BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and MT79 are bungee jumping one day.

MAL says to MT79 "You know, we can make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." MT79 thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need-a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

So, they travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.

MT79 jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, MAL notices that MT79 has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, MAL isn't able to catch him, MT79 falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time MT79 is bruised and bleeding. Again, MAL misses him. MT79 falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious

Luckily, MAL finally catches MT79 this time and says "What happened? Was the cord too long?" MT79 says "No, the cord was fine but WHAT THE F...CK IS A PINATA!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells MAL to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So MAL'S wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with MAL anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks
me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take the 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are
we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take the 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take the 'or what'.

So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell MAL or WHAT?!!!!!"

[bayman]

well the police rounded up mal,mt79 & m80's & as they were all being quizzed & getting nowhere, they (cops) decided perhaps the physcologist could determine if the hiding something or just plain stupid & needed to be put in an asylem for mental treatment so in goes mal first & the doc says to mal you can decide what to use to empty this bath as quickly as possible i've filled as part of your tests today, you can choose how to empty it, here is a thimble, a glass & a bucket

mal looks & thinks & says you cant fool me doc i'll use the bucket
then it was mt's turn & mt ponders it & says i'd use the bucket doc
then it was m80's turn he said to the doc i've got two hands i'll use the bucket & the glass to empty the bath

all 3 outside were discussing what happened & what they did & all were pretty happy when the doc called all 3 in & said i asked you all to show how you can empty the bath as quickly as possible & you all failed then m80's pipe up & said no not me i used both the glass & bucket which the doc replied yes it was quicker than the other two but not the quickest way to empty the bath
so almost at once all 3 said well how do you empty a bath quicker than that ? & the doc said
by pulling the plug !!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

Three old men MAL, MT79 and BAYMAN are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

MAL says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All Day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

MT79 says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally BAYMAN speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I WAKE UP!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the footy on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the footy with my SON IN LAW!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

SCD, BAYMAN and MAL went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

Whilst walking around the course SCD's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! SCD stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

“Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that SCD thrust his hand into his pocket and said"Here's a tenner, go to MYERS and get some knickers."

Two holes further on BAYMAN's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! BAYMAN stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of under garments.

Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that BAYMAN thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on MAL's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! MAL stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department.

"Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that MAL thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb, AT LEAST YOU CAN TIDY YOURSELF UP A BIT!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. MAL said to BAYMAN "That gal is having a bad time!"

BAYMAN agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said MAL, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.

MAL said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the rear end. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

walking back to BAYMAN, MAL said "Funny how that "HIND LICK MANEUVER" always works!!!!"

[mal]

RATINGS TIME
-------------------

MAG80
^^^^^

PURPLE 7-5
MISSISSIPPI 8-2 clever
LARA BINGLE 8-6 sick but funny
LIQUID SOAP 7-4
SUNBURN 7-3
BACON SLICER 7-5
2 WARNINGS 7-3
TOILET PAPER 7-8
CARDS 7-5
TOASTS 7-7
$75 LOAN 8-3 one for mt79 !!!
SCUBA DIVING 7-6
15 FARTS 8-0
PINOLA 7-4
OR WHAT 7-3
3 OLD MEN 8-1
SON ON LAW 8-4 HAHAHAHAHA
GOLF 7-5
HANDLICK 8-0 clever

Great batch MAGPIE

BAYMAN
^^^^^^

PLUG 7-7 good one but ya gotta crack an 8+

VIEWS 21575

[mal]

A Punk single man put this advertisement in the local paper.

#####################
A tall well built woman with good
reputation who will cook froggys
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden,classic music and tal-
king without getting very serious.
#####################

Suitable applicants must only read 'between the lines'
Those best suited read lines one, three and five only.

