BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Movies, TV Shows, Fringe, etc.

Postby Punk Rooster » Tue Feb 20, 2007 8:29 am

A man with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburg and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and

says, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was the ticket agent. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch!"
Ralph Wiggum wrote:That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things

Ken Farmer>John Coleman

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Postby scoob » Tue Feb 20, 2007 10:04 am

MAL comes home to find his beautiful blonde girl friend with a gun to her head..."DONT DO IT" MAL screams...she turns to him and says "shut the F@#K up.... your next...."
Last edited by scoob on Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby devilsadvocate » Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:26 pm

Interesting Facts:

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
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Postby Dutchy » Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:33 am

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "take another drink"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh!
Plip!Plop!! Two arms pop out

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!"

The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing
glasses,shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he
reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
pop
out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the
right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over
him
and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Wait for it)







(It's coming)















(You ready?)









(Don't hate me)








(Your gonna hate me)









(Take a deep breath)








He should've quit while he was a head!"
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Postby Kahuna » Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:18 pm

Hope this hasn't been posted already but my mate just sent it to me and I thought it was quite good.




Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "@rse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song " We've got the Power to win, the Power to
rule.........."
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
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Postby mal » Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:57 pm

magpie in the 80's wrote:MAL goes to his doctor for a checkup. "I don't know how to tell you this," says the doctor, "But you're going to die. You have six months to live before you die."

When poor MAL gets home, he tells his wife he has AIDS and has six months to live. MAL goes out for a beer, gets pissed drunk, and tells all his mates MT79, BAYMAN, SCD, AH, PUNK and WEDGIE he has AIDS and only six months left.

Two days later, MAL meets his doctor on the street. "I see you've come to terms with your terminal condition," says the doctor, "Everyone in town is talking about it. But tell me, why are you telling everyone you have AIDS, when it's a brain tumor that's killing you?"

"Oh," says MAL, "I've come to terms with dying, but I don't want anyone of my mates ...F....CKING MY WIFE AFTER I'M GONE!!!!" :shock:


That ladies and gentlemen is an absolute classic.
RATING 9-0 :lol:

RATINGS
-----------

MAG80
********

DOORBELL 7-3
GOOD MANNERS 7-5
DON KING 8-0 \:D/
POTATO 7-9
NIPPLES 7-8
BEARD 7-3
FRUIT FLY 7-3
12'' PIANIST 8-8 :P a real gem this one, classic
SMALL WORLD 7-5
PARROTS 7-2
DONT STOP 8-5 :goodman: classic MALe joke
FIRST DATE 7-4
RED LIGHTS 8-3 :lol: funny funny funny
JAR 8-0 :wink: very good
SUPPLIES 7-1
AIDS 9-0 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ONE OF THE VERY BEST

magpie your a very funny man

STRAWB 07
***********

ARABS 7-8
CAB DRIVER 7-5
STAFF 7-5
NEW PREIST 7-6
THINGY 7-5
ENGLISH 7-4

good batch strawbs, you have to find a 8+, i can feel it coming, well done


PAFC
******

ADEL UTD 7-9
GOLFING 7-6
PACK BAGS 8-0 :heart: not bad

SCOOB
*********

DONT DO IT 7-5


PUNK ROOSTER
**************

BLACK EYES 7-5


DEVILS ADVOCATE
*****************

1981 8.5 =D> =D> =D> VERY VERY GOOD

DUTCHY
*********

QUIT HEAD 8-4 :vom: but very funny

KAHUNA
********

ARSEHOLES 8-2 :lol: :lol: appropriate



Great batch of jokes, well done
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:20 pm

A "just married" White couple(MAL and his wife) decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel. MAL'S wife did not want to get pregnant and requested MAL to buy condoms from the shop nearby.

MAL had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only a 20 cent coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So MAL took the black condom as he had only 20 cents.

MAL'S wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. While MAL'S wife was dreaming about her first night, a Black thief came into the room. MAL'S wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing. MAL'S wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When MAL reached the hotel room, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, MAL jumped onto her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that MAL was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, MAL'S wife gave birth to a Black baby girl. When the girl grew up, she asked her father.

"daddy, why am I Black and you are White?"

MAL shouted "You are damn lucky, if I had 5 cents more ,you would have been PURPLE!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby mighty_tiger_79 » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:24 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D> =D> =D> =D>

i thought this was a jokes thread, not MALS biography!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Matty Wade is a star and deserves more respect from the forum family!
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:25 pm

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella MISSISSIPPI!!!!." :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:39 pm

There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes and sinks. Six people, one woman (lara bingle) and five men (MT79, MAL, BAYMAN, SCD, and DUTCHY survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island.

