SA Footy

This gets a laugh on other forums, so I thought Id try it here too. The idea is to post lyrics or verses from songs that make you laugh. It can be normal songs that have funny parts, or songs by comedians or whatever.

Everytime I clean me room, I make another mess
Everytime I miss the bus, I am late for a test
Everytime I’m reincarnated, it's in the lowest form
I leave my window open every time there is a storm
Everytime I have a hangover, I have to go to work
Everytime I masturbate dry, it tends to hurt
Everytime I pat a dog, it bites me on the hand
Everytime I talk to aliens, they don’t understand
Everytime I skate, I get another bruise
Everytime I get drunk, I vomit on my shoes
Everytime I scratch, the needle jumps
Everytime I drink milk, it comes out in lumps
Everytime I freestyle, I just talk shit
Everytime I catch the bus, there is no where to sit
Everytime I catch a train, Im hassled for a ticket
Everytime I bat in cricket, 1st ball takes a wicket
Everytime I’m drunk at a party in a toga, I pull a damn hamstring to prove I do yoga
Everytime I eat, I get a pain in my chest
Everytime I thinks it’s heartburn, it’s cardiac arrest
Everytime I make a call, call waiting interrupts
Everytime I dump a load at someone’s house, it won’t flush
Everytime it won’t flush, it stains the ceramic
If you ever see me happy it because I’m manic

It’s not easy being me
It’s not easy being me

Everytime I give advice, it comes out wrong
Everytime I get raided, my prints are on the bong
Everytime I score, I get shitty leaf
I was living with a navaho until he heard me diss the chief
Everytime we smoke a joint, I end up with the roach
Everytime I skip sport, I get drilled by the coach
But every time I play footy, I get tackled in the dirt
And I crack another rib and it really **** hurts
Everytime I brush my teeth, I find another cavity
Everytime I try to fly, I discover gravity
Everytime I have a craving, I run out of food
Everytime we spin the bottle, I’m the 1 who ends up nude
Everytime I give a girl an orgasm, she fakes
Everytime I jam it in, the condom breaks
Everytime I gamble, I lose all my chips
Everytime I eat "All Bran" I get the shits
But everytime I shit, it takes about an hour
And there’s never any paper so I have to have a shower
But everytime I shower the towel is already wet
And it’s not wet with water but wet with cum n' sweat
Everytime I pluck my pubic hairs to make myself attractive
My dick gets sore and I **** like a spastic
Everytime I write a song, radio stations ban it
Cause when you play my records in reverse they’re satanic
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan,
Worship Satan

Everytime I make a joke, people take me serious
Everytime I go down on a girl, she’s on her period
Everytime I drive a car, a cop will pull me over
But I say I’m someone else and that I’m sober
Every blind date turns out to be blind
My looks are all I have and that is why I mind
Everytime I have the dream where I’m at the school dance
Everyone is looking at me cause I don’t have any pants
Everytime we play piggy in the middle, I’m the pig
Everytime we play tiggy, I’m the 1 who’s it
Everytime I lick toad, I get warts on my tongue
Everytime I see a killer bee, It’s when i'm gettin stung
Everytime I play scrabble, I make the word “At"
Every wet fart, leaves a stain where I sat
Everytime I **** your mum, she wants it in the bum
And everytime I’m done, it’s not because I’ve come
Everytime I crack onto a chick, I pull my sack out
Everytime I try to suck my dick, I put my back out
Everytime I catch a wave, I hit a coral reef
And everytime I order vegetarian, I get beef

I Get Beef
Chicken’s not a vegetable
I Get Beef
Chicken’s not a vegetable

She wore big knickers and she worked at the sewage farm
I got me hands down her jeans and I nearly lost 1/2 my arm
But after 10 pints she looked quite fit
I couldnt wait to get my hands on her flabby tits
So I said, slap that and ride the ripples
I just gotta get my gob around her greasy nipples
Flabby arse,sweaty breasts, 38 chins,
She was a mound of flesh
SWEATY BETTY, SHE EATS LOTS OF PIES
SWEATY BETTY, SHE'S GOT ENORMOUS THIGHS,
SWEATY BETTY, HAVE U SMELT HER BREATH?
SWEATY BETTY, SHE'D CRUSH A MAN TO DEATH.
I knew she wanted me to shag her
so I stabbed her **** with my mutton dagger
I couldnt believe the size of her bum
She used to play for Wigan at the back of the scrum
I've seen nowt like it since the day i was born
But u know me, I'll shag owt that's warm
SWEATY BETTY, SHE EATS LOTS OF CHIPS
SWEATY BETTY, SHE GOT MASSIVE TITS
SWEATY BETTY, SHE GOT A HUGE VAGINA
SWEATY BETTY, YA COULD FIT A BUS INSIDE HER
She's so obscene, 3 tons of margerine
She's a lump of lard
But SWEATY BETTY, MAKES MY WILLY HARD.

THE MACC LADDS, SWEATY BETTY.

I got a plastic chair
Up my ass
- Tex Perkins

Jarvis Cocker: Help the aged
Ali G: Help tha mutha f**kin aged
Jarvis Cocker: (Lyrics I can't remember)
Ali G: Stay off tha crack! Stay off tha crack!

'Boogie in Ya Butt' by Eddie Murphy includes 'gems' like...

Put a tree in ya butt
Ah put a bumblebee in ya butt
Put a radiator in ya butt
I said see ya later, in ya butt

how about "Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again"
just that one line is enough

Magpiespower wrote:I got a plastic chair
Up my ass
- Tex Perkins

It's plastic bag.
The song is about smuggling heroin.

anything by David Allen Coe

Leaping Lindner wrote:
It's plastic bag.
The song is about smuggling heroin.

That makes more sense.

Lost interest after that first line...

Anything by Weird Al.

Wesley Willis' entire catalogue.

What other artist has gems like "go suck a snow leopard's booty hole" ?

Pseudo wrote:Wesley Willis' entire catalogue.

What other artist has gems like "go suck a snow leopard's booty hole" ?

Ah yes! The famous Mr Willis. RIP Wesley


One of my all time favourite comedy songs is "Kiss Army" by Norman Gunston

"I bet Gene notices me in the crowd....'cos I'll be the one wearing Kiss make up"

Dear little Flo,
I love you so,
Especially in your nightey,
When the moonlight flits,
Accross your tits,
Oh, Jesus Christ, Almighty!

Derek and Clive (aka Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)

"Jump you f**ker jump!" from the same album is also funny but I can't remeber the words

Always look on the bright side of life. - Monty Python, The Life of Brian.

mick wrote:Dear little Flo,
I love you so,
Especially in your nightey,
When the moonlight flits,
Accross your tits,
Oh, Jesus Christ, Almighty!

Derek and Clive (aka Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)

"Jump you f**ker jump!" from the same album is also funny but I can't remeber the words

Derek and Clive are excellent. They are songs - though probably a "pissed" rendition most of the time.

Classic.

Jake the peg.