[mal]

How does MAL hold his liquor
BY THE EARS

[mal]

What is an Irish lesbian
GAELIC

[mal]

18 JEWS GOT INJURED LAST NIGHT.
Two Taxis had a head on colision

[mal]

Times were very hard for MT and his wife
They pawned off her 'jewels' to pay the rent.
Things were very tough money wise so MT sent his wife to work as a hooker on Hanson Road.
She arrived home in the early hours
" HOW MUCH DD YOU MAKE LAST NIGHT "
" I took $50 and 50 cents."
" WHOSE THE ******* SCAB WHO GAVE YOU 50 CENTS. "
" All of them...."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL

PUNK:7.9
EARS:7.5
LESBO'S:7.8
TAXI:7.3
MT WIFE:8.0 LIKED IT A LOT

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN, MIGHTY TIGER, AND MAL were at the races one day.
We were all nearly broke so we rounded up our loose change and pooled our finances.
We scrounged up $20 in coins.
We had heated discussions as to what nag to put the $20 on.
Eventually I told MT + BAYMAN that I had an idea and said :
"Lets go to the toilet and pull out our cocks and then I will measure the
inches and then whatever it adds up to we can back that numbered horse."
MT + BAYMAN agree
Inside the loo I pull out my slug its 6 inches, MT pulls out 3 inches and BAYMAN
a liitle 1 inch cock.
6+3+1 = 10 inches
So I go to the bookie and put $20 at 50/1 on number 10
It leads and wins, we are ecstatic, yooooooooooou beauty we collect $1020 !!!!!!!
I collect the loot and throw $20 on the bar and then split the $1,000.
I gave myself $600
Gave MT $300
Gave BAYMAN $100
BAYMAN throws a tantrum
" How come you get $600 MT $300 and all I get is $100."
I explained.
" I get $600 for my 6 inches, MT gets$300 for his 3 inches + you get $100 for your
pitiful embarrasing 1 inch dick."
BAYMAN erupts :
" Thats bullshit and besides, If didnt have a stiffy we would have backed number 9."

###########################################################


P
S

Im glad PUNK wasent there we would have backed number 24

MAL I LIKED IT 8.0

[mal]

Times were very hard for MT and his wife
They pawned off her 'jewels' to pay the rent.
Things were very tough money wise so MT sent his wife to work as a hooker on Hanson Road.
She arrived home in the early hours
" HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE LAST NIGHT "
" I took $50 and 50 cents."
" WHOSE THE f****** SCAB WHO GAVE YOU 50 CENTS. "
" All of them...."

[Punk Rooster]

Bayman & Mal are at the TAB...
"Bayman if you knew a rogue country was going to bomb and destroy the whole world and you only had three hours left, what would you do ?"
"Well Mal, I would root anything that moves,what would you do?"
"I would stand perfectly still..."

[mal]

REB played first class cricket for 3 years.
HE FAILED GRADE ONE 3 TIMES

[mal]

PUNK was drinking with his North Adelaide mates at the Northern Tavern.
One of the lads gave a challenge to PUNK.
" Ill betcha ya cant drink 25 whiskeys in 25 minutes."
PUNK took the challenge and bet against everyone in the pub.
" Lads I will just slip out for half an hour before I take up the challenge."
PUNK came back in a half an hour, took the bets and skulled 25 whiskeys in 25 minutes.
The lads were amazed and duly paid up.
One lad WEDGIE came up and asked PUNK.
" PUNK you took our money fair and square but I have to ask you
where did you go for that half an hour?"
" Elimentary my friend before I could accept all those bets I
went around the corner to the Grand North Pub to make sure I could do it."

[Punk Rooster]

Kayef was watching from his taxi, when all of a sudden, a Glenelg barracker was besieged by
4 young skinheads, and started to cop a hiding.
An onlooker rushed up and asked Kayef to help the Glenelg barracker.
Kayef ignored him, stayed seated in his Taxi, and watched the beating.
Shortly after, 4 North Adelaide Grog Squad members joined in the bashing of the Glenelg supporter.
This time an elderly gent approched Kayef and asked-
"Driver, arent you going to f***ing help ?"
Kayeff replied- "Nah mate, those 8 blokes are doing the job well enough by themselves..."