BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," MAL replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." MAL said.

"We do not use language like that here", she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong
with your ear or whatever."

MAL walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," MAL stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"

MAL replied "I CAN'T PISS OUT OF IT!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN were camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, MAL says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." BAYMAN agrees and hikes south. MAL hikes north.

That night over dinner, MAL tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

BAYMAN says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," MAL says, "did she give you a blow job?"

"Well no," says BAYMAN, "I COULDN'T FIND HER HEAD!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two hunters MAL and MT79 went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close
enough, MAL in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, MT79 in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

MAL in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, BUT YOU BETTER BRACE YOURSELF!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two boy scouts MAL and BAYMAN went on a nature hike in the hills picking nuts. Along the way, they filled their small buckets and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. MAL and BAYMAN decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

MAL and BAYMAN sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. MAL and BAYMAN then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy MT79 was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see MAL and BAYMAN, because they were obscured by the tree. MT79 hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"SCD SCD " he yelled as he entered the house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" SCD asked.

"No time to explain," MT79 frantically panted. "Follow me!"

MT79 and SCD ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road
and all fell silent for a few moments. Then SCD asked MT79 what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" MT79 whispered. Both MT79 and SCD listened intently and heard MAL and BAYMAN. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

MT79 then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

SCD was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as MAL and BAYMAN completed dividing out the nuts MAL said to
BAYMAN, "NOW AS SOON AS WE GET THOSE 2 NUTS DOWN BY THE ROAD,WE'LL HAVE THEM ALL!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the professor at the University of Adelaide is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, MAL asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

MT79 in the back raises his hand. Professor MAL is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience."

MT79 replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

Professor MAL says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

MT79 replies, "GHOST?!? I THOUGHT YOU SAID GOATS!!!!.'"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. THE ARCHBISHOP IS YOUR FATHER!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A gorgeous young 23 y.o. lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.

So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When MAL emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

MAL the elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, AND THE SMELL OF BURNING RUBBER!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when theycame upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up
or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the
gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'F....K OR DROWN!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN was having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

BAYMAN, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" BAYMAN asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

BAYMAN thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, BAYMAN takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, BAYMAN reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, BAYMAN says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll UP MY ASS!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Old MAL sitting on his front porch at 6 a.m. watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old MAL says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Catch some chickens."

Old MAL yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to old MAL'S surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old MAL is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old MAL yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old MAL says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."

Old MAL yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to old MAL'S amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning old MAL sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old MAL says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old MAL says "HOLD ON I'LL GET MY HAT!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A nun was walking along a lonely path when MT79 jumped out from behind some bushes, grabbed her, and had his way with her. After MT79 was done, he said, "Well, sister, now that I have had my way with you, what will you tell your God?"

"I will say"; replied the nun, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.I was walking along a lonely path, when a man jumped out from behind some bushes, grabbed me and had his way with me, twice..."

"what do you mean twice?" asks MT79

"WELL,"; said the nun, looking at him, "IF YOU'RE NOT TIRED!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS JOKES

PRIEST 7.5
HALF INCH 7.3

[mal]

BAYMAN and MAL were chatting in primary school, BAYMAN asks a question.
" MAL watcha gunna be when you leave school ?"
" Im going to be a Proffessional Punter, whattabout you BAYMAN whatcha gunna be when you leave school?"
" 28."

[bayman]

peter dammarell

[bayman]

there was a 13 yo horse having its first start in a group 1 race at flemington it has been backed off the map its price has been slashed from 2000/1 into 5/2 & favourite, the race starts & the horse bolts in by 36 lengths & smashes the track record by 6 seconds, immediately the stewards order 'hold all tickets' they take samples from the horse, they order all connections into the stewards room, the stewards start asking ?'s & as they get to the ? of why would you put a 13 yo old horse in a group 1 race ? the reply was because its worth more $ than a maiden, then the ? asked is why were you so confident about winning this race ? because he is the quickest horse we've ever had, well then why did you wait until it was 13 yo to race ? the reply was because we couldn't catch it until it was 12

[mal]

A persistent Indain telemarketer was on the phone to me for ages, I was getting shitty.
He was half way through a conversation asking:
" SIR WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR MAGNIFICENT PRODUCT.?"
" Ill tell you in a sec mate if you answer my question."
" YES SIR PLEASE CONTINUE."
" Mate would you agree a donkey hangs down with a twelve inch penis?"
" YES I CERTAINLY WOULD HONOURABLE SIR."
" Right then mate what hangs up with a twelve inch penis?"
" WHY SIR I DONT KNOW THE ANSWER WHAT IS IT?"
..CLICK.

[JK]

Old one I know, but received it via email again today and still had a chuckle (apologies if already posted but I wasn't gonna wade through 34 pages to find out):

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a

Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to

get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first

person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the
teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be. That

is the question," asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Ng at the front of the class called out,"Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off"

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to

study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,"

said Little Pham Lam Ng.

"Well okay," said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I have a dream!

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was

Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time

offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on

Monday studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F#^*ing Asians!"

"Who said that?" the teacher exclaimed.

"Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!!"

[devilsadvocate]

Ben Cousins has been suspended indefinately by the West Coast Eagles.

The club released a statement saying Ben has a bad case of white line fever.

[Snaggletooth Tiger]

BROWNLOW MEDAL NIGHT
Master of ceremonies Eddie McGuire takes the stand & announces the results for Round 17...

"St. Kilda versus Carlton
Nick Dal Santo... 2 votes
Jason Gram..."

Instantly West Coast illEagles Ben Cousins ears prick up & he slurs
"I wouldn't say I was 'chasing' one Ed... But is it cool if I bludge a taste?"

[mal]

Michael GARDINER
Ben COUSINS
Chad FLETCHER
in a car whos driving ?
































the police