Welcome back footy tippers for season 2010. For those of you new to the competition you will also receive a weekly wrap up is my slightly different view on the AFL. Reader discretion is advised as the wrap up may contain adult themes, violence, sexual references and drug use… and surprisingly not of all it is about Ben Cousins.
The Cocaine Cat
(to the tune of “the ballad of Jed Clampett”, the theme for the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story ‘bout a guy named Matt
Never did too much as a forward for the cats
Then one day he was ringing some strange bloke,
Who he asked for his mates if he could score some coke
(Cocaine that is, Devils Dandruff , Peruvian marching powder)
Well the next thing you know Stokes life is in despair
As the police folk said put your hands up in the air
Said the local station is the place you’re gonna sing
While you answer some questions ‘bout drug trafficking
(Dealing that is, dishing the blow, moving the bars)
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Matt and his career
He’s shaved his mo and now is back to simply drinking beer
There’ll be no more dealing in his vicinity
No more heaped up helpings of hospitality
(You Silly Billy, that's what they call him now, Young kids y'all don’t deal now, ya hear?)
The biggest talking point of the off season was Matthew “Pablo Escobar” Stokes who was caught in the act of procuring a gram of Cocaine for some visiting mates from the North. Unfortunately for Pablo the police don’t call the purchase of drugs for the enjoyment of friends a favour, they call it drug trafficking.
The cruel irony in this whole debacle is that Stokes appears to be a victim of intense AFL efforts to ensure that footballers don’t TAKE drugs. Such is the paranoia inflicted on players Pablo was explicit in telling even his dealer the cocaine he wanted to purchase was for friends and most definitely not himself. That’s commitment to the cause.
Unfortunately for Stokes while his reputation for not using drugs remains firmly in tact among the drug dealing world - this particular dealer had his phone tapped. Several recorded conversations have Stokes speaking about the drugs quantity, price and quality. Had he skipped training more often to stay home watching ‘the wire’ on television like Obama does, perhaps he would have been more adequately trained in how to conduct clandestine drug transactions.
It seems Matthew and his nefarious, evil plans to on sell one whole gram of Devil’s Dandruff for no profit whatsoever has quite likely cost him an AFL career. The thing is if he said on the phone it was for his own use; he would never have been charged as only five people were when 70% of all intercepted calls were drug related, and in Victoria possession of 3 grams or less is not normally considered trafficking. In the unlikely event he had been caught and charged for possession, he would already be well into a drug diversion program and a comparatively short suspension for his drug problem. Had he simply taken it all, he was at an incredibly small risk of receiving the first of three warnings for testing positive to a drug test. With this clear lack of understanding in mind the AFL has rushed to add a new section to the AFL Players Drug Awareness DVD titled “Why sometimes it is not better to give than receive”.
Stokes defence team cited the National Drug Strategy Household Survey 2007 that showed he was the middle man for just a few of the estimated 281,100 Australians that might be expected to use Cocaine this year, or one percent of the population. However the Geelong Magistrates court did not consider the defence that when Bomber Thompson specifically asked Pablo to deliver more one percenters in 2010, that it extended to cocaine delivery. This despite the presiding judge at Geelong magistrates court wearing a cats scarf and frequently giving the thumbs up signal to Bomber in the back row. In his final statement he was certainly unwavering. "The evidence is overwhelming; phone records, confessions by the dealer and the fact that at the time of your arrest you were sporting that god awful handlebar moustache that had everyone believing you were a hard arse crim. What were you thinking? This is the dumbest crime I have an AFL player commit since Lovett-Murray was charged for possession because his house-mate had an ecstasy tablet in his room".
So with this clear drop in player standards there appears to be no choice but to make the wishes of talk back radio callers come true. We should imprison every single one of these cocaine fuelled Australians. Unemployment and crime rates would plummet, the streets would be safer and the world would be a better place. I mean won't anyone think of the children? Sure there are logistical issues with the plan, based on the latest available data we would need 13 prisons for every one we currently have, or 106 if all illicit drugs are included, but isn't safety more important? I have no doubt these callers would have a plan to ensure our entire economy didn't collapse under the immense costs of building all these prisons, oh and the associated lost productivity stemming from imprisoning around half the adult population. I for one cannot imagine that callers to talk back radio haven't conducted at least a basic cost analysis before they pick up that phone...
