BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such

ineptitude!"

"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?"

"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."

"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.

"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.

[Strawb]

1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...
6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!
11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

[mal]

What did the Italian man say when his doctor told him he had VD ?
" I think Ima goner here."

[JK]

This morning, on the way to work,I rear-ended a car at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway, the fella driving got out.......and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well which one are you, then?"

[Coorong]

This one is a practical joke I played on my neighbour many years ago when living in Morphett Vale (in behind the Emu's footy ground.

We were really close with one side, even had a gate through in the back, so they could come through for the pool. Our kids were all the same age and any summer w/e 30 plus teanagers in the water. Anyway Dean was a stickler for system. Every Saturday and Sunday he would walk out at exactly 6.10 am to get the paper having allready put on the toast and kettle...get my drift.

Well one Sunday I raced out and got my paper, left in wrapped in plastic and put it under the bed to keep out of sunlight. Exactly 6 months later, I am up at 5 am waiting for the delivery, old paper in hand. Raced out in jocks and swapped them. Ourt stolls Dean, 6.10 0n the dot, whistling, collects the paper and goes back inside. Still watching through the window, 10 minutes later he is out, in the car and off, only to return in 5 with a new paper. Pissed myself all day.

Later that afternoon, I called out dean, louise, come over for a drink. as always Dean arrives with two cans and (as always) louise arrives with a cask ready to play. (by the way everyone but Dean knew what I was up to)

Well,he is still ropeable and tells me what an idiot the newsagency is. He was reading about footy and its cricket season, saying to himself Ihave read all this old news before. Then he checked the date and the bloody paper is 6 months old. When they open in the morning I am down there and want a refund.

I said Dean I did that. By this time, our wives and kids are rolling on the deck and he cant work out whats going on, so I explained it was a practical joke, to which he replied "how is it funny" Then i lost it!

The ex still lives there and on the rare occaisions I go back, Deano in conversation will always ask, Why did you do that. I to this day (some 12 years on) still belly laugh at how he reacted.

[mighty_tiger_79]

i shudder on the thought that you lived in the same neighborhood!!!!!

[mal]

What would you throw to a Catholic Priest if he was drowning ?
A buoy

CP i liked the dwarf joke

VIEWS 39902
Below are my favourites on pages 11-20

[mal]

the army have realised they have too many officers, so they decide to offer an early retirement bonus.
they promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line from any 2 points of their body. the 1st officer PUNK ROOSTER, who accepted said "i like to be measured from the top of my head to the tips of my toes". PUNK ROOSTER being 6 foot tall walked a way with a bonus of $72,000. the 2nd officer BAYMAN who is a little bit smarter raises his hands above his head and says "i like to be measured from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes. BAYMAN walks away with a $96,000 bonus. now the 3rd officer MAL being even more smarter says "i like to be
measured from the tip of my penis to my testicles. well the guy giving out the bonuses says to MAL. "i think you should reconsider your measurements considering we ARE giving you a $1000 per inch" but MAL (being the the smart bloke he is)insisted only if the medical officer took the measurement. the medical officer arrived and ordered MAL to drop his pants.
which MAL with a big grin on his face obliged.the medical officer placed the tape at the tip of his penis and started to work back
"MY GOD" said the medical officer "WHERE ARE YOUR TESTICLES"

to which MAL replies calmly "IN VIETNAM"

Terrific punch line
Genuine archival gag
ANOTHER m80 classic

[mal]

a man walks up to his co-worker and compliments her on how her hair smells nice. straight a way the woman marches into the bosses office wanting to file for sexual harrassment against this guy. "well hold on there a minute " said the boss "why would you want to file for sexual harrassment. when this guy complimented on how your hair smells so nice." "pretty simple " said the woman " HE'S A MIDGET"

Funny
Good one for the office workers

[mal]

MAL went on a business trip to HANSON ROAD.

he saw a hooker and asked "how much for a hand job?" hooker replied $100
"that's a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that mercedes there i paid for that giving hand jobs"

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best hand job ever.

next day MAL see's the same hooker and asks "how much for a head job?" hooker says $200 for a head job.
"thats a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that big yacht there i paid for that giving head jobs."

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best head job ever.

so on the last day MAL was on HANSON ROAD he saw the hooker and says "the hand job was great, the head job was excellent, how much for the whole package. the hooker replied $1000. "$1000 thats a bit rich" said MAL

the hooker pulled him a side and said " see delfin island way way over there"... "i could afford that if i had a PUSSY!!!!"

The greatest Hanson Road joke weve have seen

[mal]

MAL has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "you're on my list, but I have no
room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have
to let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who
leaves."

MAL thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Bayman and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" MAL shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, And I
don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was magpies in the 80's with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer,! over and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented MAL.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, MAL saw mighty_tiger_79 lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was a Hanson Road Hooker doing what she does best.

MAL looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said to the Hanson Road Hooker "Ok, you're free to go!"

