in the VFL Grand Final.
regards,
REB
its S*** 
