BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.

She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please, help me, this itch iskilling me and I know I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have FRUIT FLY!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

REB walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. BOONEY the barman comes over and asks what he'll have to drink. REB states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. BOONEY gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. BOONEY brings the beer over and places it in front of REB.

BOONEY'S curiosity gets the best of him and he asks REB what he's got in the bag. REB reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... BOONEY looks intently at the piano as REB again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

BOONEY says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"

REB looks at BOONEY and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to BOONEY and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So BOONEY says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

REB says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So BOONEY says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So BOONEY ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another..and it continues.

BOONEY looks at REB and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And REB says, "Yes, I know, DO YOU THINK I WANTED A TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN AND MAL were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, BAYMAN said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked up the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

MAL walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, and, just as BAYMAN had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. "SMALL WORLD!!!!." MAL said.

[magpie in the 80's]

The madam from hanson road approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked."They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the madam. So the next day, the madam brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The madam puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an australian(MAL) in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When MAL remained silent, the Frenchman smuggly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," MAL replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"DONT STOP !!!"

[Strawb]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar while smoking hashish and
chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk. The first Arab pulls his
wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start
reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he was a martyr."

"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.

"Yes, and this is my second son. He was a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They
blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Strawb]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
nightlight, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local Cab Company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked, I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her
out into the back yard !"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Strawb]

OUTGOING PERSONALITY always going out of the office

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY spouse drinks a lot

INDEPENDENT WORKER nobody know what he/she does

QUICK THINKING offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL speaks english

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL a nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED back stabber

LOYAL can't get a job anywhere else

[magpie in the 80's]

A Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some words of advise and a warning by her mother; "Look darling, all guys want the same thing, so be very careful and don't you ever let him;

(1 )- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.
(2) - or touch your breasts. They are like thin crystal and can shatter.
(3)- and never ever let him touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it" asks mum. "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. did he try to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mum, see it was like this. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breasts and again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to my private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out and said surprised; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook" !!!!

"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?".

"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and he was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "TASTE IT TO SEE IF IT WAS COOKED OR NOT"!!!!

[Strawb]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart on Valentine's Day. as they had not been dating for very long MAL gave very careful consideration then decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... Romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, MAL went to david jones and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents MAL sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart with this note:

Darling:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening if it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are the delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try on yours for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming years. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love MAL

P.S. "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a LITTLE FUR SHOWING!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in - relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would never......"as MAL looks across at the driver and there is no-one in the seat.

Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where MAL lives - MAL is by now in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened. Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry!

Now it stopped at the kerb again just up from where he lives and so MAL gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car. "Hey buddy I wouldn't get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it"

"Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I REALLY NEED THE REST!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

75-year old MAL went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave MAL a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, 75-year old MAL reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and MAL explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" Old MAL replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, WE COULD'NT GET THE DAMN JAR OPEN!!!!"

[Strawb]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Strawb]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish.............................................49
* Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
* Athletic......................................No t*ts
* Average looking...............Has a face like an a*se
* Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
* Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
* Emotionally Secure......................On medication
* Feminist..........................................Fat
* Free spirit....................................Junkie
* Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
* Fun..........................................Annoying
* Gentle...........................................Dull
* Good Listener................................Autistic
* New-Age............................Body hair problems
* Open-minded................. ...............Desperate
* Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
* Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
* Poet.......................................Depressive
* Professional....................................B*tch
* Romantic.......................................Frigid
* Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
* Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
* Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
* Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
* Widow........................................Desperate

WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes = No
* No = Yes
* Maybe = No
* We need = I want...
* I am sorry = you'll be sorry
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
* Do what you want = You will pay for this later
* I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
* Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
* You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
* How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry = I am hungry
* I am sleepy = I am sleepy
* I am tired = I am tired
* Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
* I love you = Let's have sex now
* I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
* What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
* May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
* Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
* Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
* Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
* Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
* You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3
mins.
* Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then
I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, ADELAIDE HAWK and some Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. ROD ROOSTER the manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to MAL, "You're in charge of sweeping". ADELAIDE HAWK "You're in charge of shovelling". And to the Chinese guy "you're in charge of supplies".

"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So ROD ROOSTER goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to MAL, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
MAL replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then ROD ROOSTER turns to ADELAIDE HAWK and asks why he didn't shovel. ADELAIDE HAWK replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him."

ROD ROOSTER is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes to his doctor for a checkup. "I don't know how to tell you this," says the doctor, "But you're going to die. You have six months to live before you die."

When poor MAL gets home, he tells his wife he has AIDS and has six months to live. MAL goes out for a beer, gets pissed drunk, and tells all his mates MT79, BAYMAN, SCD, AH, PUNK and WEDGIE he has AIDS and only six months left.

Two days later, MAL meets his doctor on the street. "I see you've come to terms with your terminal condition," says the doctor, "Everyone in town is talking about it. But tell me, why are you telling everyone you have AIDS, when it's a brain tumor that's killing you?"

"Oh," says MAL, "I've come to terms with dying, but I don't want anyone of my mates ...F....CKING MY WIFE AFTER I'M GONE!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL decided to take the afternoon off and got home about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The house was quiet, and he went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.

His wife was in bed, and there was BAYMAN lying on top of her with his head between her breasts.

'What the hell are you doing?' MAL shouted.

BAYMAN looked up and said, 'I'm listening to the music.' 'What Music?' said MAL, and he leaned over and put his ear to his wife's chest. 'I can't hear any music,' he said suspiciously.

'Of course you can't,' said BAYMAN. "YOUR NOT PLUGGED IN LIKE ME!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS JOKE

A Taxi driver DUTCHY was hailed by a young intoxicated sexy feMALe.
DUTCHY made an advance and they jumped in the back seat.
The girl was kissing DUTCHY all over and became very frisky.
She took off her clothes and asked DUTCHY :
" Driver driver please kiss me where it smells."
So DUTCHY put the meter on and drove her to the Wingfield Dump.


now MAL you have to start looking in your book of jokes cause your starting to repeat them
RATING:7.5

[mal]

BAYMAN, MIGHTY TIGER, AND MAL were at the races one day.
We were all nearly broke so we rounded up our loose change and pooled our finances.
We scrounged up $20 in coins.
We had heated discussions as to what nag to put the $20 on.
Eventually I told MT + BAYMAN that I had an idea and said :
"Lets go to the toilet and pull out our cocks and then I will measure the
inches and then whatever it adds up to we can back that numbered horse."
MT + BAYMAN agree
Inside the loo I pull out my slug its 6 inches, MT pulls out 3 inches and BAYMAN
a liitle 1 inch cock.
6+3+1 = 10 inches
So I go to the bookie and put $20 at 50/1 on number 10
It leads and wins, we are ecstatic, yooooooooooou beauty we collect $1020 !!!!!!!
I collect the loot and throw $20 on the bar and then split the $1,000.
I gave myself $600
Gave MT $300
Gave BAYMAN $100
BAYMAN throws a tantrum
" How come you get $600 MT $300 and all I get is $100."
I explained.
" I get $600 for my 6 inches, MT gets$300 for his 3 inches + you get $100 for your
pitiful embarrasing 1 inch dick."
BAYMAN erupts :
" Thats bullshit and besides, If didnt have a stiffy we would have backed number 9."

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P
S

Im glad PUNK wasent there we would have backed number 24