Hanson road classic
well presented , great punch line

[mal]

MAL (a professional punter) died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Bayman and MT79 (also professional punters), were sent
for.

Bayman went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Bayman said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Bayman looked and said, "Nope, it ain't MAL".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
MT79 into identify the body.
MT79 took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and MT79 looked down and said, "No, it ain't MAL".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
MT79 said, "Well, MAL had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes MAL with them two arseholes...."

Hopw could you not laugh at this one
The characters used really made it a funnier joke

[mal]

one day superman is real horny and see's wonder woman sunbathing on a beach naked.

he's got an idea....."they've always said that i'm faster than a speeding bullet. so he zooms down and f...cks her in a flash and is gone without a trace. all of a sudden wonder woman sits up and says "what was that????"

then the invisible man gets up from between her legs and says "I DON"T KNOW BUT IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!"

Its so stupid that its funny

[mal]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to
answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the
peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove
the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father
blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him
into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother
turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn't he
intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

MW sneaks in with a worthy one

[mal]

MAL really wanted to screw this girl at work. but alas she belonged to someone else. one day MAL got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "i"ll give you $500 if you let me screw you" the girl quite rightly said "NO"

MAL said "but i'll be real fast, i'll through the money on the floor,you bend down, and i'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

she thought for a moment and said to MAL she would have to consult her boyfriend. so she rang him and he said if this guy MAL is willing to give you $500 then ask for a $1000. pick the money up real fast, MAL won't have time to pull his pants down.

so she tells MAL i accept your proposal but its gonna cost you $1000. so 5 minutes goes by and the boyfriend hasn't heard how it went from his girlfriend. half hour later and still he hasn't heard anything. an hour later still nothing. 2 hours, nothing.

then finally 3 hours later she gives her boyfriend a ring. he asks "why has it taken so long?"

to which his girlfriend says "THE BASTARD(MAL) USED COINS!!!"

Hillarious
Joke was average, the punch line was the good part
M80 just continues to produce the gags
You should have written the scripts for Graham Kennedy

[mal]

a woman brings her parrot to the vet. the parrot is still and lifeless.

"i'm sorry ma'am but your parrot's dead." said the vet. "how can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman "isn't there a way to be absolutely sure!!" so the vet whistle's and this black labrador walks into the examining room. the lab sniff's around the parrot for a few minutes, then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

"a dog sniff's and shakes his head and i'm suppose to believe that!!" cries the woman.
"your going to have to do more to prove to me that my parrot is dead!!!"

so the vet leaves the room for a few minutes and then comes back with a cat and places it next to the parrot.
the cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit then shakes it's head and hops off the table.

finally the woman seems convinced. as she turns for the door the vet tells her she owes him $500.
"how in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot's dead?!!!" yells the woman.

"well it would have been a lot cheaper,....... but with THAT LAB REPORT AND THE CAT SCAN......"

nice clean and great ending

[mal]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See . He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok.

This is a gem for all us MALe chauvinist pigs
well done redlegger

[mal]

farmer MAL goes out one day and buys a brand new stud (PUNK) ROOSTER for his chickens.

the cocky young (PUNK) ROOSTER walks over to the old rooster and says "o.k. old fella, time to retire." the old rooster says " you can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me."

the young (PUNK) ROOSTER replies "now don't give me a hassle about this old man. it's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

the old rooster says "awe come on, just let me have those 2 old boilers over there in the corner. i won't bother you "

the young (PUNK) ROOSTER snarls "scram!! beat it!! your all washed up!! i'm taking over!!!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young (PUNK) ROOSTER " i'll tell you what, young fellow, i'll have a race around the farm house with you. who ever wins the race will have full domain over the chicken coop." the young (PUNK) ROOSTER smiles "you KNOW i'm gonna beat you old man, so just to make it fair, i'll give you a head start."

the 2 roosters line up in back of the farm house. a hen cluck's "GO" and the old rooster scampers off running. about 5 seconds later the young (PUNK) ROOSTER takes off after him. they round the front of the farm house and the young (PUNK) ROOSTER is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

farmer MAL, sitting on the porch and hearing all the commotion looks up and see's what's going on. quickly he grabs his shot gun and BOOM the young (PUNK) ROOSTER is shot to smithereens!! farmer MAL sadly shakes his head in disgust:

"DAMN!!! THAT MAKES THE 3RD GAY ROOSTER I BOUGHT THIS WEEK!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha what a cock up

[mal]

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "Me feet are freezin, mate. Do ya tink you could pop upstars and grab me slippers?"
"Sure ting." Murphy replies and runs up the stairs only to see Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters relaxing on their beds.
"Hello dere girls. Your Da's sent me up here to shag you both."
"Fook off ya liar." they respond.
"I'll prove it." says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs " both of them Paddy?"
"Of course" answers Paddy, " whats the use of fookin' one?"

Tractor bulldozers his way in with a gem of a gag
love the punchline

[mal]

Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free...

Short sweet appropriate and of course a typical Punk joke