BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

[Strawb]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

*Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[Strawb]

A teacher in the class on the ancient history asked a student,
"Who was the first man on the earth?"
"Adam."
"And to what severe punishment had God subjected him?"
"Eve."

[Booney]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done,
there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find
your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "The gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[bayman]

why do dogs lick their balls ?

























because they can

[Strawb]

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after they have a fight?






Move the furniture.

[Footy Chick]

It was entertainment night at the Old folks home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The old fogies became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean the room

[RustyCage]

How many students does it take to
change a lightbulb in Adelaide schools


Scotch College
Two - one to call the electrician and one to call their father to pay
the cheque.

St Peters
Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

CBC
Eleven - one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience
when he bends over.

Elizabeth High School
None - Elizabeth doesn't have electricity.

Concordia
Two - One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

St Ignatius
Just one. The school captain comes back after finishing year 12 and the headmaster stands by to congratulate him on his achievements.

Parafield Gardens High
None - looks better in the dark anyway.

Loreto
None - they're all too busy playing touch football, wearing their
pearls and their groundsmen will do it anyway.

UniSA
Seventy-six - one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the light
bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.

Gepps Cross Girls
None - These girls don't have time to change a lightbulb, they're too
busy looking up each others skirts.

Salisbury High
None - Salisbury looks better in the dark.

The Heights School
Eight - One to get the old one out, three to find a way to get it
working again and four to except and award for it.

Annesly
One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Cabra Dominican College
Twenty - one to change it and 19 to make a song and dance about the
emotion they went through while changing the lightbulb.

Prince Alfred College
Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Adelaide using that nuked
lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program.

St Aloysius
Five - One to change the lightbulb and four to find her the perfect
outfit to wear for the occasion.

Modbury Heights
Three - one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the
old one.

Rostrevor
Ten - one to change it, one back up if the first guy's too drunk and
the other eight to pray that it works.

Adelaide Uni
Four - one to change it, one to call Parliament about their progress,
and two to throw the old bulb at Flinders students.

Brighton High School
Two - one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how she did it as well as a private school student.

Mary MacKillop
Three - one to change it and the other two to stand up on chairs on
either side of her with cans of hairspray just in case of the emergency
that her 20cm high fringe drops 1cm.

Seaton High School
Five - one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance
about it.

St Michael's High School
None - they've finally learnt that when you're that stoned, light hurts
your eyes, so it's better just to leave it alone.

Trinity College
Nine Hundred - Changing a light bulb would be like going on an
excursion for these guys, so the whole school would turn up for the
celebration.

Pembroke
Eight - it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that
they're all violently twitching from too much stress.

Pulteney Grammar
None - No one wants to get their hands dirty.

St Peter's Girls
None - they are all too drunk to notice.

St Dominic's
None - It's not that they can't do it, they just look better with the
lights off.

OLSH
Thirty - 1 to call the electrician and 29 to flirt with him when he
arrives.

Sacred Heart
Ninteen- one to chage it and 18 to play footy when its done

Reynella East High School
Change them? Is that what they're meant to be used for?

Aberfoyle Park
Four - 2 to steal the new bulb, 1 to take out the old one and 1 to
throw it at passing cars.

Blackfriars
Fourteen - 2 to look out for a teacher while the other 12 see who can
piss high enough to reach it.

Thomas More College
Ten - 1 to change the light bulb, 2 to get smashed and drunk because of it and 7 more to "support" the person who is changing by cheering him on and giving them weed and shit.

St Paul's
Five - 1 to change the light bulb and the other 4 to bash him up cos
he's a fag.

Siena College
Four - one to change the light bulb, one to stare up her skirt while
she does it, one to hold the vodka bottle and the other to ring around
making bomb threats to St Michael's and searching for PAC parties - to
scab the free alcohol.

Daws Road
Eighty-Two - 1 to take the old lightbulb out and 81 to figure out how
to make it work again because they can't afford a new one.

St Mary's
Only one, but it takes 3 others to bitch-slap her because she was
getting all the attention.

Walford
Two - 1 to change the light, one to jump around because it's the most
exciting thing that's ever happened there.

Wilderness
Twenty - 1 to change it and 19 to bitch about it.

Mitcham Girls
Ten - 1 to change it, 4 to hold a memorial service for being such a
strong female lightbulb that did women-kind proud, and 5 to boast about how they didn't need a man to change their light.

Unley High
One - one uses his mobile to call someone else to fix it, the rest of
the boys are at shoppo, smoking and gelling their hair for when the
Siena buses arrive...

