BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[cruzn9]

i have heaps of classic's but this one tops the cake.

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax . Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then
He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in
the box."

[Ian]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.




4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog

[RustyCage]

[URL="http://www.explosm.net/comics/850/"]
[/URL]
Cyanide & Happiness @ [url="http://www.explosm.net/"]Explosm.net[/url]

[RustyCage]

[RustyCage]

[RustyCage]

[RustyCage]

[RustyCage]

[magpie in the 80's]

MORE JOKES TO FOLLOW ONCE MAL GETS BACK NEXT WEEK AND RATES THESE OLD ONES

[mighty_tiger_79]

MAL should be back by now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RustyCage]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

[JK]

I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

[mal]

I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

RATING 8-9

[mal]

MAL and BAYMAN were camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, MAL says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." BAYMAN agrees and hikes south. MAL hikes north.

That night over dinner, MAL tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

BAYMAN says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," MAL says, "did she give you a blow job?"

"Well no," says BAYMAN, "I COULDN'T FIND HER HEAD!!!!!!"

RATING 9-2

ONLY MR 66 COULD COME CLOSE TO A VERY VERY SICK JOKE LIKE THIS

[mal]

RATINGS
-----------

MAGPIE 80S [how do you keep coming up with these jokes]

INDIAN CONDOMS 8-2
NEW BORN BABY 7-4
HORSES 7-3
MOTHER IN TOWN 7-4
QUEEN KING 7-3
MT SHIT PANTS 7-8
TURN THE PAGE 8-7 an absolute gem, I love those sickly ones
BEARD 7-5
HATE THURSDAYS 7-4
INTO PANTIES 7-3
UNDERTAKER 7-3
GORILLA HEADACHE 8-3 loved it
SCREWING 7-7
SAME COW 7-7
EAR PISSING 7-2
COULDNT FIND HER HEAD 9-2[as quoted above]
MOOSE 7-5
2 NUTS 7-4
GOATS 7-9 funny
PRIEST BISHOP 8-0
23/73 YO 7-3
UP AND DOWN 7-4
ELEPHANT PENIS 7-5
PUSSY WILLOW 7-3
NUN TWICE 7-5
_______________________________________________________________________________

KAHUNA
-----------

HOOKER CARTOON 8-3 owe you a meal at GDP for that one

________________________________________________________________________________

CONSTANCE PERM
----------------------

LITTLE JOHNNY 7-5
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 8-9 [REFER QUOTE] still laughing

________________________________________________________________________________

BAYMAN
----------

13YO HORSE 7-8 not too bad[no sherwood ralph jokes please]

________________________________________________________________________________

SNAGGLETOOTH TIGER
----------------------------

COUSINS GRAM 7-6

_________________________________________________________________________________

CRUZN9
----------

FROSTED FLAKES 7-6

_____________________________________________________________________________________

PAFC [some good material as usual]
------

SCRAECROW 7-5
CARPENTER 7-5
CHICKEN 7-4
911 CARTOON 8-2
DREAM GIRLS ***********************************DIDNT GET IT ************************
SQUIDS 7-5
DATING SUSAN FUNNY 8-2

_______________________________________________________________________________________

IAN
-----
CAT DOG 7-7

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Great work all
A mate of mine logs on and loves them says its the best joke pages he has seen
keep up the good work
magpie/pafc continue to amaze.

34069 VIEWS

[Mr66]

What's pink and seven dents in it?

[mal]

What's pink and seven dents in it?

WhAt ? ?

[Mr66]

Snow Whites' hymen

[mal]

Snow Whites' hymen

That is a great debut MR66 you never ever disapoint me

RATING 8-5

[JK]

Old bloke goes to the doctor complaining of the odd chest pain, Doc runs some tests then tells his patient "Ok, there's some mild murmurings there but nothing to get too concerned about" ... Hands the old fella a bottle of pills and says "Now, it's really important you follow my instructions, take two today (Monday), two on Tuesday, skip Wednesday, Two again on Thursday, skip Friday and skip Saturday - Be aware that if you take too many they could kill you ... I'll pop around when you've finished just to check on how you're feeling"

Week Passes ..........................................................................................................................................................

Doc heads around to the old blokes home the following week and is greeted at the door by a tearful old lady, "Oh hello, I was wondering if Mr Johnson was home?", old dear replies "*sniff* no, unfortunately my husband passed away on Sunday *sob*"

Doc looks forlorn and surprised "Don't tell me, he exceeded the dose and his heart gave out didn't it?"

Old Dear responds "*Sniff* No, I think it was all that skipping that did it"