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[Lunchcutter]

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls
for the South Australian market:


"Golden Grove Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Village . She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without
tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
the augmented version.


"Mawson Lakes Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Mazda MPS and
matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


"Para Hills Barbie "
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a F100 with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This
model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash
(preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we
don't know what you are talking about.


"Burnside Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2. Included are her own cappucino cup, credit card and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.



"Port Adelaide Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a Power t-shirt and dragon tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
six-pack of VB and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet
and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her XF
falcon ,different colour panels optional, separately and get a Jim
Beam bumper sticker absolutely free. ( this model also available in
limited edition for Elizabeth, Hackham and Murray Bridge.)


"Unley Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Xenical
prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.



" Marion Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


"Semaphore Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the
optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.



"Salisbury Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a Centrelink life member form and bus pass.
Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Commodore were available, but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant and a 10% off sale
at Supercheap.



"Port Lincoln Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's
always out fishing.



"Mars Bar Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by
simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.












______________________________________________________________________

[BenchedEagle]

Warren T from Alberton walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[Strawb]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly

her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell
is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving with you in the damn car."

[Strawb]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Strawb]

A couple of New Zealand deer hunters are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead".

There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:
"OK, now what?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus
and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just
insulted me!" The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off -
go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

[Strawb]

Four elderly friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of
the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes
of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment for
you ."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[Strawb]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the
other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't qui te remember who the f*** you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky

[Strawb]

PIG IN BULLBAR

Northern Territory farm-hand radios back to the farm
manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the
ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front
of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take
it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.

"I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in
the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I
still can't go on".

"Now what's the f...k'n problem?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light
is stuck under the right front wheel arch".

[Strawb]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named
Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on
about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have
you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed
off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her
predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife
answered and was told that her husband's client had
been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing
what a day he must have had, she relented a little and
went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by
the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over
naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically,
"For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"

[Strawb]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt
was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a MAL who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

Mal smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[kayef]

Punk Rooster decides to take his missus somewhere special for her birthday and after a nanosecond of thought decides on Crazy Horse. After 2 weeks of convincing , missus finally agrees to go. Upon arrival at the venue they walk through the door to be greeted by MT79 the bouncer."Gday Punk " says MT79.Missus says "I thought you said you havent been here before"."Hes the barman at the golf club" replies Punk."Oh" replies missus. with a sigh of relief Punk escorts missus up the stairs' and they sit at a table.A couple of minutes later the waitress comes up to them and says "Gday Punk ,the usual neat triple scotch tonight is it ?.Missus says ,"How did she know that?" Punk replies "Oh shes the barmaid at the bowling club" "Oh" replies missus.Having escaped another tight squeeze Punk finally relaxes and he and the missus enjoy a great night until all of a sudden one of the "entertainers" jumps onto their table and says"Gday Punkrat just the usual $200 special?"Well, missus tips her spumante over Punk and storms out screaming "Youre nothing but a lowlife ,youre even lower than Mal"Punk runs after her saying"Wait,I can explain everything"'. "Piss off" screams missus as she opens the door of the double parked taxi waiting in Hindley st.Jumping in after her Punk says"If you calm down for a minute I can explain.""Go to hell you useless piece of shit",screams missus.Upon hearing this comotion in the back of his cab,KAYEF turns around and says"Jesus Punk you picked up a real bitch tonight"

[magpie in the 80's]

It was MAL the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When MAL had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", MAL said; "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "THE BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your INJUN RUNNING!!!!'."

[magpie in the 80's]

Mrs. MAL hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. MAL tells her husband MAL. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. MAL asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. MAL pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. MAL says to her husband MAL, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

MAL says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had BAYMAN, SCD, and MT79 in the closet with me!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple SCD and his wife go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband SCD says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and SCD is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

SCD answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and SCD takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

SCD comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that SCD opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

SCD beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED !!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking MAL,"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

MAL gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

MAL looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

MAL replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company.!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A large, powerfully built PUNK meets a woman at a bar, and after several drinks, they go back to his place. As they are getting ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After PUNK takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

PUNK drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, PUNK drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. PUNK catches her before she is able to leave, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that MAL was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 48 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,and is mean to your children."

MAL'S wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance! As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to MAL. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.

But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until MAL removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman MAL had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, MAL started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but MAL finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

"WOULD YOU MIND TAKING THE DOG FOR A WALK!!!!!!"