TAFE SA
Five - 4 to drop out of school in yr 10 and learn about changing light
bulbs and one lecturer to show them how

Norwood-Morialta High
Five - one to change it after the other 4 have organised a student
committee to look into lighting matters and how it affects students.
They then go on (sadly) about how great it is to be at the best
non-private high school in South Australia.

Marryatville
Twenty-one - one to change it, 20 to write a song about it.

Cabra
None - they couldnt afford to have lightbulbs anyway

Temple College
One Hundred - one to change the light bulb and 99 to praise and worship God for the life of the light bulb and to celebrate the new light bulb and have a huge service about the 'going out of the old and bringing in of the new'.

[mal]

CP the hypnotist watch the watch joke

Bayman came home so see his girlfriend in his unit.
As he came in she was there with her bags packed to leave him.
" IM LEAVING YOU, I FOUND OUT TODAY YOUR A PEDOPHILE."
" Gee thats a big word for a 9 year old....."

[magpie in the 80's]

CP the hypnotist watch the watch joke

Bayman came home so see his girlfriend in his unit.
As he came in she was there with her bags packed to leave him.
" IM LEAVING YOU, I FOUND OUT TODAY YOUR A PEDOPHILE."
" Gee thats a big word for a 9 year old....."

don't know what your smoking MAL but the hypnotist joke was by FC the same person who told the sausage joke which you also gave CP credit for.

[Footy Chick]

CP the hypnotist watch the watch joke
Bayman came home so see his girlfriend in his unit.
As he came in she was there with her bags packed to leave him.
" IM LEAVING YOU, I FOUND OUT TODAY YOUR A PEDOPHILE."
" Gee thats a big word for a 9 year old....."

hey that was my joke Mal!!

[mal]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooops

Any ratings on my Bayman joke

[Booney]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooops

Any ratings on my Bayman joke

Sorry mal,3.5,poor subject matter.Lucky to get the '3' in that rating BTW.

[magpie in the 80's]

A bus load of school girls on a picnic in England met with an accident and all went to heaven. The next day morning they were all waiting in line to enter the Pearly Gate. Saint Peter looked at the girls waving the cane and said “You are going to answer a question before you can enter.”

“Mary” he addressed the girl in front. “Have you ever come in contact with a man’s penis”. She got blushed and went red, but said meekly, “Father once I touched one with my finger tips”. “OK”, said Saint Peter, “Dip your finger in that holy water and go in.”

He asked the second girl, “Sandy, have you ever touched a man’s penis”. She too got blushed but said, “Yes father, once I took my boy friend’s dick in my hand”. “OK” said father Saint Peter. “Wash your hand in that holy water and go in.”

Suddenly there was a commotion in the line and the girl at the end came rushing through the line. “What seems to be the rush Lisa” Saint Peter asked. “Oh father I want to wash my mouth with that holy water before sarah "STICKS HER ASS IN IT!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Honey," said MAL to his wife, "I invited BAYMAN home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a real mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal either!"

"I know all that." said MAL

"Then why did you invite BAYMAN for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting MARRIED!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy
godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally MAL'S wife wanted for her and MAL to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the MAL'S turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. MAL paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! MAL WAS NOW A 90 YEAR OLD!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79(the young virgin farm boy) drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. MT finds one, and explains he has never had
sex before.

The hooker says, " No problem, Honey."

She undresses MT, then herself, and lies down on the bed. MT crawls on top of her.

"Okay, stick it in, Honey says the hooker... All the way in... Now pull it out... Now put it back in... Now pull it out... "

"Geeze!" shouts MT79. "WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, BAYMAN from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. MAL? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers Mrs.MAL.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says BAYMAN from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, Mrs.MAL tells MAL about the visit, and MAL, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
"What business is that of yours?" MAL shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?" said MAL
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" MAL asks.
"I don't know" said the clerk. "I GUESS SHE'D HAVE TO USE A CANDLE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL has a stuttering problem and tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a
world-renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines MAL and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

"Wa-wa-wa-what's the c-c-c-cure, d-d-d-doctor?" asks MAL.

"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.

MAL thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.

The operation is a success, and MAL stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on.

Not hearing anything on other end of the line, MAL repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"

Finally, the doctor responds, "**** YOU!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL being a typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want...and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

MAL'S new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be SEX here at seven o'clock every night - whether YOU'RE HERE OR NOT!!!!!"