After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely-sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement; each man will marry lara bingle for a week. So MT79 has her for one week then MAL has her for the second week, and so on.

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and LARA gets sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, LARA dies!!!

The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week is just awful, it's getting so bad.

Soooooo.... on the sixth week...............THE BOYS DECIDED TO BURY HER!!!!!! :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:49 pm

One morning 2 priests (MT79 and MAL) head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.

Father MT79 decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. MT79 checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.

The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on MT79's dick. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims "I got a bar of soap".

The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of MT79's dick and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it.

The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to MT79's dick, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I GOT LIQUID HAND SOAP!!!! :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:55 pm

MT79 finally won a date with the blonde female of some what questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, MT79 went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, MT79 fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But MT79 was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and MT79 treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, MT79'S sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what MT79 was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dick immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "SO THAT'S HOW YOU GUYS LOAD THOSE THINGS!!!!! :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:04 pm

MT79 goes to the Doctor and says that he has a serious sexual problem. When asked to give details, MT79 says that for a very long time he has been wanting to put his penis in the bacon slicer. The doctor is astounded, and gives MT79 some pills and instructs him to take one every day and to then come back and see him in a week.

A week later MT79 returns and the Doctor asks him how things went, to which MT79 replies that he couldn't resist the urge and finally just had to put his penis in the bacon slicer. A little worried, the Doctor asks to take a look
MT79'S penis, but on inspection he can find nothing wrong with it.

"There's nothing wrong with you, what about the bacon slicer?" asks the Doctor.

to which MT79 replies "I DONT KNOW, HE RAN AWAY!!!" :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:18 pm

MT79 applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?"he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said MT79, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." MT79 continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze
plaque set in the ground.

MT79 bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... YOU'VE HAD 2 WARNINGS!!!!!!" :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:32 pm

MAL goes shopping in a supermarket, brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.

The cashier(MT79) asked, "MAL, do you have a dog?" "Yes." replied MAL. "Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." MAL answered. "Sorry," MT79 said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day MAL returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked MT79. "Yes," MAL said, "but I left him home." "Sorry," MT79 said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day MAL walked into the store with a brown paper bag. Hewalked up to the cashier(MT79) and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."

MT79 put his hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"

to which MAL replied, "I'D LIKE 3 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER!!!!!!" :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:18 pm

MAL'S wife was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend MT79.

all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was MAL, but don't worry.

He won't be home for a while.... He's playing cards with YOU!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:58 pm

Having their wedding reception in the same hotel, the two grooms, MAL and MT79, are having a few beers together at the bar.

"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make love to yours" says MAL.

"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours" says MT79.

"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has won?" says MAL.

"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order the same number of slices of toast as number of times you
made love." says MT79.

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order.

MAL leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast" he smiles, winking at MT79.

MT79 leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of
them BROWN!!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:04 pm

The new hooker from hanson road just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome and his name was M80's. "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

M80's said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job" M80's agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " M80's pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! "Then what did you do?"

"I LOANED HIM $75!" she said. :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:16 pm

The day after ANOTHER GRUB lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, ANOTHER GRUB, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me?!" A.G. said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, ANOTHER GRUB said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the port lincoln bay.
"Oh my god!," said ANOTHER GRUB, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size blue swimmer crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" ANOTHER GRUB demanded.

The policeman said, "WE'RE GONNA PULL HER UP AGAIN TOMORROW!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:24 pm

MAL joins a nudist colony. He pays his dues, gets his membership kit and key,and enters the compound.

A six-foot blonde walks by,and MAL gets a hard -on-

Blonde: "Sir,did you just call for me?"
Mal: "No i just got here."
Blonde: "You must be new here.It's rule when i give you a hard-on, implies that you called for me."

The blonde lies down and lets MAL screw her. He gets up, happy and heads into the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes over to him.

Huge Man: "Sir,did you call for me?"
Mal: "I just got here."
Huge Man:" You must be new here.It's rule that when you fart, that you called for me."

The huge man turns MAL around and sodomizes him. MAL rushes back to the receptionist.

Mal: "Here's your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee. I'm outta here.
Receptionist: " But Sir, you only saw a small percentage of our facility."
Mal: " Listen Lady, i'm 48 years old, and only gets a hard-on once a month...........
BUT I FART 15 TIMES A DAY!!!! :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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