BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL being a professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband MAL"

When MAL arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear MAL: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Hyatt Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. "DON'T WAIT UP!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A deaf couple were honeymooning in Hawaii. Having lived sheltered lives, they were very nervous about their sex life, and communicating their desires to one another in a darkened bedroom. MAL asked his wife in sign language "Honey how should I tell you when I want to have sex?".

MAL'S wife replied in sign language, "if you want to have sex, nibble my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex nibble my left nipple twice".

With the ice broken, MAL'S wife asked the same question to her husband MAL.

MAL replied "darling, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex PULL MY PENIS 27 TIMES!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, MAL immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells MAL to return in two days for the results.

MAL returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

MAL looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

MAL screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice.
Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, MAL seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

MAL says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Aussie doctor!!!" " Aussie doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" MAL replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks... DICK FALL OFF BY ITSELF!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and "poof" she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and "poof" she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He
hands it back to her and says,... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by l,900 men in 6 months."

[magpie in the 80's]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would ! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that !" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God ! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that chance!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million dollars could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, WE'RE LIVING WITH 2 SLUTS AND A FAG!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to MAL, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

MAL replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

MAL'S wife stops. She is unable to look MAL in the eyes.
Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father.

"MAL was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know.

Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look MAL in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence

she slowly said, "YOU."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and a girl want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'LETTUCE,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'TOMATO,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "LETTUCE! LETTUCE! LETTUCE! Then, she shouts, "TOMATO! TOMATO! TOMATO! Then, she changes back to, "LETTUCE! LETTUCE! LETTUCE!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting MAYONNAISE all over me!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 and his wife took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "THE REST ARE FOR YOUR FATHER!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, BAYMAN made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on
their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, BAYMAN even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had alwaysloved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and made passionate love all night long.

Upon waking, BAYMAN and his new wife was ravenous so BAYMAN called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "MAKE THAT FIVE!!!!!"

[silicone skyline]

What do you call a bunny with something dead hanging out its ar$ehole?
A hugh hefner heart attack.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

MAL walks out.

A few days later, MAL again sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

Once again, MAL leaves the shop.

A week later, MAL sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

Again, MAL walks out.

The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey BAYMAN, follow that guy and see
where he goes."

A little while later, BAYMAN comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "BAYMAN, what's so funny and where did the guy go when he left here?"

BAYMAN replies ''TO YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help MAL with.

MAL said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

MAL agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and
the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses".

[magpie in the 80's]

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string
bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was touring Spain and stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

MAL, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, MAL returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "SI SENOR, BUT SOMETIMES THE BULL WINS!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered MAL'S butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally,MAL offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 years old.

She agreed.

MAL had been counting the years off on his calender, when one day the boy who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow!"

"I know, I know" said MAL with a smile."I've been counting too!"

"Now tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the LAST free meat she'll get from me... and watch the expression on her face!"

When the boy arrived home he told his mother what MAL had said. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I've also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years...and watch the expression on HIS FACE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green
tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbour and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?"

Her neighbour replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbour asks how it worked. "So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still
green but the cucumbers are all FIVE INCHES LONGER!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?"

She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he said.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said "That's right you are, better not eat any more turkey."

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey. I'm starting to get feathers down there too."

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got
THE NECK AND GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!"

[mal]

Warren T from Alberton walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

RATINGS PAGES 31-40 in the next lot of posts


Lizeagle produces a simple little gem

[mal]

PIG IN BULLBAR

Northern Territory farm-hand radios back to the farm
manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the
ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front
of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take
it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.

"I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in
the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I
still can't go on".

"Now what's the f...k'n problem?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light
is stuck under the right front wheel arch".

Strawb so so funny, one of your best

[mal]

Punk Rooster decides to take his missus somewhere special for her birthday and after a nanosecond of thought decides on Crazy Horse. After 2 weeks of convincing , missus finally agrees to go. Upon arrival at the venue they walk through the door to be greeted by MT79 the bouncer."Gday Punk " says MT79.Missus says "I thought you said you havent been here before"."Hes the barman at the golf club" replies Punk."Oh" replies missus. with a sigh of relief Punk escorts missus up the stairs' and they sit at a table.A couple of minutes later the waitress comes up to them and says "Gday Punk ,the usual neat triple scotch tonight is it ?.Missus says ,"How did she know that?" Punk replies "Oh shes the barmaid at the bowling club" "Oh" replies missus.Having escaped another tight squeeze Punk finally relaxes and he and the missus enjoy a great night until all of a sudden one of the "entertainers" jumps onto their table and says"Gday Punkrat just the usual $200 special?"Well, missus tips her spumante over Punk and storms out screaming "Youre nothing but a lowlife ,youre even lower than Mal"Punk runs after her saying"Wait,I can explain everything"'. "Piss off" screams missus as she opens the door of the double parked taxi waiting in Hindley st.Jumping in after her Punk says"If you calm down for a minute I can explain.""Go to hell you useless piece of shit",screams missus.Upon hearing this comotion in the back of his cab,KAYEF turns around and says"Jesus Punk you picked up a real bitch tonight"

Everytime I read this I just piss meself laughing
Kayeff only on the site briefly, but left us this absolute classic