Funny Emails !!

[A Mum]

Don't know how successful or unsuccesfull this might be... .... but I thought I'd start an 'email' thread... as there are always some funny ones that get around

So post your 'funny emails' that you receive

Do we need a rating on this thread though


After flipping his hydrofoil, Jesus quickly leaves the scene before his Father finds out!

[A Mum]

This is just too much!
Who says you can't take it with you?
This is a grave







Look carefully, and you can see that there is a flat screen
(maybe plasma) TV and also a DVD player.
And they say you can't take it with you.

[silicone skyline]

No need for captions in these pics

[Strawb]

This is just too much!
Who says you can't take it with you?
This is a grave







Look carefully, and you can see that there is a flat screen
(maybe plasma) TV and also a DVD player.
And they say you can't take it with you.

Look at all the grog that is going to waste also

[Booney]

How do you know it is going to waste?

[A Mum]

How do you know it is going to waste?

I was just thinking.

Hope the lid is nice and heavy/tight.... cause all those people looking might actually be 'shopping'

LOL !!

[Mic]

There's a whole Pee and Poo catalogue! - http://www.peeandpoo.com/eng/flasheng.asp

Perfect present for my sister.

[Squawk]

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS IN THE FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life...
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live
longer!

[Squawk]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm

while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did

you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practising

law.

[A Mum]

OMG Squawk...



Some of those had me in stitches !!

Very funny.

[A Mum]

For the easily amused... such as I



The day I lost control

[Dirko]

There's a whole Pee and Poo catalogue! - http://www.peeandpoo.com/eng/flasheng.asp

Perfect present for my sister.

Or a Hawthorn supporter....

[A Mum]

Car pooling - Helping the environment out

[A Mum]

An actual ad... (Somewhere) ....lol...

[JAS]

If you thought you were in a bad mood...think again...damn and I was kinda hoping they couldn't float (just kidding FC)



Regards
JAS

[Booney]

It only requires the smallest amount of downward pressure JAS.

[The Ash Man]

ULTIMATE POST IT NOTE PRANK

[Booney]

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries and the
* arrangements she makes.
Simple really

[silicone skyline]

Got it in one Booney

[Choccies]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'
Apparently 'my d!ck' is not an acceptable answer.
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
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why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'