BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kinds of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him it'll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is.

The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin sez "NO!! REALLY I JUST HAD AN ICE CREAM CONE!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two count and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "WALK WITH PR-R-IDE MON!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

DRUNKEN MAL decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.

"You will find no fish under that ice."

DRUNKEN MAL looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.

"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

DRUNKEN MAL looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.

"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

DRUNKEN MAL is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No," the voice replied. "I AM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Little MAL watched her father take a shower.

She noticed his testicles and asked him what they were. "Those are my apples," MAL replied.

Later the little MAL told her mother what Daddy had said.

Her mother smirked, "Did Daddy tell you about the DEAD LIMB THEY'RE HANGING ON?!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One morning MAL the milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.

The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" -

Each of the men had put their man hood through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said MAL the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," said the housewife. "YOUR NAME CAME UP THREE TIMES!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 with his two-inch prick walked into a whorehouse on hanson road and dropped his pants in front of one of the girls.

"Just who do you think you're going to please with that little thing?" she sneered.

"ME" replied MT79

[magpie in the 80's]

There's an american indian who walks into a 7-11 and asks if they have toilet paper.
The clerk says yes and takes him to the approiate aisle. The indian asks "how much is this White Cloud toilet paper?"

The clerk says "2.49 a roll." The indian says "oh, no, too much!!" Then he asks "how much is the Scotts toilet paper?" The clerk says "1.99 a roll." The indian says, "oh, no, still too much!!!" Then he asks "how much is this no name toilet paper?" The clerk says ".10 cents a roll." The indian says "I'll take 10 rolls."

The indian goes home and comes back the next day. He says to the clerk "I have a new name for your no name toilet paper.

"John Wayne toilet paper, because it's rough, and tough, and DOES'NT TAKE NO SHIT FROM INDIANS!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS TURN

punk's twisties 7.8

[the tractor]

4 year old Mal was checking out his testicles while having a bath.
"Are these my brains?" asked little Mal.
"Not yet!" said Mal's mum.

[the tractor]

A Polish immigrant went to the Dept. motor vehicles to apply for a licence.
He had to take an eye test and optician showed him a card with the letters : C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
" Can you read this?' the optician asked.
"Read it, I know him!"

[mal]

80 yr. old MAL is in a nursing home and it's time for his bath.

His attractive nurse's aid unrobes him and begins to wash him. In a moment MAL asks that 70 yr old Mabel come in and hold his penis out of the way so that the nurse can wash underneath.

'why?', asks the nurse 'i am perfectly capable of doing that and washing you with my other hand.' 'no,I'd much rather have Mabel do that for you', he insists. with a hint of jealousy in her voice the nurse asks 'well what has Mabel got that i haven't got?'

"PARKINSON'S DISEASE" says MAL

Ladies and gentlemen I have found the number 1 joke rating
surpassing the Punk CARLTON joke at 9-1

This is a 9-2

20,039 POSTS

LATEST RATINGS
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MAG80S
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QUICHE 8-0
DRINKING 7-4
PARROTT 7-2
LEGS PART 7-2
2 DUFFELL 7-4
PAIN 8-2
PARKINSON 9-2 BEST EVER
GIRLFRIEND 7-3
HEADACHE 7-2
SCD SUPER 8-5 VERY VERY FUNNY
TOENAILS 7-3
NIPPLE 7-3
ICE CREAM 7-3
BASEBALL 7-2
ICERINK 7-3
APPLES 7-2
3 TIMES 7-2
2INCH DICK 8-2 may I say very appropriate
WAYNE 7-7


TRACTOR
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MALS NUTS 7-4
POLISH 7-3



MALS JOKE

A Taxi driver DUTCHY was hailed by a young intoxicated sexy feMALe.
DUTCHY made an advance and they jumped in the back seat.
The girl was kissing DUTCHY all over and became very frisky.
She took off her clothes and asked DUTCHY :
" Driver driver please kiss me where it smells."
So DUTCHY put the meter on and drove her to the Wingfield Dump.

[RustyCage]

Adelaide United

[RustyCage]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

[RustyCage]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

[magpie in the 80's]

One night BAYMAN took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, BAYMAN started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"..
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please,
I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"...
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. ..
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE F...CKING DOOR BELL!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Little MAL'S Good Manners!
During class, a teacher asked the boys the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

A boy named MT79 raised his hand first and said, "I would tell her, just a minute, I have to go pee really quick, I'll be right back!" "That would be very rude and impolite," the teacher responded.

Next a boy named PUNK ROOSTER raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," replied the teacher.

Then, little MAL raised his hand and said, "I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, WHOM I HOPE YOU'LL GET TO MEET AFTER DINNER!!!"

the teacher fainted!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks REB the barman "Does this look like Mike Tyson?" REB says "No."

She then asks "Does this look like Evander Holifield?" REB says "Nope sorry."

She's says "Well I want another opinion." She sees drunken MAL at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks MAL "Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?"

Drunken MAL says "No." She points to her inner left thigh and asks "Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?"

Drunken MAL says "No but the one in the middle looks like DON KING!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN liked to frequent the glenelg beach but never was able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend MAL the lifeguard for advice.

It's them big baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old fish. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - 'bout two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I'm tellin' ya BAYMAN, you'll have all the babes you want!

The following weekend, BAYMAN hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach is disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces snickering, turning away, most laughing, some even looking a little sick!

BAYMAN goes back to MAL the lifeguard and asks him, "What the devil is wrong now?

"JESUS CHRIST BAYMAN!"said MAL, "THE POTATO GOES IN THE FRONT!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, MAL'S wife throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,"
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,"
"PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager, in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, MAL'S wife throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,"
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,"
"PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, MAL'S wife says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, MAL'S wife wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, MAL'S wife tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful MAL'S wife remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, MAL'S wife returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

MAL'S wife said, "NO POINT ASKING ABOUT THE BEARD THEN!!!!!