Meanwhile the now well shaven Pablo, a former Adelaide zookeeper, is back working with animals at Mount Rothwell Conservation and Research Centre. He’s looking after some endangered quolls apparently. I guess in terms of hard core criminality, he’s got a way to go before he dethrones Chopper, Ivan Milat or the Newcastle Knights Rugby league team.
Round 1
The season opened once again with the Toothless Tigers taking on the Carlton Booze. After being regaled with a week of advertising stating that ‘this year, the tigers are out for revenge’ you could have almost expected to witness a football match. Sadly for the tigers the only revenge dished out was that of being slightly less thrashed than last year. Booze supporters believe this game answered the question “How are they going to score goals without Fevola this year”, which is quite true provided the question doesn’t include “against a real football team”.
Friday night saw the Baby Bombers taking on the all mighty conquerors of 2009, the Barbarians from Geelong. Clearly the Barbarians were still a touch groggy from all that post season pillaging, trailing by four goals half way through the third term. Sadly the champagne sparkling pinot noir bottles hurriedly put on ice by adulated Bomber fans were to go unopened, as from that point chief Huns Ablett and Selwood stamped their authority. Nine unanswered goals later it was the Barbarians in control and back in form for 2010.
Saturday moved to the G where the Hacks looked to make amends for their poor 2009 season, while their opponents the Demons looked at apologise for their form so far this century. On the plus side for the Dees following their ten goal belting, the club has the experience and expertise to continue apologising to their fans through 2010. In fact things are so good many footy commentators have shown faith in the Demons improvement, with many believing they will improve to second bottom ahead of the Tigers this year.
Later that day at ANZ stadium in Sydney, a great deal of murmuring revolved around football circles that the Sickly Swans had what it takes to beat the St Kilda Surgeons. The proof they said, was that last year the Saints snuck home by less than a goal twice so an improved Sicklies outfit should be able to take it out this year. A sound theory it’s true, however like many other theories it was crushed under the overwhelming weight of reality. Although the fact that Kennelly and Malceski were crushed under the weight of oncoming Saints, may have also been a factor. Justin Koschitzke has earned himself a three week holiday from football following his hit, which will make a nice change from enforced holidays through injury.
Up at the Gabba it was Brendan’s Brisbane taking on the West Coast Wilters. Despite the Lions barely being able to field a fit full team at three quarter time, they came from behind and easily overhauled the Wilters. The Fevinator has taken up at the Lions where he left off at the Booze, with eleven shots at goal for a return of three goal, seven behinds and an out of bounds on the full. He hasn’t lost it.
On Sunday the Power Outs took on the Rickety Roos in drizzly Adelaide, with the Power comfortably holding the game at half time before having a bit of a second half lie down. While they scraped home by the final siren it was an effort so underwhelming even Michelangelo Rucci isn’t talking up their grand final hopes. Oh and for those that are interested, there is an AdelaideNow online poll asking “Do you agree with Michelangelo Rucci?”. After twenty four hours of intense voting, the jury was split with 5 yes, 5 no and the remaining 6.25 billion people of this planet not giving a sh*t.
The big game of the opening round, which oddly did not include a grand final rematch, was between Barry’s Bulldogs and Momentarily Mick’s Magpies. The Big Butcher Barry Hall helped the Doggies hold aloft the clubs first piece of silverware since 1970, the pre-season cup sitting happily alongside their single premiership cup from 1954. The belief that there would be one for 2010 took a hit as Mick’s men made amends for last year’s finals fade out.
The round ended with the Fremantle Fockers taking on the Crickety Crows. The Fockers expected to be crap again this year, although to be fair that is purely based on their previous twenty odd year history. The Crows meanwhile are facing an uphill challenge with the oldest list, two forwards who have more surgery than the six million dollar man and according to the 'tiser more injuries concens than the rest of the league combined. As it turned out the Fockers were more than capable of destroying the Crows and now the local media will spend the next seven days crucifying Neil Craig for the barbaric torture methods he used in the pre-season.
